Don't understand it

I just don't understand why I get crippling depression. Reading some of the stories on here, I get embarrassed just bringing it up.

I realized my long term dream of moving from the UK to the US, even going back to university quite late on to get a masters degree.
I have a well paid job. I completed a marathon. Things should be all good.

I was diagnosed with depression around 8 years ago. I took fluoxetine for 6 months but stopped due to it completely flatlining my emotions. I seem to be able to get some extraordinary things done when I'm on a high but I am paying the price when my mood swings.

I almost quit my job today. I hate it now but know the problems there are all of my own making. I'm terrified of leaving though. I have a fear of becoming destitute even though its probably irrational.

I think over the years I give off an aura of having issues and I now have no friends and don't speak to family. I'm alone all of the time outside of work but i just don't want to be around people. Going back home wouldn't solve anything either as this thing seems to be following me around.

At the moment I just feel like curling up in a ball. It's all getting a bit too much.

Thanks. I always try to deal with everything alone. It's been a case of having to.

I was going to say, it's nice knowing others are going through it also, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, so you know what I mean.

Hi Dek73,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am glad that you have joined us. As you can see here, you aren't alone. We all suffer one way or another. Depression stinks, I think we all agree on that...

I am pretty much a loner too. I like it that way, it is a lot less complicated. But now and then we do need a friend. Whethere it is a visit or just a phone call, or email. Contact with others seems to be there on the list of things we should do. Coming here helps a lot. I think you are learning that. It is nice to know you aren't the only one dealing with depression.

Keep posting and know we all care...

Hugs, Karen

I'm sure I do have an imbalance. I just don't feel easy taking medication but therapy could help.

I didn't really know who to contact being in a new country and never having been to the doctors here yet. I do have medical insurance via work so I emailed my health care provider yesterday with my concerns. Hopefully they can point me in the right direction.

For today, I'm phoning in sick. I can't face another day like yesterday and hopefully I can stablize myself over the weekend.

It's just so embarrassing at work when they are starting to realize that there is something wrong with you.

I know it is hard, but you are taking the right steps and should start feeling better. At least in control. Hang in there, and keep posting...

Hugs, Karen

When I got intrenched in a low productivity several month long time in 2006 I went to my internist to review my medications for life long depression. We discussed a number of newer medications and added one of them to my daily schedule and deleted one. It was very helpful for me. Would you consider trying medication again? There are so many other types besides fluoxetine. Lexapro 20 has a reputation for low side effects and it has been very successful. Medication is very important for you to help mitigate the issues you are having now and you need to find one that you can tolerate so you can stay on it. With an 8 year history of depression you should be on an antidepressant without any starting - stoping events.

I hope your appointment goes well DEK73. Be open. Depression for me at least does not put me in the place to make reasonable decisions. My mind tells me all sorts of unhelpful things. It tells me to kill myself, or cut myself, or pack up my car and run away, all ideas which I am luckily capable of reasoning out at this point and knowing they are not options for me. I wanted to quit my job, but my doctor told me to wait until I am feeling better as my judgement is off. I am taking her advice on that. I am still looking for a new job, but I will at least not burn the bridge of my current employer in the meantime.

This is a wonderful place full of really special people. I hope you stay on to share your journey with us. Knowing you and I are in a similar place, and are still breathing and taking action makes me feel better.

I'm thinking about going into work on Monday and speaking to my manager in private. I could be completely honest and tell him the real reason I'm having issues is the bipolar rather than just missing home.

I could explain that it might take me about a month to stabilize on the meds and I probably shouldn't be given any high pressure deadline related stuff until then. I will also need to take the time for my appointments. I don't mind taking a pay cut for a while if they think its appropriate.

Does that sound like a good plan? I really don't trust my reasoning.

After reading up on similar situations on the Internet, I've decided not to tell work about my depression. I think mine is the kind of place where it would spread around in a flash. There is no HR dept.

I'm just debilitated at the moment. I can't even move off my couch. Worrying about having to face everyone on Monday after taking Friday off ( it was a big deadline day! ).

I've been thinking some more about why I'm so unhappy at work and it is just the work itself, not the place or people. I make video games and after 15 years, I've just outgrown it.

I'd love to be a writer but it's a catch 22. I struggle to make any meaningful progress with it whilst under the pressure at work. But if I quit, then I'd probably worry about not bringing in money whilst I'm getting good enough to be paid for writing.

Yes, I did at least get that done. The bare minimum but at least it is out if the way.

So I went back to work and nobody has said a thing. It's like nothing happened. Now I feel completely ridiculous but emotionally drained.

I guess I'll start feeling better now. I will continue down the road of seeing the therapist though as I don't want this to keep repeating.

No words of wisdom here, but totally relate to the flatlining emotions. It affected me the same way. Truthfully, I think the meds might have made it worse because you tend to rollercoaster when you come off them. I got a lot more help long-term from CBT.