Safety Contracts...so easy to sign and harder not to break!

I saw my Psychologist the other day.  I couldn't tell her I hurt myself and I have thoughts of ending my miserable existence.  I brought my writings (journal) and gave it to her.  Once I did that I knew I couldn't deny my feelings and wanting to hurt myself.

She didn't want to read it during our session and use up our time.  It's funny in a way, she asked me if I had plans to kill myself or injure myself after I just said I did.  Then, before I could follow up with an answer she told me I wouldn't hurt myself and asked me if this was right?  I told her she made it easy for me to say yes, even tough I knew its not true.

I was bawling my eyes out, scared of what I am capable of in a moment of rage and frustration and hatred for what's become of myself.  Funny thing was that I could actually hear a woman in the next room also crying, but she was loud!  I was tunnng in and out of our conversation.  I couldn't focus my thoughts.  My nerves were shot, no sleep and this overwhelming desire to stop everything.  

I told her I felt humans were cruel to one another...had I been a horse they would have ended my suffering a long, long time ago.  She told me I was comparing apples to oranges!  I told her that was just how I felt.  

I told her I was scared of going to the hospital...it's easy enough to be admitted, but once you're inside, getting out is not that easy.  I think she lied to me...told me I could sign myself out at any time when I felt I could trust myself not to hurt or kill myself.  That's too easy?  I would lie anyways, if I wanted to get out.  Just like I did signing this "safety Contract".  

She kept trying to get me to use my wife as a safety net...call or speak to her when I wanted to harm myself.  I kept telling her that my wife is not even on board with me seeing a shrink!  Whenever I try to convey to my wife how I'm feeling she brushes it off and tells me I'm fine.  I just need to relax, breathe and I'd be fine...sound familiar?

I'm suppose to call the crisis hotline if/ when I feel I might kill myself?  I don't think the contract was about hurting myself?  Anyways, that's how I recall our "agreement".  If the crisis hot line is not available I am suppose to go to ER Dept.???  

I went home and met my wife for lunch...I actually fell asleep twice driving home.  Each time I woke up as I drifted into oncoming traffic!  I keep telling my wife I shouldn't be driving.  However, she can't afford to take off work for all my doctor's appointments!  I'm constantly seeing doctor after doctor and average 2+ a week!

Anyways, my wife took the afternoon off, because she was exhausted from working OT every day except for Sundays.  I felt so sick...nerves going haywire inside, I had a fever and even though my stomach was aching I couldn't eat much. After lunch at an Indian restaurant we went home where I collapsed in bed.  I was freezing, even though I was burning up inside.  I hate this feeling!  I'm sweating under blankets while I have a constant cold chill going up and down my spine and my nose was frozen! Anyways, I managed to finally get some sleep for a few hours.

My wife woke me up to go pick up our housemate from his work.  Although I protested...I ended up going.  Luckily I didn't fall asleep.  I picked him up and dropped him off at the house.  Then I went to my local Home Depot store and bought some new tools!  I just have this urge to self harm as I did many years before.  It's hard to explain why I have this need to hurt myself...it's like my way of feeling again...a way of punishing myself for all the bad choices I made that led me down this path.  I know it's not logical thinking, but it's inside me...

Before I left, I told my Psychologist that I live in the town I once patrolled as a police officer.  Should I be E.C.O.ed (Emergency Custody Order) that means the officers I worked with would come to my house and handcuff me and take me to the hospital.  I told her that if this happens, there is just one way I'm leaving my house and that's feet first.  She said that I shouldn't allow the police department to have this control over me and that it wasn't a logical thought process or something like that.  I told her that even though it may seem to her to be an illogical thought, it's how I feel and it's very real.  She just said that it would be best if I just admitted myself, should I feel I need to.  What I need to do is to go play with my new tools.  

Relax, breathe, breathe...take it one ___ at a time. LOL

Charles

hey man, we had this talk before, but you have got to slow down and get some Help. I know you went to your psychologist and i want you to know how BIG of a step that was! You have an appointment monday(well today) with a Phyciatrist right? I"d like to know what they have to say.
I really think an in-patient stabilization may help you. I have found, that sometimes, getting to STAY is actually the hard part as some insurances want you out fast. I think maybe getting away from the worries of the outside world for just a few days may help. But if you don't see that as an option take advantage of the out patient help you are getting. It may take a while to really get things started, but it will happen. Just seeing your post on here lets me know you are reaching out for help, and that proves you still have SOME kind of fight left in you, no matter how small that may be, its there. GRASP HOLD of that fight!
Please stay safe, and do the things like calling crisis for help, and letting people know when you need some help.
Someday, you may just have to say, "Listen, I know how to BS my way through this, but you have to listen to me NOW, and help me NOW." Doctors/Psych's actually really respect when a person stands up and is bold is asking for help.
Please be safe and remember what I told you,
You deserve the BEST life and love have to offer.
Tell yourself that out loud if you have to many times a day, even if you don't believe it, "I deserve the best Life and Love have to offer",
{ } that represents some space; space for peace, rest and healing!!!
Ang

I don't know what else I can say anymore. I wish you the best. Hang in there.

The main thing I want to say today is that it seems like you worry more about what your wife thinks than caring for yourself. Put yourself first in this matter. Get the help that you need and don't let her feelings persuade you otherwise. You need help right now and I don't want her to stop you from getting it. I don't think she understands the severity of how you are feeling.

Hang in there, you are doing good at that. And keep checking in here daily. I think it is helping you some.

Know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen

You wont muck things up Charles, you are going there for help. I hope you get a good psychiatrist that will have some answers for you. Make sure you explain the stress that you are under from the workman's comp case and the ssi.

Charles, you don't trigger others as long as you stay in the guidelines of the rules. And you have been doing that. So try to forget about that. Others here do care about you. Sometimes people are sick and don't post, but they do read and I am sure that they send you their blessings. Just remember that when others don't feel good, they often read, but don't always respond.

You are coming along. It is taking time for you to get better, but I think it helps you to post here. At least this way you can get things out. And off of your chest.

I wish you would care more about yourself, but just the fact that you are going to see the psychiatrist shows that you are trying. That means a lot. You are taking huge steps to get help. Don't turn back. Even if this isn't the right doctor for you, but I think he/she will be, but there are many psychiatrists that can help you. I just hope this is a good one and that they can understand what you are going through.

Try to stop doubting yourself. Like I say, you are progressing. I can see it in your posts. Keep trying, keep posting.

Hugs...

Karen,

I didn't think that my post expressed or complained about the lack of response from others. I guess I once again failed to deliver my thoughts in a clear manner. The point I was trying to make was that some people may read my posts, but have no clue what to say to me and I get that. I realize that many are readers and not in a good enough place to offer words of encouragement, etc. My concern was that my posts may bring another person down who may be already on the edge...

Jim, it's a great suggestion, but my wife CAN NOT deal with even the thought of me AND HER seeing a Pyschiatrist. It's just not an option. I myself have struggled with seeking help from the mental health aspect. I still have my doubts that my problems can be fixed. Yet, I'm still going to try... I've always been the rock and support of so many people, it's tough to be on the other side. It's worse when my 'so called friends' have all abandoned me. Well, except for two who live in another state, but they have zero time for me and my issues. They have their family and careers and a hectic schedule with their kids activities. I've tried calling or texting them, but they seldom have time to reply.

I don't speak to half my family and those I do speak with I absolutely do not want them to worry about my depression. They already worry about my physical disabilities and CP and can do nothing to help. They live several states away and all they end up doing is making me feel guilty, because they worry about me.

Cheers!

Karen,

The same day you posted your reply was the day I finally went to the ER and was admitted for suicidal thoughts and self harming. I apologize for not replying until now, but I was only discharged this evening.

I want to post a new thread and discuss my experiences while inpatient, but it may be slightly lame when I can not discuss the "S" word and explanations of how and why I have fallen into the sad statistics of self-harming. I'm ashamed to admit I couldn't even go me freakin DAY WITHOUT HARMING MYSELF! I can try and rationalize it by saying it was but a wee harm, but I KNOW ANY HARM IS WRONG.

I think I was discharged too early...I pray to God I can survive myself! Karen, I so enjoyed posting positive words of encouragement to those who were struggling, but how can I help others when I can't even help myself? Throughout everything my wife was a real trooper. I feel most wives would have left their husband by now. I'm so afraid she might still do that if I end up returning to the hospital. What can I do? What should I do? I have an appt. with my outside Psychiatrist on Monday. This will only be the 2nd time I've seen her since our 1st appt. where she refused to treat me unless I went inpatient for intensive therapy. I really liked my hospital Psychiatrist...

Crying and drowning from the inside out...

I found the thread Charles :)