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Boyfriends Family hates me. Loves his ex

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Posted 10/23/2012 9:12 AM (GMT 0)
You are not stupid, you should hear some of the relationships I've had that are far worse than what you are doing. My point was, that you need to work on why you allow him to be so cruel to you.

You need to understand that you do not deserve what he is putting you through. You listed the problems in the relationship but only one of those problems is yours. Number 1 and 2 are his problems.

He is choosing to treat you badly and you are letting him do it. Not because you are stupid but because you are scared of being alone. One thing to think about... Instead of wasting time letting this guy treat you badly, you could be out there finding one who won't.

You are the only one who can stop this. Obviously he doesn't care enough about you to let you go when he obviously wants this other girl. Just walk away.
Posted 10/25/2012 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
I`m in a similar situation myself. I`m beginning to understand that once an opinion is formulated about you its very hard to change.
Posted 10/25/2012 5:52 AM (GMT 0)
Kaely,
I stubbled across this thread and love your "no-nonsense" advise , it is so refreshing, When so many people out there like to sugarcoat things and be delicate, like you said rather than sticking around being treated badly go out there and find someone that'll treat you well.
I'm in similar circumstances also
My boyfriend I met when I was 30 years old, I have a 12-year-old daughter, (then 4) ..
My BF was upfront with me about the fact that he wanted children of his own. I can't have anymore .. There's more to it but basically.
I was upfront with him about my medical condition/Conditions.
We both respected each other very much for our honesty .now it is eight years later, I'm 38. .. Not as young as I used to be and not looking as young as I used to.
My point is that we are finally breaking up, it died a natural death there's only one guarantee in life and that's change and there's no guarantee that you're going to change together. It still hurts..
I'm terrified of being alone. No one may want me with my health conditions. The pool gets smaller with age unfortunately and put a serious health condition on top of that .... So you have to get out there as soon as you can if it is not working, time is not on our side. ( I'm rambling now)
In reference to the thread:
I told my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend That it's going to be very difficult for me when he gets a girlfriend or future wife .. He stated that he would just tell her that she's going to have to deal with the fact that the two of us are just very good friends / best friends . .. That will go over great huh? When it's over it's over. You have to move on.." Feel the fear and do it anyway" talking to an ex is never ok. It means they want to be with them and are using you for the time being and The Ex ..oh she wants to keep her teeth in him for as long as she can, she is trying to hurt your relationship and the fact he is not doing anything about it just shows what a coward he is. She feels that need to have power over him , to control him because of her insecurities . Unfortunately love is NOT the answer to everything..it's Never that simple.
We have to look ahead, I want that man that will say " I want to be with you for the rest if my life" not "for now".. Right?
Posted 10/25/2012 6:53 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Sad.

Your ex is playing you. He knows you have feelings for him and he is using it against you. He is not only playing you but his other ex girlfriend as well. I feel sorry for her as well, because his not allowing any one of you to move on. He probably likes the feeling that there are two girls that cannot carry on without him. I know these are harsh words, but don't underestimate how harmful this situation is to your mental health. Do not waste any more time on trying to fix somebody that is already broken. Go out and find a nice guy who loves you and with who you can have fun with without all of these drama surrounding it. Life is short - enjoy it - don't waste it on somebody who doesn't deserve it and who just need you to boost his ego.

Posted 10/25/2012 7:03 AM (GMT 0)
Don't you want to be with someone that stands up for you ? Defends you regardless of what it is?
His guilt at having her have an abortion was an unforeseen, accident and his guilt is unfounded, these things happen ..
My feeling is that it may be too soon for him to date.
Maybe when his guilt has subsided and she has moved on.. But you are basically being bullied here by his family and I am sure the abortion is the real issue here. It may be in the best interest for the 2 of them to seek counseling through planned parenthood or any other program, separately, of course, unless it is better to mourn together but this "accident" is not your fault right? You weren't there right?
I just think he is not ready to date yet until he gets this out of his system and has the strength to stand up to his the scrutiny of the family but the 2 of them and the family are in a state of mourning and you are an outsider..
It is never right to feel bullied and that is what us happening here, walk away for now and if he comes back a stronger man then that's great, but you will always have your guard up in reference to his family. His texting and talking to his ex is motivated by guilt, his guilt, the guilt his family directs at him and of course, her guilt.
Remember guilt is an unproductive emotion .. It's exactly that .. Unproductive.
Step away and who knows, maybe you will meet a man that will sweep you off your feet..
And if not your bf could become that man of your dreams.. Lets hope.

Post Edited (Lasardo) : 10/25/2012 1:10:42 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/29/2012 5:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

Thank you for all the replies..

vrolik > u're totally right, I've been thinking about that since the day he went down for his ex's dance. He told me he wasnt going to see her, yet when he picked me up, he dressed super nicely, he sent me home in a rush, so that he could make it in time for her dance, he said he was meeting his other friends for dinner that day, a lot of lies, but to cut things short, he went and even brought her flowers, he later said they were from his mom, she asked him to pass it to her. I wanted to believe what he say, but...

We spent the whole of the next 2 days together. But on Sunday, he again went to fetch her, told me it was his mom's orders, she wanted to have lunch with her, he brought her back home around 4pm [lunch??] and said his mom was sleeping, so she's just there using his iPad to watch tv shows.. he disappeared for hours, 7hours.. next thing i knew, i saw her scolding me on her twitter. Calling my ex, HER BF [she capitalized the words] and that she is his GF, she has the right to do anything she likes.
When I asked him about it, he said she was lying, and that they weren't together. and he would get all angry, asking me why I'm trying to stir up trouble for him, y do i keep digging up stuff.

I know, I shd just walk away. I'm trying to..
Just that everytime i distance myself, he comes and says to me 'please, i really need a friend now.' and I can't bare to hurt him..

Lasardo > I do want someone who would stand up for me, when he stood up for me infront of his family, i was proud of him. But I don't know why he wont stand up for me infront of his ex. It's really infuriating.

Kaely & JB1 > Yes, I am trying to walk away.. trying, but obviously it's hurting and just really painful.
His friends, all tell me to let go as well, some telling me that he is def not the one and that he's not ready to genuinely care and love someone..

sigh...

now im really torn because i don't know if i should believe him, that he's not back with his ex, or if i should believe her..
Posted 10/29/2012 9:16 AM (GMT 0)
There is nothing to be torn about. Obviously he's leading her to believe she's his gf and also leading you to believe you're his gf. The sad thing is that you and she are upset with each other not with him. He's the one leading you both to think the same thing. Do you really want a guy like that?

It is far easier to be angry with one man than it is to be angry with a thousand women. He's playing with both of your heads.

Once again, this all comes down to why you are willing to be treated this badly.
Posted 10/29/2012 10:01 AM (GMT 0)

Kaely said...
There is nothing to be torn about. Obviously he's leading her to believe she's his gf and also leading you to believe you're his gf. The sad thing is that you and she are upset with each other not with him. He's the one leading you both to think the same thing. Do you really want a guy like that?

It is far easier to be angry with one man than it is to be angry with a thousand women. He's playing with both of your heads.

Once again, this all comes down to why you are willing to be treated this badly.

I think he might be doing that as well, but I can't know for sure. He's not leading me to believe i'm his gf thou, because i've already broken up with him, but he keeps saying he needs me there as a friend. I want to just completely break away, but I can't when he says that, because I don't want to hurt him.

I was very tempted to contact the other girl to see what she has to say. But I know she'll most definitely be hostile towards me and probably not want to tell me anything plus she will tell him that I approached her.
She's definitely dumber than I am. His friends classify her as his friend with benefits. and the worst gf because she has totally no expectations of him.

I just want to know the truth..

all these is taking a toll on my health, i havent been eating much, i have no appetite whatsoever even though i can feel my tummy growl, i've lost 5kgs this week... I try to force myself to at least eat a bit, but it's hard.
When i told him about it, he din bother much because his ex was always like this, she used this for attention so much that he no longer believes or cares..

But.. I'm just worried I might develop an ulcer in my tummy from the lack of food. I try my very best to have some food..
Posted 10/29/2012 10:11 AM (GMT 0)
You need to take care of you right now. He doesn't 'need a friend' he needs a safety net in case things don't work out with the other girl. Please do not let yourself be that. I've done that before and it just makes you feel awful.

After how he treated you he deserves nothing from you. You owe him NOTHING. Walk away. It's the best thing for you that matters. He doesn't deserve your friendship.

As to the not eating. You're in mourning for a relationship that failed. This is normal. As you get away from him and spend time with some real friends you will feel better and start eating normally again.

Keep in mind that you are better than this. Stop wasting time on him and move on. Spoil yourself for a while. Go do something you like to do. Hang out with your friends. If you can't eat, drink some milk to keep your tummy coated. As you move on your appetite will come back.
Posted 10/29/2012 10:29 AM (GMT 0)
you are right.

I always always always make up my mind to just totally distance myself.
... then he msges me and makes everything seem okay again by talking about some of our hobby related stuff excitedly...

sigh..
Posted 10/29/2012 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Stick to it this time Sad...

You are much better off this way... And we are herefor you...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/29/2012 1:22 PM (GMT 0)
Dear sad

Don't believe the things he tells you to keep you from leaving him. Rather listen to his friends. They probably feel sorry for you in the way that he is playing and lying to you. In my opinion, they are trying to tell you the truth by telling you to leave him. He is probable bragging to them about "his two girl friends and how they fight over him because he is such a great catch". You are worried about hurting him, but he doesn't care about hurting you. You have no control over his feelings and you cannot change him into somebody that does care. He doesnt care and you have to accept that.

I know how hard it is to leave. I was in a similar situation and I'm sure so were thousands of other girls. (I'm from South Africa - that goes to show that this is an international problem :) ) The only cure to your heartache and stress is to leave him. You will feel miserable but that will pass and you will heal. The poor other ex-girlfriend is probably going to be miserable for a long time. Don't be that sucker that waste her life away on a guy that doesn't deserve that.

Good luck.  

Posted 10/30/2012 8:10 AM (GMT 0)
He told them the same thing he told me, that he wasn't with her.
But I have a feeling he told them that coz he figured they were the ones that informed me of the tweets and it's kinda the same thing he did when we both got together, he told me to not tell any of them about our relationship just yet, because he din want his ex to find out and do something stupid because she was pretty attached to him. She deleted her tweets, saying she feels a bit pressured by the msges he sent her, but will do whats best for him.

I know I shd stop obsessing over this.. but.. oh well..
The only good part of it was the weight loss i guess. Thou i'll just put it all, and more, back on later on. lolz.
Posted 10/31/2012 8:52 AM (GMT 0)
Change his name in your phone to 'Liar'. That should remind you, when he texts you, to not answer. Better yet, block him. End of problem.
Posted 12/14/2012 10:37 AM (GMT 0)
Well, after a month or so of inactivity, I'm back with an update.
A stupid one..

so, we remained friends during this time, still doing our hobbies together, still going out on weekends and talking every night till dawn breaks.
but i found out he did get back with his ex just a mere few days after we broke up.
he was trying to lead me on at the same time as he is attached to her.

I was stupid. and a week ago, he told me he really missed me, n he wanted to meet me at that very moment, i met him, n we got caught up in the heat of passion, and I totally regret giving in. I hate it that he used me that way. N i hate how weak i was to give in.

a few days ago, i chanced upon his ex, she goes to the same place i go every monday for lessons. i decided to talk to her.. i told her what had happen, i asked her if they were tgt and everything, she told me when he talks, u can only believe 50% of what he says, which i already know. I tot everything will end [the deal with my ego, not wanting her to 'triumph' over me] when i told her what happen. We had an agreement that she wouldnt tell him, again, stupid me.
in the end, he came and scolded me, hurling vulgarities at me, telling me to F off. Calling me a troublemaker, saying that i ruined everything for him. and with that, he just disappeared.
He sent me a text msg the next morning apologizing for the vulgarities, but he never replied when i said 'so i was just a toy to u all along?'
i nv msged him further as well. But i feel really hurt.
and the girl used me as leverage, but she still thinks we're all friendly and stuff, she thinks i'm on her side. She said she forgave him and giving him another chance. But he has to promise never to contact me again.
Which he is trying to carry out, but the thing is he still has unsettled business with me, he still has a lot of $ he owes me. So many loose ends to tie up. I feel really hopeless and helpless right now.

If that night never happened, it wouldn't be too bad.. but I had to be weak and give in...
Posted 12/14/2012 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
But that night did happen. How would you feel about giving up on him and looking elsewhere? It sounds like you should let him be with the ex. Chaulk up the money loss to experience and move on. I would break all contact with him. He is using you...

I hope that things work out for you. I really think you should ditch this guy and move on...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/14/2012 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hard lesson learned. Move on!

The money is not worth the pain continued contact will cause, no matter the amount.

Grow stronger from this experience realizing you have control over the choices you can make.

Stay strong
Trina
Posted 12/19/2012 10:14 AM (GMT 0)
yes, i've stopped contacting him. he had the cheek to msg me the other morning telling me that he parked his car at my office, asked me to look after it. zzz.

i'm still gonna get back my money thou, not gonna let him off so easily, thats like 3full month's pay that he took from me. gonna make sure he pays me back every single cent.

just don't understand y i'm still so emotionally attached even though i know what sort of scumbag he is. I know how horrid a person he is yet i tend to soften up and let my guard down when he treats me well. i know i'm doing the right thing by leaving him and turning my back on him but i still feel extremely hurt. every single day i'm wondering what he's up to, every single day i'm feeling hurt and sad..
i'm eating better, but once he flashes across my mind, my appetite disappears.

i try to keep myself occupied with other stuff, but i still can't help it.. :(
Posted 12/19/2012 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Sad25,

Watch out, he surely know that you are waiting for the money. So he is playing you! He also knows you still have feeling for him or he would not have left the car!

If your company has towing signs, you can have the company tow it or just leave it alone and see if it gets towed on its own.

Personally, and I have been in this position, the money is not worth it. You will feel more empowered by cutting him off cold turkey and be done with him!!!

He is playing a game and enjoying it! You have the ability to make the game stop and end his fun.

Stay strong
Trina
Posted 1/9/2013 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Happy 2013 everyone.

Thank you for helping me along difficult times last year.

I'm happy to say, although I still get affected sometimes, but I've stopped holding on to hope that he would get better. I've given up hope on him. I ignore his calls n messages, and I'm feeling a lot better now n looking forward to the future.

I was lucky to have gotten out of that horrible relationship early. I can but only take it as a lesson learned.

I still havent given up on the $ he owes me. I'm not gonna give him a free pass or an easy get away from paying me back. In addition I lost my job due to retrenchment. Where I come from, there's no such thing as retrenchment benefits. N he has drained my savings. So by hook or by crook. I need the $ back to survive.

Despite all these. I still feel excited for the new year for some reason. It may be because of change. Well.. I do hope this year would be a positive year, a better year. For me, for u, n for all those who are in pain n suffering. :)

Cheers!
Posted 1/9/2013 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sad,

I am glad that you have broken contact with him. You might have to let the money go. In order to keep your mind good. But if you think he will pay you back, then maybe he will. Things are going to get better. You will find another job. It takes time. How did he drain your savings? By borrowing money?

I am glad that you are still excited about the new year. That is fantastic. I hope that things continue to get better for you. Keep your chin up hon...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/9/2013 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
I am happy for you. Still consider blocking his number and being 100% done with him.

Money is not worth your mental health.

Peace
Trina
Posted 1/29/2013 1:45 AM (GMT 0)
Stop seeing this guy.its a routine. He is what he is, its either u accept him and be lied to all the time, or u leave him.
Posted 5/14/2016 11:21 AM (GMT 0)
I went through this for 7 years with my boyfriends family. Not the other stuff you deal with with him which could very well be him doing what he is TOLD to do. I am sure you are smart enough to figure it out. Do NOT let yourself be a sponge for their miserable behavior. You are allowed to speak up and demand respect and I don't care if it's the Pope. People feel powerful when you give them control so do not give anyone the power to control you, your relationship or your feelings. They will thrive on it like vultures! I will tell you what I tell my teenaged daughter...NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOU BUT NOT EVERYONE MATTERS. Yes it would be nice to be cared about, included and accepted but if it doesn't happen the world still turns. If you and he love each other then it doesn't matter. Their attitude is their problem NOT yours. He should be supporting you about it and if he is not then he has to go. If he is then you do no harm and take no crap. Don't give people so much power.

Post Edited (Luccgirl) : 5/14/2016 5:26:14 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/14/2016 12:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Luccgirl,

This thread is three or four years old, so I don't know if you will get replies or not.

Welcome to the depression forum. Feel free to start a thread of your own.

Hugs, Karen...
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