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Depressed wife won't come back. What do I do?

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Posted 1/25/2013 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
My wife left a month ago for an extended but planned family visit in another state, but now she won’t come back home, which she just told me a week before she was originally planning to return.

We moved from living near her family and friends where she is now to be closer to mine 7 months ago. She originally wanted to move here, and it made sense for us financially because the cost of living is much cheaper here. But, she has never felt accepted by my family and has been depressed since moving here. This goes back to before we were even married 3 years ago, when my mother and brother questioned her and our relationship. Now, at almost every family gathering, my wife will be set off and angered by comments that my family makes, which aren’t even intended to hurt her. She stopped going to most family gatherings, and I’ve been stuck in the middle between my family’s constant questions about her and her not wanting to do anything with them. I’ve just made excuses like she’s not feeling well. It’s also hard because I’m stressed financially and not the happiest person to be around lately, and she doesn’t work so she’s around me all the time. She was seeing a counselor for months before she left to deal with her depression, which she won’t discuss with me.

I’ve been insecure about my wife leaving for the long family visit, mainly because I know she’s been unhappy here and feared that she may not come back. Also, I knew she’d be going out with her single friend who likes to get drunk and hook up with random men almost every time I’ve been out with her. So, I’ve questioned my wife about where she’s been and it has led to her getting angry with me when I call her, thinking I have to know her every move. She has become more distant each time I talk to her, and said that she wants space to figure out what happened to her and the person she used to be. I also noticed that she deleted her fashion blog and videos that I helped her with that she’s been working on for the past year, which she said she didn’t have time for anymore. I asked her sister what was going on and told her about my wife’s anger towards me, and her sister told me that she’s really depressed and unhappy, but not to worry because she’s acting like that with everyone there and has good and bad moments. I tried to give her space by not contacting her for a few days.

Two days ago my wife told me that she was coming here to talk about a lot of things, but she’s not planning on staying. She said that she’s made decisions during the time and space I’ve given her, but she wouldn’t elaborate. I’m really worried about losing her, and that she may not love me anymore. I told her that I don’t want her to give up on us, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better, including marriage counseling. She makes impulsive decisions, like deleting the blog and her fb a few years ago, and I just hope she doesn’t make one with our marriage and delete me.

Please give me any suggestions on how to handle our “talk” and our future together.

Thank you
Posted 1/25/2013 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
Mr. Mike,

The best advice would be stay calm, listen to what she has to say and be 100% honest.

Yelling, and getting angry will not solve anything at the moment of the conversation.

Asking questions and listening to what she has to say may give you some insight into what is going on.

Stay strong
Peace
Trina
Posted 1/26/2013 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
Here's some additional perspective on my life with my wife.

I told her to find a job when we moved here, especially to get her out of the house and to meet new friends here, which would also help her depression. At first, she looked for jobs, but after a couple weeks of trying she gave up and has had excuses ever since. I work from home and she's around me 24/7, which I feel is too much.

She is a princess type and has always been taken care of, but she did have a part time job before we moved here. She does do all the household work and cooking. I do the bills and house projects. Her depression has made our sex life worse, which I regretfully complained about. She has little or no interest in my interests. We watch TV in separate rooms. She loves to get out of the house and go places, especially where she can dance. The problem is that going out to bars and to eat all the time costs too much. I didn't have a problem with her not contributing financially as long as she had a part time job to keep her busy. But, my income has since decreased and resulted in a lot of stress on me.
Posted 1/26/2013 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know if she was officially diagnosed with depression. But, she cried for the first month after we moved here, and then started seeing a therapist weekly to deal with it. She wouldn't discuss her unhappiness or depression with me. I thought she was getting the help she needed. Also, she won't work or look for a job.

My wife loves to dance. It's her favorite thing and makes her happiest. It probably also helps her forget her depressed thoughts.

As for my family and her, there is always tension now, and I don't think it can be fixed. I was very angry at how my family treated her 3 years ago, and I didn't speak to them for a long time after. But, things seemed to improve over time. My wife and I visited them before moving here, and she said she was fine with moving where they are. Obviously, she wasn't.

I have suggested marriage counseling, and hopefully she will agree to it.

Post Edited (mr.mike) : 1/26/2013 9:56:57 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/26/2013 5:04 PM (GMT 0)
See this is must it Mr. Mike. Your wife is seeing a therapist and you don't know the diagnosis.

This shows, a hugh lake of communication between you and your wife. That is what the realtionship comes down to. You and her. Watching TV in seperate rooms, really! In this day and age of chanells you can not find a compromise?

As I originally stated, LISTEN to her. Then have her listen to you. From there perhaps a new beginning can blossom.

Peace
Trina
Posted 1/26/2013 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
I hope that she goes to marriage counseling with you. That would be a good start. Welcome to the forum Mr. Mike...

PS  I read that your wife liked to go out dancing, and you said she does impulsive things.  She could be bipolar if she is acting this way.  As was posted above, most clinically depressed people don't have the energy or the enthusiam to go out dancing...

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/27/2013 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't heard from my wife yet about when she's going to be here today. I was thinking about what she told me about having plans to come here, and that she said she would call me late tonight or early tomorrow. She may not be flying standby to come here and talk, which I just assumed. She might be driving, which would mean she borrowed a car and is coming to get her things and leave. This would also mean that she's very determined to leave if she's driving 800 miles back and forth.
Posted 1/27/2013 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
Mr. Mike,

Your wife does not sound like a person with "depression". There are issues and communication is one of them, on both sides.

However, you do have a right to know what is happening. Forecasting the future will only make the anxiety worse for you. You do not have a crystal ball. Perhaps she does not have the funds available for a plane right now for whatever reason.

You will have to what and see. Breathe and calm yourself. If she does leave you, listen to why, then say your piece and ask if she will go to counceling. If that is what you want.

I wish you Peace
Trina
Posted 1/27/2013 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
It may not be depression. She told me that she had malaria as a child and almost died. The medication she had to take affected her personality and made her very angry and easily overreact to situations, which is still true. It also left her with a learning disability, and school was very difficult for her. She lost her mother at 12, and she feels like she lost her father the next year due to remarriage to an evil stepmother. Her sister told me months ago that my wife is looking for home and to feel safe, and that my family does not make her feel safe.

Post Edited (mr.mike) : 1/26/2013 5:47:54 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/27/2013 10:09 AM (GMT 0)
My wife and I talked. I remained calm and listened. She told me everything that's been bothering her with our relationship. She says it's half my family and half me, and she went through a list of why. She dreams of a happy life with her in-laws, but said she will never have that with me. She thinks my mother and brother hate her and always will. She also thought that I never stood up to them enough when defending her. She says that they've caused our relationship to go down and down.

As for me, she said I've been overly critical of her repeatedly over the past 3 years about her clothes, body, our sex life and even her choice of shows she likes. She says I don't take her out to dance enough, and I'm unhappy when I do. She brought up trips that we've taken that she didn't think I was excited for. She's been waiting for me to give her a dream wedding because we eloped when we got married. She feels that I haven't been trying to have the wedding and get her new ring because I've bought other things instead, and she's been waiting 3 years. She thinks I'm too impatient and get angry as a result, which pushes her away more and more.

She doesn't think I will change. She thinks I will always be too impatient and critical. And she knows my family will never change. She said that she doesn't want me or my family to change if we tried because she thinks it would be fake and not a natural change.

She's given up on me. She says things have gone too far to where she doesn't care anymore. She won't see a marriage counselor. She's done with me.

I'm heartbroken. We both still said we love each other. I got a little emotional because I know my impatience and criticism is coming from my financial and family stress, and I told her that I wish she could see that and let me get help. I know I've wronged her so many times. I've been under constant stress since we got married, and I have plenty of low points where I lash out. I haven't been the same person she first met. I don't have enough money for her dream wedding and ring. I know I need help and want to get it. She said it didn't matter and it's too late. I asked her to at least take some time to think about what I said and not make a decision yet. She said her mind was made up before she came to talk. She wants to end it. Once she makes up her mind that's it.

We ended our talk calmly. We hugged a few times. I told her I love her and hope she will at least consider what I said about getting help. I don't think she will change her mind. I think it's over. She's taking her things and leaving tomorrow. I feel like such a fool and a jerk. I'm the one who's depressed.

Post Edited (mr.mike) : 1/27/2013 3:24:40 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/27/2013 10:38 AM (GMT 0)
You probably are depressed, but it seems she didn't give you any ultimatum. She didn't seem fair to me. But that is just my opinion. I think what she said was final, and I don't know if you can change her mind. I think you need a little counseling to get you through this and to see if you are depressed. Take care of you now. Take it one day at a time. I am sorry it ended this way, but by the sound of it, it is over. Stay strong, you will get through this...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/27/2013 2:13 PM (GMT 0)
I don't think it was fair either to let it go this far without warning me that it may soon end. She said that she gave me red flags from our past arguments, but she wanted me to fix things naturally instead of explicitly telling me how much she was hurting. I think it's too late also. We're broken.
Posted 1/27/2013 2:56 PM (GMT 0)
I hate to see any relationship end this way. And like I said, she wasn't fair to you. But I am thinking this could be a new beginning for you. It will come slow. Take it as it comes, practice mindfulness. Be good to yourself. I don't think you did anything really wrong in the ways that you have coped and handled the situation. It sounds like you were more than fair.

Like I say, be good to you. Do something nice for yourself that you enjoy. Get hooked up with counseling so you can see how you want to live the rest of your life. New Beginnings!!! Take it one day at a time...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/27/2013 3:06 PM (GMT 0)
I agree that we're disconnected and leading separate lives. I know I could reconnect us and where our problems lie, but she won't even give it a chance. You're probably right that it's for the best.

Post Edited (mr.mike) : 1/27/2013 8:14:44 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/27/2013 3:30 PM (GMT 0)
Mr.Mike,

I am so sorry it do not go well and that she refuses to leave a window open for you to try and fix the relationship.

Therapy for you, for just a while may be helpful. From outside some key points I would like to note showing lack of partnership are these:

Why a wedding and a New ring after you are already married? Both made the choice to elope! Financial issues, wait til your 25th!

Dancing? whats wrong with the living room? It is about being together.

The family problems, only a counceluor at this point could help I think.

You received some very good input from other members. You are the number one priority now. Take care of yourself and learn from your experience! Things will get better in time.

Peace
Trina
Posted 1/27/2013 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
My wife is packing everything of hers and leaving. She's signing over her car to me. She returned her Xmas present from me that can only be used here. She won't reconsider anything from our talk. The only thing she said she might do is see a marriage counselor once to give me closure but not to fix our marriage, which I asked for.
Posted 1/27/2013 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
this is sad, but at least it is honest and out in the open now.

Try breathing calmly, take things one step at a time. You will have some grieving to go through.

Stay strong.

Peace
Trina
Posted 1/28/2013 8:19 AM (GMT 0)
I will focus on improving myself. I already bought some self help books and plan to start working out again. I haven't slept properly since we moved here over 6 months ago. Actually I haven't slept well in years, but it's been much worse here. Exercise will definitely help that.

It's hard not to blame myself for my wife ending it. My stress in the tough times has led to far too much criticism and anger towards her. I can see how it would have built up inside her until the breaking point. I should have been more introspective, but for some reason I had blinders on. I hate that I've criticized her so much without provocation or reason. I don't know why I was trying to change her because I love the way she is.

Her sister, who came here with her, said that my wife's been unhappy, sick, constipated, crying and lashing out at her for the past month. She sleeps 13 hours a day and won't talk to anyone. When she does, she's irritable and defensive. Her sister thinks that my wife still loves me, but she won't communicate normally with anyone.

She's still here with all her stuff packed and ready to go tomorrow. She was crying on and off the whole time packing. It may be the last time I ever see her. I hope I don't breakdown after she leaves.
Posted 1/28/2013 12:23 PM (GMT 0)
I really hope she is getting counseling and seeing a doctor for this. Sounds like she is surrounded by that nasty dark cloud, depression. Encourage her to get some type of help.

I hope things work out for you. One day at a time is my motto. Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/28/2013 8:30 PM (GMT 0)
A lot of our disagreements are superficial. But, she just couldn't take my unhappiness and constant criticism anymore. I pushed and pushed until she was gone. I kept trying to change her, and I didn't even know why. She's traumatized now.

I'm going to seek help for my stress and anger. I'm also going to start working out and trying to get normal sleep again. I need to start working on myself.

She agreed that she will keep seeing a therapist. She wants to cut off all support from me, and she signed over her car to me. She was crying on and off all morning.

I just drove her to the airport and let her go. I told her that I love her and just want her to be happy. She said I'm a good person and wished me the best, and then left for her flight. I hope she considers what I said about trying to fix my problems and doesn't give up on me. But, for now she's done talking and is moving on. I won't be contacting her because it won't help. This is the worst day of my life.

She just texted me "Thank you for everything :) I will always appreciate you forever."

Should I respond to this?

Post Edited (mr.mike) : 1/28/2013 1:47:13 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/28/2013 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the advice. I would normally want the support of my family, but since they are the cause of many issues that led to the downfall of my marriage, I don't know if I even want to speak them. I'm searching for counseling. Is there a certain type of counselor or therapist that I should look for?
Posted 1/30/2013 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
I'm going to a therapist today to try and fix my control, anger and depression issues. I made a list of all the things I criticized about my wife, and it's unbelievable to me how negative I've been.

I also started working out again. Hopefully my sleep will fall in line now.
Posted 1/30/2013 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
I am very happy for you Mr. Mike... I think you are on the right path. The exercise will help too. A change in lifestyle always helps if it is for the best. I wish you success with all of this. You are doing the right things...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/1/2013 3:45 AM (GMT 0)
I met with a psychologist who specializes in anger and depression. He also does individual and marriage counseling. I'm going every week now to work on my issues. He didn't understand why my wife's psychologist didn't involve me in her treatment and progress. Also, my wife wouldn't talk to me about it either. She's going to find a new psychologist where she is now.

What kind of effect will ignoring Valentine's day in two weeks and our anniversary the next month likely have on her? She loves holidays and gifts even more than most women, and she's gotten extremely upset and cried in the past if I didn't plan something perfect or I was late in celebrating. How do you think someone like this would react if I didn't even acknowledge those dates? Would it push her away even more and make her feel more justified in leaving, or would it just sadden her and make her see what she's missing? Should I completely ignore those dates?

Post Edited (mr.mike) : 1/31/2013 9:09:48 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/2/2013 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
I don't think I will acknowledge those dates. My wife has contacted me everyday since she left by phone and text to first say she's sorry she hurt me, then she got a flu shot on our insurance, then she sent me signed paperwork for her car, and now she wants to know what to answer to a mutual friend's text. And she starts crying at some point during our conversations. I stay calm and listen to her, and I tell her I'll do whatever will make her happy. Should I just stop responding?
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