Brand-new to the forum, joined only minutes ago.

Hi Karrisma,

Wow, you have a lot going on with your mental health. And with your past experiences I can see where you would have some issues. I think it only stands to reason. What you need to do now is put all of the past issues behind you and live one day at a time. Focus on some things that make you happy and work on that. I can understand where you would feel like giving up. But don't... You can still have a good life.

You may have a tough diagnosis, but that doesn't mean that you can't still be happy. But it does take work, which you are doing now just to stay afloat as i can see. So this will be a little more.

Do you go to any type of counseling? I highly suggest it if you don't. it can be a way of moving forward with our lives and let the past stay in the past. There is nothing we can do to change things. So now we have to work on us and get on with our lives.

I had to take out a sentence in your post about suicide. We can't discuss that here. Thank you in advance for understanding that.

I want to see you get through this. PLease seek out counseling if you aren't already. And get some books to help you along. There is one called "feeling good" by Dr. David Burns. It deals with cbt therapy which would be helpful. But you may need something more in depth with your diagnosis.

I have pretty much been a loner for a long time. But coming here has helped me. I have friends now. Not a lot. I like to be by myself actually.

Keep posting. Know that we care.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Karl,

I think making the best of any given situation is the best that you can do. That is what I try to do. But at my age (53), I don't let a lot of things bother me. But I have dealt with my past and moved on.

I hope that you like the book. It is an older book. I found it used on amazon for six bucks.

Keep posting, and know that we all do care...

Hugs, Karen

Kharrisma,

Just want to mention that "Depression" is an illness and needs to viewed and handled as an illness. Yes it can be chronic, all the more reason to be proactive with it.

You don't have to "live with it" as it is, depression can be reduced and put on the back burner of your life. You just have to become very aware of yourself and your health.

If you look for the discussion " alternative treatments to depression" on the second page of this forum, you will see some good suggestions for diet and care. Along the lines of what Michael was talking about.

Welcome to the forum, continue posting, we are here to support, share and listen.

Trina

Karl,

You have to feel safe within your elements. If you are living with an abusive person, you aren't going to get better. I would suggest changing your surroundings and see where that takes you. You really aren't doing yourself justice by staying with your wife if she is abusive to you. As you heal, you will be able to put these things behind you.

Mindfulness is the key. Staying in the present. In the now. No dwelling about the past or worrying about the future. It is a necessity for getting better and being able to focus on what it is that you need to do. There is a lot to be said for the mind/body connection. I hope you persue it. Along with meditation. It really helps to calm you. You have the tools to do this, use them...

Maybe you are not healed so that is why you can't let go of the past. It is so right in front of you when you are dealing with it, like in your face. You think about it all the time. But as you are getting better, you will find that you think about it less and less. Then when you are healed, it is behind you and you are ready to move forward. Take it one day at a time. But please don't live with abuse. Verbal or physical. You don't deserve that...

Keep posting, as you can see, many are here to listen and tell you what they can to help.

I hope that you feel better soon. Take care...

Hugs, Karen

Getting by,

The problem with the wife is mostly in the past (serial open infidelities), and has been over for around 7 years ('course, in a 39 year marriage, 7 years is not all that much). Having problems with it because she simply won't come clean and tell me WHY she did this. Inadequacies on my part, emotional neglect, just too tempting... just don't know. I suspect it was because I wasn't "present" enough for her (elements of asperger's in my psych makeup), resulting in perceived neglect. Hence the outside interests. But it's all speculation on my part. I don't think I'll ever be able to put that behind me unless I can get the truth out of her... which appears not likely after all this time. The only other thing is that she says things that are hurtful and/or disrespectful, sometimes without even realizing that she is doing so. When she IS aware if it, she generally apologizes for it, genuinely, I feel. This is not even on my radar as a problem; not until the bigger stuff gets resolved, anyway.

I'm almost 60, and I've been on disability income for three years due to an 'at-work' injury, and am unable to work again. Our combined income is barely enough to get by; we're financial prisoners, able to exist here, but unable to go our own ways. Like it or not, we are dependent on one another. We co-exist amicably enough, but that's about all that's left. Leaving this situation is not realistic at this time, or probably ever. I'm not going to get any better, so unless I hit the lottery or something, here I stay. Maybe you're right in that this is why I seem to be stuck. I'll have to think about that one.

Living in the present is problematic as well. All I have to do is look around at where I am, and our current circumstances, and the litany of failures that led us to this place comes crashing down yet again... it's tough to ignore when the reminders stare you in the face daily.

I'm not complaining, here; just genuinely at a total loss as to how to get around, over, under, or through this mental maelstrom of negativity and despair. Everything I see steers me right back into the pit.

Michael? I know that holisticism (?) is not a cure-all; nothing is. But, as you intimated, conventional western medicine has yielded little in the way of results; so if anything IS going to work, it must be something else entirely. Whether holistic or Eastern medicine or something else, I'm open to giving it a look-over and a test-drive. I'm glad you are getting some positive mileage out of your approach to healing. Perhaps you're going to have a nosedive followed by a rebound; I've seen it happen often enough to others. Let's hope so. I agree: this is by far the best site I've found for support and content. So many of the other sites are infested with "trolls" who seem to delight in adding to the genuine members' misery. I will never understand that kind of mentality... and I'm glad that I won't. Wouldn't want to.

Another annoying issue is that I can't even trust myself about what I want. I get all absorbed by some new field of interest, and start researching it, acquiring the necessities, get all ready to get going... and lose interest. Not what I wanted to do after all. This has happened SO MANY times over the years that I just now look at any new interest with skepticism. I keep waiting for something to just grab me by the throat... but nothing ever does. It feels like I'll spend my entire life searching for that "one thing", and not find it. Disheartening.

Thanks all, again.

Forgiveness is the most under-rated action in the world. I was SOOOOOO liberated when I attained forgiveness-my spirit soared and was free. If you don't forgive, the evil ones win. The hell with that-don't give them the satisfaction!

I have had MDD for 7 years-been hospitalized 6-7 times, 18 ect treatments and at least 20 ADs and another 20 ancillary meds-pretty much to no avail. I finally realized that I was going to have to go thru all those toxic emotions (anger, guilt, shame, worthlessness) and then push on thru them. There are some issues that all the meds in the world will not address. Of course, that is my humble opinion. So, I have been letting these feelings wash over me (feels like drowning), cry it out, scream it out, punch pillows, cuss their names and sins to the heavens and when you finally collapse exhausted....LET IT GO!
Then repeat as needed-LOL!!! I make light of it cuz these feelings cut so deep, we must laugh to keep from going utterly cuckoo.

Your post touched me because I saw myself reflected in much of it. I was blessed with a wonderful childhood, which only proves that depression may be lurking somewhere in our helices (is that plural helix?) I am sorry for yours-it is time to let it go-perhaps screaming like I do or meditation. Do you beleive in a Higher power? My faith sustains me many days, keeping my chin bove the stormy waters.

I, also have started looking for a more natural approach. Upping my dopamine levels thru supplements and food. 5HTP, magnesium, serotonin boosting foods etc. I have very limited financial resources also, so will let you know if I find any deals.

I am glad you joined us here-these are the friends I can't seem to find in my 3D world and I am so grateful this forum is here.

Stay strong
Mags

Getting By, The why of it bothers me because until I can know why, it could happen again. I can't just close my eyes to it and act as though it never happened. It feels too much like denial. The way I'm bolted together, I can't be easy with something until I understand it, or at least have all the facts. This situation is no different. I truly wish I could put it down; it's a monstrously heavy burden, and I am SO tired... too many days when I simply don't care if I get ahead or not, or even to make it through yet another day. Just don't care. But again, thank you for your caring and your thoughts. I *do* consider them.

Bayoub2, Jeez, and I thought I had it bad... hospitalization? Well, that's one thing I've managed to avoid. It was close, though. They made me get rid of my guns and other lethal implements. They even sent someone around to check. Had I not complied, I probably would have been, well, taken into custody, I suppose.

I have a horrific time expressing my true emotions; I always have, since late childhood/early adolescence. I get paralyzed at the thought of exposing myself like that, to *anyone*. Ever. Venting like that is something I seem unable to do. I just choke it all down and bury it somewhere, along with the turmoil it has caused... and it's never heard from again. Probably why my blood pressure has to be treated with meds. You're right about laughing; the ONLY thing that has kept me going is my sense of humor, twisted as it is. If that ever goes, so do I. Yes, helices is correct... if that matters. Your meaning is clear.

Higher power? No, not really. I've never felt it, and I see no evidence of it; I do see some truly awful things happening in the world, and wonder where that higher power went, if it exists. I do believe in something, which I can see but not explain, and that is simply how order and pattern arise from utter chaos, throughout the cosmos, at all scales. And how the counterpart of order, entropy, returns that order back to chaos, so that order can arise anew. There's something profound in that... wish I knew what it was, though.

My wife (new-agey-touchy-feelie type) has put me on a boatload of supplements, though I have to be careful of interaction (potentiation or negation) of my prescribed meds. Can't take 5HTP, for instance; it'll overload my system with something-or-other that one of the meds is already doing. The diet has helped a lot (no sugar, little salt, raw foods, almost no meat...) Lost a LOT of weight, at least.

Thanks for your input; it lends me some perspective that is sorely lacking in my restricted little world.


BnotAfraid, I do understand forgiveness and who it's for. I also understand that any impediments to achieving forgiveness arise from within me. It's what's in the way that is problematic. I feel it's my 'mental makeup' that's to blame... my very way of looking out at the world. I was a mechanic for most of my life, and everything I look at, I see in terms of how it works, how it can fail, how or even if it could be repaired, how it inter-relates with things around it... not very romantic, but highly useful. Useless in interpersonal dealings, though. People aren't machines, or predictable. I can't read them; they are totally opaque to me, and I have no ability to 'read-between-the-lines', to hear what wasn't spoken. So I take what I see at face value and hope that he/she means exactly what was said. Not a very good track record, though. That darned autistic thing, again.

I'm sorry about your brother's apparent delight in tormenting you. He's got a lot of growing up to do. Not that that makes any material difference. Still hurts.

Strength has never been a problem. It's the will, the desire, to persist in what has been and continues to be an extremely dis-spiriting life. I'm as nice as I know how to be to literally everyone I encounter. As long as it's superficial, things work. The minute they get deeper, though, that's when the wheels start to lock up and fall off. I get ignored, disrespected, insulted, belittled... and cheated on. Repeatedly. Literally everyone of importance in my life-to-date who should have been supporting me has either ignored me, abused me, cuckolded me, or backstabbed me. Why would I want to continue? It appears both futile and pointless. I just don't interact well with people, and at this late date, it seems I never will. I'm one of those guys who should have lived alone and apart, content with tinkering and reading. Might wind up there yet.

Getting morbid, time for bed. Maybe even some sleep.

Thanks all for indulging me in my rants and wallowing.

Morning to all

I have enjoyed this discussion...it gets to the crux. I am sorry that you have to slog thru this K.

I was raised also to not show genuine feelings. My mother was British private school educated and well, young ladies did not show anger or lose their temper. All that anger was turned inwards on me. Lots of selfishness, self destructive behavior for many many years. I am 59 and I am just now coming to see where alot of this crap wells up from.

I understand your failed attempts to understand why. Sometimes we really have to go outside our "comfort zone" to acheive our goals. Remember that some of your thought processes are dictated by your depression. The more negative thoughts we thionk, the deeper thesae processes are carved in our brain pathways. Even chronic pain becomes more chronic the longer we have it. It becomes harder to thin k positive. I have to fight that every day. But, what choice is there? We have to battle no matter how hopeless it may feel. You are obviously an extremely intelligent and self aware being. I am confident you can feel better.

OK gotta roll and email my family in Sandy's path-I worry since they have not had the grand experience of a real hurricane. I pray for all in the Northeast.

Take care K and keep -posting

Mags

Hey I feel you there,

I am in Michigan. Not necessarily in the storms path, but it has been rather cold and windy.

Take care and stay safe. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Huh... Sandy was not much of an event where I live (Lakes Region of NH). Lots of wind, but I've seen windier days; lots of rain, but I've seen more. Put 'em together, and while impressive, it's nowhere near the panicky predictions for days beforehand. Some limbs down, minor flooding, the basement sump-pump came on (usually runs only during the big Spring melt). Lights flickered a few times, but never lost power. I feel very fortunate, judging by what I'm seeing on the news. I can't imagine coming back from an evacuation stay-over, only to find that literally EVERYTHING is gone. Just gone. darn.