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Posted 1/31/2013 8:03 AM (GMT 0)
Why is is so hard to find someone to love? For the most part I am happy being single, I like my own company, I am able to entertain myself, but there is this part of me that just wishes I could fall in love, get married, be like everyone else.

I seem to always date people who don't care about me. Is that a reflection of how I feel about myself?

I am generally a proactive type of person, but in this one instance I do not know what action to take. I suppose I should be patient, live my life the best I can and just hope for the rest, but it is hard. I hate not fixing things. But I guess some things just can't be fixed.

It just seems sometimes that things are harder for me than other people. I suppose I am just judging my insides by their outsides. Maybe people are just great actors and I can't see it. The whole world is screwed anyway, I often wonder what the point is of all this. Why are we on this god forsaken planet? What is my purpose? Do I actually have one or am I just wandering around aimlessly until my death? I no longer want to die, but I am just not sure what the point of living is.
Posted 1/31/2013 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
Have you ever heard the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side"? Things always appear to be better than they are. And when you get over there, then you see it, and your side looks greener. So things aren't always as they appear. And a lot of it is acting. We want to appear as if everything is okay so we put on a front. That is human nature...

Take life one day at a time. Focus on your needs and what you want. The rest will fall into place when you least expect it. You will find love. It just takes time for the right person to get there...

Keep your chin up. Stay in the moment, the now... Take care of you... It will all work out for you to be happy... Remember, you are a good person and worthy of love...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/31/2013 5:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for your support. I know you are right. Everything you said I already knew, but for some reason I needed someone to confirm it. It is too bad knowledge isn't always accessible when you need it.

I understand being lonely in a relationship. Been there before. That is much worse than being alone, sitting there next to someone who doesn't love you because you are desperate to be with someone. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it. So much wasted time chasing what will never make me happy. I realize I have spent the last 43 years searching for something that only I can provide. I don't know how, but I guess it will all work out.

Thanks again for all your support. I find peace talking to you folks here. For once I feel like someone gets me. Hope your day is good. Take care.
Posted 1/31/2013 6:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jennifer,

I think we learn to love ourselves through self nurturing. Practice that. Write affirmations for yourself. Positive statements. I love myself, I am a good person, etc... After awhile all of this comes into play and you realize you really do care about yourself. Make time for special things you like to do. Relaxing things. Even just going for a walk by yourself helps. Do you have any pets? I have a dog and she keeps me grounded. I often put her needs before my own. Making sure she is fed, watered and cared for. But she brings me back to earth, and that really helps.

Do you go to any counseling? That is a huge factor. It keeps us moving forward. Gives us some stabilty and keeps us on track.

Be good to yourself. Know that you are a special individual. Coming here helps a lot. I am glad you have joined us.

Take care and have a good day...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/31/2013 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
Relationships are very complicated things and can sometimes turn out very icky. I don't think your relationships are a reflection onto yourself, I think it's just picking someone as soon as you can so you don't have to fear being lonely.

- Rainy
Posted 2/1/2013 6:37 AM (GMT 0)
I guess I am not really in my right mind right now. I had thought I was doing better, but I hit a wall with depression again today. Just so tired and I don't want to deal with anything. Still I get up, go to work, do what I have to do. Sometimes I guess that is as good as it gets.
Posted 2/1/2013 7:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jennifer,

I'm new to this site, so bear with me. I too feel the same as you. 3 failed engagements, one beautiful daughter who does not want to know me now and lives with her father. All my relationships are superficial, I think I don't let people in because I'm scared they'll run if I do. But then they run anyway wink Or I run from them. I just couldn't do without my friends and am the same as you, like my time alone.

Posted 2/1/2013 11:25 AM (GMT 0)
Eventually the little things are going to seem so special Jennifer. It just takes time. There will be a few stumbling blocks along the way. Take them as they come... You are goint to make it. It will get easier as you go along. Just don't let the little things trip you up.

Being depressed and still having to push through is hard, but you are doing good. Give yourself a pat on the back from time to time, and see your accomplishments. Love yourself...

Hugs, Karen

Hi Disie... Welcome to the site...
Posted 2/1/2013 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jennifer,

I know how you feel, I said some your same words back in my mid-twenties. I stopped dating for 2 years because I could see the married idiots coming a mile away!

Than a new friend came into my life, not romantic thoughts at all! We were married a year later, still are 23yrs in.

In the 2 years I did not date, I did what I wanted to do, made me happy with in reason. I was enjoying life day by day and before I knew it had forgotten about the future and what was not there.

I am not saying it is easy, but you can do it. Everyone is correct, must be happy with yourself before you can be happy with others. You may even what to think about talking to someone about this.

Stay strong
Peace
Trina
Posted 2/1/2013 6:58 PM (GMT 0)
You are all right. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminded of what we already know. Perhaps instead of complaining I will start logging all the good things I do for myself. That way I can see the positive rather than the negative. In my head I know I am just fine. I really have no problems other than depression and pain, which for most part are manageable. I have more than enough food, a place to live, a decent job, even though I am not happy with it and want to find a new one, two cats who love me. One of them is actually begging for my love this very minute. I have parents who even though I don't really connect with love me and support me if I let them. If I could just focus on being grateful I think things will be better.

I heard an interesting quote which made a lot of sense to me today. "Thoughts have power." I cannot control my first thought, but I can banish it and move onto something better. My head is my worst enemy.

I am so glad I found this site. The people here seem to understand in ways that "normal" people don't. It is nice to have your support, wisdom and I appreciate you all.
Posted 2/1/2013 8:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for posting and you sound so much better. Keep practicing the positive...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/2/2013 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jennifer,

As you know I'm new here but I'm already connecting with a lot of what people have to say.

I'm approaching 40 and my last meaningful relationship was around 13 years ago. Part of the reason I moved abroad was because all my friends have settled down, had kids etc.

On my down days this haunts me and I wonder why I never connect with anyone. Then on my up days I rejoice in the freedom I have that they could never even dream of.

I now think that if a relationship ever does come along, it should only be to enhance my happiness, not as any kind of fix.

Also, what I'm really grateful for right at this minute is that I can come on a forum like this and instantly connect with people who know exactly how I feel. This technology wasn't around in my day :)
Posted 2/2/2013 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Btw, are you aloud to put smily faces on a depression forum ;)
Posted 2/2/2013 1:01 AM (GMT 0)
I think so Dek73, that is new to me... Try it and see...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/2/2013 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
Glad to see you are feeling better Jennifer.

I go to New Life Meetings and they have some great Affirmations to help. One of my fave's is The past is gone forever, No longer shall I be victimized by the past. In other words, whatever you have done is not worth dwelling on. Never forget the past or you will make the same mistakes, but don't dwell on it or you will never have a present or future. Learn and move on. What you are doing by writing things down is a great way to see how much you DO have. I know a Rehab where it's manandory to "Journal" every night. I speak to these girls and they hate doing it, but after a few months when they go back over their thoughts, they realise just how much they have gained, changed etc. Keep up the journalling.

Posted 2/2/2013 6:55 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all. Yes I am feeling much better. Thank god my depression seems to last in shorter intervals than it was a few weeks ago. I guess the meds are working.

I came up with a plan to make this weekend better than they have been. I am taking myself on a date tomorrow., Going to hit some shops on rte 1 and spend the day in Newburyport, Mass, even though it is winter and cold as hell I need to get out. Going to see some new art and perhaps shop a little. Then on Sunday I am going to my life back in order by doing housework. You can always tell how I feel by looking at my home. I think by cleaning it I will feel much better. I will be able to look around and see order, rather than chaos.

I am so glad to have found you people. Keep up the good work.

Jen
Posted 2/2/2013 7:25 AM (GMT 0)
Good on you Jen,

Keep up the good work and happy cleaning. :-)

Posted 2/3/2013 5:45 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for all of your good words and thoughts. I had a great day all by myself. I finished it off by going to the gym, and now I am starting to clean my house. It seems I have a choice to let myself get down, and I have a choice to pick myself up the floor and live my life. Not every day is going to be as good as today, but lying on the floor in front of heater bemoaning my fate isn't going to help. Sleeping all day on the couch isn't going to help. Getting off my ass and living life, even when it is difficult helps. Taking deep breaths and staying in the moment helps. Being grateful helps. Hopefully I can remember all of this the next time I am down.

Here are two quotes from my favorite movie The Shawshank Redemption which always seems to help:

"Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

" I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin"
Posted 2/3/2013 5:52 AM (GMT 0)
Great to hear Jen,

Hope your date went well. Ahh, do I smell another S.K. Fan??? I love that quote 2. (Busy living)

Posted 2/3/2013 6:04 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, it is my favorite movie. A few years ago I was at an all time low. I had a night where I actually thought I might actually kill myself. As I was in the bathroom flushing all the aspirin and other meds I had in the house that quote came into my head. It was like at that moment, I made the choice to live. I had wanted to kill myself ever since I was a kid. After that moment I have not been plagued with that desire. I still occasionally think of it sure, but it does not consume me any longer.

Also, S K book On Writing gave me permission to start writing my novel. I really owe that man alot.
Posted 2/3/2013 7:04 AM (GMT 0)
He really is inspiring isn't he? If you haven't read the Dark Tower books, I strongly recommend them. There are 7 in all. He's a recovering addict also and in these books address's this by writing himself into the story! If you have followed his books you can actually work out when he was using and when he was sober! Credit has to go to his wife Tabitha for staying and pushing him. I get alot out of his writing and the imagination behind it.

I am currently updating my Library (DVD & Book) and just purchased Shawshank. I had it on my Foxtel DVR, but when I moved, lost it. Had to hit Amazon. :-)

Posted 2/3/2013 7:32 AM (GMT 0)
I actually found the first 4 books of the series of the Dark Tower series on a free shelf at work. I plan to read it soon.

I have only read maybe 1/5 of his books. I usually keep them on tap for when there is nothing else I want to read as I know they are guaranteed to be good.
Posted 2/3/2013 8:24 AM (GMT 0)
Have you worked out if it is Past, Present or Future Yet? S.K. comes in at the end of Book 6 and through Book 7. Another good one is The Talisman (co0written with Peter Straub) That's epic.
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