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Posted 10/26/2012 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

My name is Tracey, I am a 41 yr old single female in the south florida area.

I have known about this forum for awhile now but have not had the courage to sign in.

This is my story..or at least what i can get out of my confused head.

I have suffered with depression since i am 14 yrs old. in and out of therapy, but was always able to reconnect with real life whether it took 3 days or 3 years.

1 yr ago my mom passed away..I was her caregiver for 2 yrs. She was my best friend, we never went even 1 day w/out talking and now my dad has parkinsons and i am a caregiver for him( well trying to be ).

I am so lonely, so sad, so alone, so isolated, soooooooooooooo frikkin miserable, that i hardly help my dad at all and he needs the help so much.

I pretty much just sit in my room 24/7 and cry.

I have tried therapy, medication etc...

Nothing, I mean nothing is working. I can not seem to reconnect to reality. I just sit in my room cry and watch tv.

In the process of all this misery, i keep getting diagnosed with all these conditions example: herniated discs in neck and back,arthritis in neck and back,scholiosis,ptsd,diabetes it goes on and on... I actualy had 1 dr say to me...you are so depressed you are making yourself sick and you know something i think he's right.

I cried so much yesterday that i woke up today broken out all over my body and i mean all over. It's getting so bad I literally think about suicide all the time.

Now i don't really want to die, however i can not go on like this. I cant even get myself to a mental health professional at this point. I am so tired and so sick and the kicker is i have no one to help me and i mean no one. No husband, no kids,no one.

I try to read the posts i know i am not the only one suffering. I feel so drowned that i can not pull myself up.

I HAVE TO GET HELP, i even called the suicide helpline and they did put me on a follow up so every so often someone calls to see how i am doing thats it.

I never feel happy, I am always physicaly ill. I truly hate living like this.

It's so easy for people to just say, well you just have to get up and do it.

I wish it was that easy, it's like something inside shut off and i do not seem to be able to turn it back on, nor find the help i need to do so.

So here i sit in tears, in pain, in complete utter misery.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

I feel like a complete failure

Posted 10/26/2012 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum. You aren't alone anymore. And in no way are you a failure. You are just in depressive state. You will come out of it. It is also very possible that your depression is making you sick and it is a viscious cycle.

Are you sleeping a lot? Or just staying in your room? Either way, you really need to get back into therapy. It does help when you find a therapist that you can click with. It helps just to get out of the house.

Have you contacted the commission on aging or in home health care to get some help for your father? You need a break. A person can't be exected to do it all. You should be able to get free help for somebody to come in and give you some relief. You do need to get out of the house so that you will feel better.

We all have been through this. Go easy on yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for what all you have done. You are a good person and you need to know that.

I tried to take care of my grandmother. I did it for awhile. But I had two ladys coming in to help me from the commission on aging. I paid one of them. But commission on aging paid the other lady. And a lot of them will donate time.

Look around and see if you can get some help. Know that is okay if you can't do it all. You are not a failure in any way.

Keep posting, it does help. Do get a therapist to help you get through all of your issues. You may need some pain relief too.

Know that we care about you...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/26/2012 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tracey and welcome to our crazy lil world!!

I too am struggling right now...I actually feel "paralyzed" and the smallest task seems overwhelming, so I put it off which just causes more guilt and stress!!!

I did not read about any meds. What meds are you taking, if any? Please call your mental health agency and get an appt. I know how tough that sounds right now, but I bet you can do it. I got so sick I haven't seen my counselor in 2 months..I am finaqlly seeing her next week.

Karen has some great suggestions for help with your Dad. If he has a church home, they may help too. You are handling a mighty big job, especially with the depression. Try to be proud of your caregiving-it is a wonderful show of love.

I just wanted you to know that we are here and we do understand. You made a great big step coming here today. Keep it up!

Keep us posted
Mags
Posted 10/27/2012 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
ty Karen & Mags for the kind words and advice.

I do have help with my dad. It just started this week thru the VA. They come a couple of hours a day, 5 days a week. I need more help but it's a start.

about the medications, this year i have been given everything from prozac to morphine for both depression and pain. The antidepressants just make me throw up, except the prozac, so i started that again this week.

The nightmare with the pain pills UGH. It is very difficult to get pain meds in south florida and when you do find a pain doctor they will not take any ins. I have done research on this since january and have been to a few of them( which now also makes me look like a dr shopper, so the dr's say ) and not too sound like a double edge sword but they really make me feel yucky also. Those opiates are not good for me. I know alot of people with chronic pain need meds, I prob do also my body just cant handle it.

I have actualy even tried suboxen. Everything makes me feel sick.

I know i need therapy and every night i go to bed and say OK tomorrow you make that call or find a diff therapist and the next day comes and i just sit here and cry.

I dont think anyone is realizing that i just dont have the strength to do it anymore. I feel 1000 ft under sea level.

I try to think of positive things, my thoughts are all distorted and negative

I dont even feel like i belong here. I feel like no one understands how truly isolated and alone i am

Posted 10/27/2012 12:38 AM (GMT 0)
Keep taking the prozac, give it time, even tho it feels like there is no time left.

I DO understand about not having the strength Tracey. Truly I do. But you are not alone anymore and we can help you take that first step, if you let us. You are a worthy, loving human being. You deserve beter and you can have a better life.

Let us know how you are doing tomorrow. Maybe you could just look up a mental health clinic and write the number down. Try starting with that. Just do that one little thing, ok?

Take care and take a deep breath...talk with ya tomorrow

Hugs
Mags
Posted 10/27/2012 1:00 AM (GMT 0)
Tracie,

Don't give up. We are all here for you now. You aren't alone anymore...

I hope that you have a good night and as mags said, get the mental health number and make that call. You can do it tomorrow. I know how you feel. It is hard. I am sorry that you can't take pain meds, some people can't. But there still might be things to help you, we can go over those options. I am sure there are things others can come up with. Heat helps pain, moist heat actually. There are the over the counter patches that might help. I think once you start to feel better the pain will let up some. I have fibromyalgia and I know what the chronic pain is like. It is no fun at all. But we will work on getting you feeling better mentally first. You can visit the chronic pain forum and read too. You might get some ideas there.

take care and have a good night.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/27/2012 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Karen,Mags. I can not tell you how much it means to me to have this support.

The words you both used such as we and us really do make me feel not alone for the 1st time in i can't even remember.

I am really going to try to get up in the morning, shower and get the number.

I really need the guideance. I am so confused i didn't even know where to begin as you both understood.

I'll post tomorrow and let you both know what happens.

I hope you both have a good night

Tracey

Posted 10/27/2012 7:22 AM (GMT 0)
Tracey,

it's quite possible you're not eating properly because of the depression - you surely are not getting enough exercise - and this can be a big part of why you feel so sick when you take the meds. Most require some substance in your stomach when taken.

As you've heard, you are NOT alone. We've all been through the same things to varying degrees and know how you feel. You should feel nothing but pride for having cared for your Mother so well but must be kind to yourself with your Father. You can't do it all.

Being from Canada, I can't speak to any assistance you may be able to get but what Karen spoke of sounds like what you need.

Post here as often as you need, if only to vent. We all care about you Tracey - this is a family and you are welcome as could be. Know you are in my thoughts.

Brian
Posted 10/27/2012 8:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tracey. I can identify with so much of what you're going through. Soon after January 1st, I went into a crippling state of depression. Like yourself, I spent 24/7 locked up in my apartment. Like yourself, I'm all alone with no close family and friends. Like yourself, I was so lonely, so sad, so isolated, so miserable. You lost your mother a year ago who was your best friend. A year ago, I lost my very best and only close friend from cancer. Like yourself, no will to live.

In June, I forced myself to get outdoors and walk every day early in the morning and late in the day. I would also spend time in a Park feeding the squirrels and people watching. The Park is home to many homeless who have nothing. This made me appreciate all that I have. I was depressed and miserable at home but at least I had a home. I began to eat healthier and I started taking a high quality supplement each day. I almost immediately began to feel a change. I'm doing so much better. I'm not cured but I'm managing and functioning and no longer have that crippling depression.

Tracey, you need to do whatever it takes to get better. No one should live the life you're living. You need someone to speak to that can help you and a Therapist is a great start and so is posting on HealingWell. Gradually, you will get better. It may not seem possible but it will happen. You must seek help and also help yourself. I completely agree with Brian that exercise and diet are essential. Either consult with a Nutritionist or go to your library and borrow a book on Nutrition. This has helped me and it can and will help you. Visit your local Health Food store and have them recommend a high quality supplement and whatever else they can recommend for depression. I wish that I lived in Florida and had warm sunny days everyday. The outdoors and sun if very beneficial for those suffering from depression.

We may be strangers but we care about you. We know what you're going through. Again, seek help and help yourself. Posting here was a giant step forward. Keep posting and post often.
Posted 10/27/2012 12:13 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning Tracey

It seems your post really struck a nerve amongst many of us. There are many streets leading out of depression. I had put my whole trust in meds and counseling. I have now realized also that I need to feed my brain some good stuff. Like everyone said, exercise and diet are key. You may not be quite there yet but you will.

I hope you can look up that number today. One little step can be empowering, make you feel less helpless. I am glad you feel welcome here.

Let us know.
Mags
Posted 10/27/2012 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
We all care about you and wouldn't steer you wrong. I too hope that you make that call. But no pressure, if you can't do it today, you can do it another day. Though the sooner the better in this case...

I hope that you are feeling better and know that we all care...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/27/2012 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tracey,

Welcome to the forum and I am glad you feel support here, that is what we are here for.

I too am hoping you make that call sooner than later, but in your own time.

"move the muscles and the mind will follow" then becomes a little easier.

stay strong

Trina
Posted 10/27/2012 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tracey

Just checking in...I hope you will keep posting, although you have your hands full right now.

I hope everyone has a good evening...it is cold for Mississippi and the cold is creeping into these ol' bones...time for a pain pill-lol.

Take care
Mags
Posted 10/27/2012 10:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Tracy, I am 47 yrs.young. I have been in a world of crap in my own head since the age of 9. I have read your post and am really worried about you! I know it is hard just to get out of your room to even go to the bathroom,eat, shower,etc. you have had alot on your plate with just a hint of what has led you to this dark area? Have you tried to get help with a New Therapist? If not, you could go to the nearest Hospital and tell them how much you have been having suicidal thoughts. It sounds, by the way you have reached out to all the people on the Forum, that you are really trying to get some help? I think it is out there, if you push yourself just to make the first step towards making a few phone calls to getting help. I know you can do it, you are a strong person,sometimes even the strongest buildings in the world get frail and start to crumble,without some type maintenance. When you read all of the Great messages that have been posted just for;"YOU TRACY" then you will get the strength to know how much you are LOVED by complete strangers, and you will pick up that phone and make some calls, like you have been Wanting to for days now. We all need Help in different ways, and at different times. I'm hoping that your time is NOW, or Tomorrow, but sooner than later will help you get back on the road that you long to be on...Remember>>>>> "WE ARE ONLY AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS" <<<<<< YOU CAN DO IT TRACY!!!!!!XO
Posted 10/28/2012 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hellooooo? Are ya with us Tracey?

Hope you are not in Sandy's path.

Check in if you can

Take care
Mags
Posted 10/30/2012 5:37 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you all for the kind words.

Today is really a bad day, so i am not going to say much.

You all have such good advice but i just cant bring myself to do anything except cry. i think im just past any help.

Thank you all for the kind words

Posted 10/30/2012 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Tracey

Thank you for checking in...some days that's all we can do..no guilt, ok?

Please pop in a few days and let us know how ya are

Take care
Mags
Posted 10/30/2012 6:01 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks,mags i emailed you
Posted 10/30/2012 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
Tracey,

Even though you aren't feeling well, thanks for popping in and letting us know. We all care about you and want you to feel better. Reaching out helps tremondously.

Take care, get some rest and be good to yourself. This will pass and you are going to feel better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/30/2012 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
Tracey, I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this pain and suffering. I'm so hoping that eventually you can start feeling just a little bit better. Keep posting.
Posted 11/1/2012 2:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi All,

Hope this post finds all doing well.

I want to thank everyone who responded and sent such warm beautiful thoughts and great advice.

Somehow i worked up the courage to call my old therapist ( the 1 i blew off due to this depression ) They are actually a team of doctors that all work together, a medicine dr, cognitive and so on...really good place.

Anyway they were so happy to hear from me and did nothing but help, they even had my med shrink call me personaly at home today. I was floored what dr calls you at home because they are actualy truly worried about me. It was a nice feeling, anyway he can't get me in until friday so he was nice enough to call in a couple of meds for me to help me until i can see him on friday.

I do not think i would of been able to make that call w/out the upport of all of you, and i mean that. I was even able to call my cousin and aunt and tell them whats been going on the past few months and they are coming to see me & my dad this weekend. I am very anxious about this havent had any visitors in a long time but dangit I will do everything in my power not to cancel no matter what.

AND no matter what, no matter how i feel if i have to crawl to that therapist appt on friday I WILL!!

Geesh i hope i can keep this attitude up, it's always in the back of my mind that i am going to go backwards, guess in order not to do that i'll keep praying & posting.

THANK YOU,

Tracey =)

 

Posted 11/1/2012 10:33 AM (GMT 0)
Yay Tracey!!!

I am very happy for you.

Keep up the good work!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/1/2012 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
Tracey,

I am so very joyful for you! I can feel your pride as you look forward to this appointment tomorrow.

Post and let us know how things went for you if you can. Remember to be open minded and that it takes time to get back on track.

Stay strong.

Trina
Posted 11/1/2012 1:39 PM (GMT 0)
ATTAGIRL TRACE!!

I am very proud of you!! And glad family is coming to see you-they want to help.

Please let us know re appt

Good job
Mags
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