Posted 11/23/2012 4:59 PM (GMT 0)
Breathing feels difficult and I feel so anxious and nervous that it makes me nasious. I never used to feel this way and I'm afraid that I will never be the happy person that I once was which makes me feel even worse.
It all started 6 months ago when my boyfriend of 3 years called me up out of the blue to tell me we where finished. It was completely unexpected and I was devastated. After a few weeks I realized that I was much better off without him, right around the time he apologized and said he wante to get back together. I said no and haven't spoken to him in over 4 months.
Fresh to the dating scene I met another guy. We quickly started spending a lot of time together and were intimately involved. I thought things were going great and was so happy again when he suddenly cut me out and begin to ignore my existence. I didn't understand what was going on so I finally texted him after a week of no communication. He said that we could not see each other anymore because he liked me too much which was complicating his desire to not have a relationship right now. Which obviously is a load of bs. I was extremely sad and hurt by this. How could another guy just drop me like this so quickly??
But I tried to move on and soon met guy #3. He was a bit older but was fun and exciting and took me on all sorts of fun adventures and again we were intimately involved. Again I thought things were going well until the invitations stopped and then the text messages, after a week of nothing I sent him a *** text to which he replies that it was fun, but we don't have a lot in common so he'd rather end it now before it becomes harder to do later.
So now I am seeing guy #4. I took things much slower with him then the others and we have been seeing each other for over 8 weeks now. Honestly I think I am in love. But I am so afraid that there will be a repeat of the incidents I experienced with the others that I feel sick every time we part. He doesn't want to put a label on our relationship as he is currently applying for jobs all over the country and doesn't know where exactly he will end up. So he says. Part of me fears that he just wants to stay available in case something better comes along. He has a lot of girl friends that he texts and interacts with on fb and that makes me nervous. We were supposed to hang out tonight but he cancelled to do something with his family instead. This made me feel sad because I was really looking forward to it and I feel badly because he feels as though he cannot introduce me to his family. I don't know if he is embarassed of me or what. Then I started to worry that maybe he is actually going with another girl or something. So I am just laying in bed crying writing this. I haven't heard from him since last night when he canceled. He said he "should be" free to hang out afterwards when I asked, but there is no definite plan and I will die if that doesnt happen.
I know this all sounds like hyped up stupid drama, but to me it is all consuming. I have been seeing a therapist for months trying to sort things out but it hasn't seeme to make much of a difference. I am just so lonely.