I feel like I'm drifting away again ...

Hi ... um ... I feel like I'm going back into my depression again. The only person that really knew how deep it was was my mother. I slowly crept out of it. I prayed. I listened to music. I became "happier" again. First of all I'm 24, female, it started when I was in high school. I switched schools after freshman year and that's when the depression started. I held it in for a long time until one day I couldn't and I had an emotional breakdown in front of my mother. She tried to soothe me but it didn't work. I finally had some weird revelation and senior year of HS I was feeling better and more confident in myself. I felt good all the way through college. But, one month after I got home from school my depression came back full force and I was feeling very suicidal but I never attempted to do it. I prayed some more and after almost a year in my funk I slowly crept out of it like I said before. But now after a short time, my mother died of cancer less than a month ago and she was my best friend well my only friend here in NY which is where I am from. In some way I am able to accept her death but her not physically being here anymore is taking its toll on me. I have a sister but we've never been close. I'm closer to my older cousin than I am to my own sister. I talk to my sister but not about deep things because she gets so caught up in herself and doesn't express real emotion when I always have until the past couple of years. Also my social life is sucky. I work so much that by the time the weekend comes I' busy running around trying to get errands done and too tired from working my job which I do at night. I have small interaction with people at work but very small since my job is a one person type of job and no one else can do it but me. I won't get started on my dating life because it is nonexistant. Let's just say I haven't experienced many things that I should have by this point in my life because of my own insecurities and only one person knows what those insecurities are. But now I just I feel like I'm going back into it. I'm home alone a lot. When I do go out I see people with their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends etc and I get so jealous because I want that interaction. Just one friend that gets me is all I ask for. I just needed some place to vent and that is what I am doing now. Also I'm racking my brain about my sexuality right now which is not helping my depression problem.

Hi brooklyn,

with everything you've had going on. i can undstand why you have the blues. i'm sorry to hear about your mom, my mom is moving out of state and and it's really getting to me so i can only imagine what you must be going through. i would really seek therepy to help work through some of the problems your facing.

much love,

-Jess

Thanks for the responses. Its good to know that I'm not alone in this. I think talking to a grief counselor would be best. I don't know about therapy yet. I'm not embarassed I just don't want to have to explain it to no one. Which can be see as being embarrassed. Going through my mothers cancer treatment brought back so much stress and made me start thinking about everything I tried to "bury" and it came to the surface. The whole sexuality thing is something I think I am over-thinking but that is just the way I am. I know sexuality is something that can be hard to deal with. Yes I am confused. The only reason why is because I ended up liking one of my friends who is a girl a lot. Which was totally unexpected. I don't really believe in labels and calling myself bisexual or anything like that doesn't scare me it just doesn't seem to fit me. If that makes sense. I just don't want people to inquire so much and call me something that I think I'm not. My cousin asked one time if I liked girls and I said no and I felt like I lied to him because I had this crush on this girl at the time. I don't anymore. I also feel that since no one knows about it except a few people not in my family like I'm living a lie or something. I know it can happen where you can like a girl and be a girl and end up with men for the rest of your life. It's not uncommon. I think ... well I know ... a lot of my stress and depression is coming from me being confused about it and just by typing it I know its true. My mother's death is something that I have come to terms with and I really have and I'm not just saying that. The emptiness is still there but most of my stress is not knowing where I stand sexually. If you were in my brain and knew why is stresses me so much you might not be able to understand it either. Like I said in my first post I haven't experienced many things and if you looked at me you probably wouldn't even know. I'm good a keeping up a facade.

I just like that I am able to talk on here about it. My mother was kind of afraid of me being a lesbian because I never brought her guys to meet or dated anyone. So I know she was afraid of that. I don't think she would have hated me but I don't know. Also this whole crush thing just happened last year. I never thought about it before or anything like that it just happened. So my fear is was I meant to be this way. Was this meant to happen. Am I gay / bi / whatever? Am I just one of those girls who had a crush on a girl and just accept it and just let life happen?

I'm a natural worrier and I get so caught up in my own mind I don't just let life happen. Like I said I don't like labels because they are scary and I feel like it puts you in a box. Yeah. That was good to let out.

Yeah this is it - you are really wanting to know how you feel and kind of unhappy because you don't

I don't know how to feel about it and it is really my topic. I'm so used to being able to figure out stuff so easily and the scary thing about this is that it is so broad and can go any way and it is out of my control. I'll try to relax more but that is easier said than done. But I will try. I'm just glad that I'm actually reaching out instead of holding it in. A year ago I would have never done this and its good to know people actually want to see me get better. Even if you don't know me.

I am so sorry – my heart goes out to you. Thoughts and prayers for you in the midst of your grief with your mom’s recent death. God loves you so very much and I trust you can sense His peace in the days ahead. My suggestion to you is that you might consider a support group, I know about a group called GriefShare that help people who are dealing with the death of a loved one. Also, I agree with Karen about speaking with a counselor; if you don’t know where to start, you could call one of Focus on the Family’s counselors, a group I’m with. Their phone number is 1-855-771-4357. They offer a free counseling session over the phone and are very caring and helpful. Best to you!

Hi,

Yeah I know there is nothing wrong with being bisexual. I also appreciate the human body. I'm an artist and I used to dance so I look at people from that aspect all the time. I just ... after my crush ended I thought okay that was a one time experience whatever it happened. Whatever we said or did was one time. But during my mother's cancer treatment every thing just started to worry me again including my sexuality. I just want to have an answer but I know only through getting out my feelings - on here - and through time I will get my answer. I just have to get over the fact that I am confused now and I might be for a while and eventually I will get my answer or at least close to an answer.

Also, sol4j thanks for the number. I really think I am going to call them :)

Yes God is my thing. My faith has grown in the past few years but still negativity creeps in. Mostly my mother, music, and God were the things that soothed me the most. Now its this site, music, and God. Also a few family members I trust and who understand me.