Posted 1/28/2013 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi.
I'm wondering if making impulsive, poor decisions is a symptom of depression.
A short timeline to explain my situation:
February 2011: Moved to the pacific northwest on a whim. Lived with an acquaintance until I found an apartment.
March 2011: began dating a guy I'd met online in 2005 (a long story) whom I'd met up with a handful of times before when visiting family.
April-October 2011: Had and lost three jobs, none of which lasted more than a week.
November 2011: Got hired at a moving company and met lots of nice people. I was happy.
June 2012: had been living in the pacific northwest for about a year and a half, and had complete breakdown. Admitted to the hospital, where I underwent a round of ECT treatments.
July 2012: Dad flew out to pacific northwest to help me move my things and to bring me "home" to the northeast for TLC and better recovery. Broke up with boyfriend of a year and a half.
November 2012: Hired in northeast at a small doctor's office as a receptionist. Like the job, but have terrible hours and terrible pay. No benefits as it is part-time.
July 2012 - Present: Have been working out, eating better, taking Viibryd, feeling better.
I've been mooching off my parents since July, and it was my plan from the start to move out when I felt better. A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to move back to the pacific northwest. I told some of my family and friends that that was my plan. Yesterday I bought a one-way plane ticket for February 18th. After I bought the ticket, my aunt called. She made it very clear to both me and my mom that she thinks I would be making a huge mistake if I went back. To compound this, I wouldn't have a place to stay or a job when I got there. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I e-mailed my ex-boyfriend (we're on good terms) asking if I could stay on his couch until I got an apartment for March 1. He hasn't responded. I asked a bunch of my friends if they knew anyone who would let me stay with them (subsidizing food/lodging costs, obviously) for a few days, but no one seems to know anything.
I feel like this is just a terrible plan and will only end in disaster again. My family out there clearly doesn't support my choice. I feel unloved and unwanted, and don't know why I thought going back to the place where I was so miserable was a good idea. I can't see myself ending up there in the longterm, and I feel like what I really want is to strike out on my own, which I could do closer to where I grew up.
I just don't know what to do now, because I've already bought a plane ticket and told people I was going - I don't want to be a liar or an untrustworthy friend. I've scoped out places to live, and told people I would meet them in person when I arrived. I feel really out of control, and I don't know how to fix this. The worst part is that I was so sure I wasn't moving back because of my ex-boyfriend, but then I thought about how awful I would feel if he left. I've made such a mess of my life in such a short time. I feel really conflicted and alone in all this.
Help!!!