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Need help dating woman with depression

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Posted 7/20/2012 6:13 PM (GMT 0)

Hi,

I dont know where to start but I want to give a summary.  I have dating a woman who has a major tradegy in life three years ago losing everything from a job to a boyfriend dying when they started dating(died three years ago).  We started as friends but after about a year of going out ect. we started to become intimate and try to start dating.  Ever since we got close she has taken a turn for the worst and just kicks me everytime we get close.

I have found medications(by accident) and after all her crap I told her I knew about the drugs in a heated debate because she wants to blame everything on me.  When I told her I knew she hung up the phone and threatened to call the police.  Five days later I am in her house talking to her.  I am obviously freaked out that she would threaten the police so now I am scared.

She dumped me and went out with another guy for a week and admitted to me that she did it to get rid of me but she says she still wants me.  I have endured this push pull thing now for four months and I finally walked out after she told me she has a wall around her heart and after three months doesnt think of me as her boyfriend because she has made lousy decisions with men and that no man will ever hurt her like the last one did.  I try telling her that I am not the other guy but she is so cold to me that I finally left and left her with no contact.

Now she is texting me that she is sorry and that she would like to talk, but the truth is I am scared of her telling me how everything is my fault and that she thinks that I am crazy.  All she does is tells me how bad men are including her girlfriends husbands, ect.  She is so angry everytime I do something nice and it just makes her treat me worst for being good to her.  There is alot more to this but this is my first time writing so I am hoping if there is a person who can describe their feelings of depression with me I would appreciate it.  I care for this girl deeply and have tried to show her I am there for her.  She acts normal but then closes down and pushes me away.  Her last thing was that she thought we should stop being intimate because she says that is confusing her and me.  Im confused because we do great and then she just kicks me and throws the most intimate details of bad stuff in her life and past at me that I dont know what to do.  She has been used abused ect.  I want to be there but she just throws it at me like its normal conversation like talking about the weather.  I have backed off and now she is contacting me.  I want her but I cant be disrespected anymore.  It hurts to much to care and have it thrown back in my face.  I admit it is upsetting and I do let her know it verbally because she wants to start fights for no reason.  Thank you, I am just freaked out by all this. 

Posted 7/20/2012 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there and welcome to the forum. I am sorry that your girlfriend is suffering from depression. She may have a little ptsd going on too. I would tell her that if she goes into counseling that then you can maybe work on a relationship together. It sounds like she has a lot of issues going on. You personally can't help her, but you can guide her to get her self help. She has to do this. She has to want to get better. But first she has to admit she has issues.

I wish the best for you. This isn't going to be easy. But it will be worth it.

Take care...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/21/2012 10:34 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with Karen. Tell her to get help before getting involved with her again.

You also need to decide if you can handle her issues. From what you have written here it seems that the whole relationship has been pretty bad for you.

I can tell you from experience that depression doesn't go away. There are meds that help and there is counseling but the depression is still there and some days are good some are bad.

After all she has put you through already, do you think you can ever trust her? You need to sit down and think this through and figure out if this is what you really want. It is unlikely she is going to change as much as you would like. If you want someone to change this badly....well you don't really want that person at all.
Posted 7/21/2012 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

She is texting me that she is sorry and that she is admitting she  has issues that she has to work out but wants me there.  She is telling me that she knows she  is hurting me because she thinks I was like all the other men in the worl who just use women but now she telling me that she knows Im a good man with a good heart and that she is sorry.  I want to beleive her but she has said the nastiest things in the world to me.  Now Im the best?  Does this ever stop?  Can she just be good to me rather than be good to me and then pull the rug out from under me with  the anger.  She says I am hitting nerves of deep issues and she gets upset.  Help?

 

Posted 7/21/2012 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Is she bipolar? It kind of sounds like it. If she is that moody and changing her mind so rapidly. Does she go to any type of counseling? I would talk her into it, as she sounds like she needs counseling and medications. Hang in there. Encourage her to get help. If it is too much, you may have to step back for awhile and see how it works out.

Good luck and best wishes,

Hugs...
Posted 7/21/2012 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
thanks.  I just dont get it.  I appreciate you responding.  I havent called but I told her she hurt me.  I need to settle down inside before i can talk to her.  I want to be there but I am afraid she is going to do this to me again.
Posted 7/22/2012 12:11 AM (GMT 0)
She just may do it again and again if you let it continue to happen. If she doesn't get help, she is going to be hard to live with. Talk to her about getting some help.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/23/2012 7:04 PM (GMT 0)
She's going to keep doing the same thing to you for as long as you allow it. If you actually still want to be with her after all she has done to you, then you need to put your foot down about her behavior.

Once you have done that then comes the hard part of following through. She WILL test you and give you a hard time to see if she can get away with it. She will try to blame you for her problems as long as you allow it.

If you want to know if she will immediately change to the girl you want the answer is NO. She may never becomes that girl. She might come to her senses if she gets help (therapy meds whatever), but you need to understand she has a long way to go.
Posted 7/23/2012 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

She texted me again telling me she has treated me unfair and thought I was a guy without feelings but realizes she is wrong. She said she wants to apologize because she knows she has deep issues that I am hitting nerves on. She feeds me bits and pieces when we talk but not the whole story. I have known this girl for over a year and things were great as friends, but as intimate partners she has just jumped down my throat and done everything she can to push me away and then bring me back. I want to believe her but I am very scared of her behavior because she can be mean as hell, and then sweet. I was in therapy for five years after losing my dad to AIDS so I know she is in an anger stage of healing(then comes acceptance), but its like she is pissed at me for understanding her. I dont know the situation, but I do understand the feelings of great loss and grieving when your world falls apart. I dont talk about it but I understand it. That is the only reason I have stayed this long is because I know she is acting out and then cooling down. She wants to talk and apologize but I dont know what to do or say. Has anyone on here been thru this kind of swing in moods and if so I would appreciate any insight. I care about her and I know we have feelings for each other, but she just trashes it everytime we get close and it hurts like hell because I do care, and want her in my life. I just dont know how much more I am supposed to take. Thanks for letting me talk about this. My friends dont understand.
Posted 7/23/2012 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like she should be on medication and in therapy. Her mood swings point to bipolar. Though I am not a doctor and can't diagnose, but that is what it sounds like. She probably is a little uncomfortable if you are predicting her behavior. But that is besides the point. She will just have to deal...

If you are planning to stay with her, I would insist that she see a psychiatrist and get on medications. Before you go any farther into the relatinship... And counseling. If she doesn't, it is going to be the same thing over and over.

Hugs...
Posted 7/23/2012 9:00 PM (GMT 0)
she is on medication, I found it by accident and she threatened to call the police. Five days later I am sitting her living room having her tell me I am not in her heart, that she has done a poor job of picking guys and that a man will never hurt her again like before. Now she wants to talk. I hear what your saying. I know I care for her but I have to look out for my sanity as well. I dont think she is in therapy but I agree she should be. I dont try to predict her behavior, I just feel I know she is projecting at me when we get close. Really hurts my feelings because I treat her good. Thanks
Posted 7/24/2012 12:19 AM (GMT 0)
You can see the situation for what it is. If she doesn't get help, it is up to you whether you are going to stay with her or not. I get a strong feeling that you don't want to give up on her. But you do have to look out for what is best for you.

Take it one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/24/2012 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
im curious, why is it that a person with depression will act this way? I have acted mature, giving, caring, shown support for the stuff she has shared so far, and yet she just keeps kicking at me. Its like she wants to sabatoge the relationship and blame it on me. Im just trying to understand her mindset because I care. She can act so normal with others but with me, she is doing everything she can to keep me around and push me away if we become close. I want to run for the hills, but I also know I have feelings for her. I havent called her back yet but she wants to talk. I appreciate your kindness thru this. It really helps to vent but I am really trying to understand so I can make better decisions before we talk. Thanks
Posted 7/24/2012 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
Not all people with depression do act like that. Her issues sound very specific to her. You may think you do everything right, but no one is perfect.

Stop trying to change her. You simply need to decide if you want her as she is. It really doesn't sound like you do. Each time you post you want to know how to change her. you can't, she's the only one who can change her.

I get that you care and want a relationship with the person you think she can become. However, she is who she is. You just have to decide if you want to keep allowing her to jerk you around.

Your only chance of a good healthy relationship is if she gets help. If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself and tell her to get help before you come back, you will just keep going around in this same circle.

Maybe you should ask yourself why you want this obviously damaged person so very badly.
Posted 7/24/2012 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kaely,
Thanks for your response. To answer your question, I dont want her to change, I was hoping she could relax like she did when we started out. I dont expect her to change, I was hoping she could open up and talk to me so that I could be a friend to her like before. I hope my emails are not being intrusive, I was on here to understand the mindset of someone with depression. She has done her best to get rid of me, and then when I leave she wants me back. I want the girl I met, and we have alot of great times, but she just does things that are not normal. Again my apologies if you are taking this the wrong way. Just want to be helpful, and I know I am not perfect. Nobody is. I will seek advice from other sources because I care about her. Its nothing more than that. Good luck to you.
Posted 7/24/2012 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
I think that Kaely is trying to stand up for the depressed one in saying maybe that is just the way she is. Many of us have flawed personalities. Maybe when she was different, she was putting on a front for you. She was trying to be the person that you wanted, plus it was new to both of you. When we get to know people for who they are, often we are disappointed. But then we decide to live with it or not. And that is what I think Kaely is trying to tell you.

Being depressed often causes us to do things strangly. We can't express ourselves so often we act out. It is hard for somebody who isn't, or never has been, depressed. I am not saying it is okay, I am just saying it happens.

It is truly up to you whether you are going to live with her behavior or not. I think encouraging her to see a psychiatrist or a counselor would be a wise thing to do.

Best wishes...

Karen
Posted 7/24/2012 9:28 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen,

I just wanted to know what I am up against because I care for her. I know she likes me, and I really do like her. We just seem to hit a wall everytime we get to a certain place. I appreciate your comments and definitely hear what your saying.
Thanks
Posted 7/25/2012 7:43 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen that is exactly what I was trying to get across. She is who she is. Reading the things you say she's done I think she may have a personality disorder as well as depression.

I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well as depression. People like me (and possibly your friend) tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often confuse the heck out of others.

We fear being abandoned, we bore easily, we anger quickly sometimes for no reason others can figure out. There's a lot of 'i hate you, don't leave me'. We do a lot of impulsive things, we're generally a pain in the butt.

What I am trying to say is don't expect her to just suddenly get better or 'go back' to how she acted before. I know you are looking for someone to tell you that will happen but it won't. She needs therapy and a lot of it.

Until she is willing to deal with her issues no, she will not change into the person you want. You need to decide if you can handle that. If you can't then just walk away it will hurt less now than later.
Posted 7/25/2012 11:35 AM (GMT 0)
thanks, I understand.
Posted 8/9/2012 7:10 PM (GMT 0)

Hi,

Im back...My girl came back to me and said she was sorry.  She told me she was wrong about me.  She thought I didnt have any feelings so she wanted me to hurt.  I told her I couldnt handle her half stories about what she is doing and should be ok with telling me about what her plans are for conversation.  It lasted a week until she WENT OFF about everybody in her life.  Calling everyone she knew the worst things you can think of.  I told her that I should probably not come over but she said she wanted me too.  I drove 45 minutes to her house and she told me she wanted me to go home.  I was pissed inside but didnt let her know.  I finally told her I dont trust her because she keeps doing the same thing over and over.  She is in radio and she told 1700 facebook fans to come see her at at concert booth, but wouldnt even tell me she was doing it until the next day.  I tell her that I dont trust her because she should feel ok telling me she is doing something like that if she is telling 1700 people to come by.  I just dont understand.  She is accusing me of everything she is doing....she says I cant express my emotions, I am sabataging the relationship, that I am acting out of line, ect.  She does all this to me and I am dying because its like she wants to watch me dance.  I am darned if I do and If I dont.  Is this normal?  She now tells me she doesnt find happiness in her for other peoples happiness.  She is envious of her married friends because she doesnt understand why she cant be married too.  Its getting so bizarre so I just said I cant take it.  I have to be honest, I love her.  I just cant beleive the girl of my dreams is doing this to me.  She dumps on me, then comes back.  I know she cares, but she wont stay with me and give herself to a safe relationship.  Please let me know if this is depression ect?  Im at my wits end.  Thanks

Posted 8/9/2012 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
There is no way to tell if this is depression or some other mental illness or just her playing games.

She should be seen by a doctor. If she is not willing to go there is not much you can do about it at this point.

Take care of yourself, so when a crisis hits you will be there for her to pick up the pieces.

Trina
Posted 8/9/2012 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
Its just really messing me up. She comes back as nice as can be and sounds normal. Within one day she back to treating me with disrespect. She actually wrote me an email to send to my friends about our relationship to explain why I am screwing up with her. She makes it sound so formal, yet in person she is screaming everything nasty about everyone under the sun. She wont talk to me so I have to text her asking her why she is doing this. All she does is leave and bring me back. I dont understand the enjoyment of the game. She has told me in the past that she feels out of control with her feelings for me and doesnt like it. I would love for her to just relax and enjoy me but she just looks at me and treats me bad or like we just met. When I leave, she comes back. I dont know if she will come back this time. I hate it. She told me she doesnt trust her decision process with men because of all her bad decisions and what the results were. She said she doesnt want to go thru what she did with the guy dying. She says she wont go thru that again. I hear you. Thanks
Posted 8/9/2012 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
You are welcome.

Start thinking about what you want out of life and a relationship. What for the red flags that say NO this is not it.

Just saying....
Posted 8/10/2012 5:36 AM (GMT 0)
So how many times are you going to let her do this to you?
Posted 8/10/2012 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
Im not.  She actually wrote a letter to me to send to my friends about why we are not working.  She has it where she is just so innocent and I am a basket case.  She has alot wrong  with her and I know I have to move on.  Thank you for your support.  Its hurtful to know she can act like this.  I guess I just dont understand the game and what joy anyone gets out of hurting somebody you say you care about.
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