Im Hurting

I haven't visited this site for a while. Guess I start coming by when I'm really hurting and don't know where else to go. I have so much pain inside. My therapist is trying to help, but sometimes it seems like it will never end. My life always seems like it's in turmoil and it's been going on for so long.    I have been wanting a divorce for a long time now but keep telling myself to stay in there for the kids, don't hurt your husband like that, keep trying.      My husband was abused by an older brother and has anger problems because of it. My son now has anger problems too. Now that our son is a teenager it's become a real problem. Now I have both of them putting holes in the wall, or throwing things...Since my first marriage was an abusive relationship it's really hard for me when they're yelling, hitting the walls, throwing things..etc. We have been going to family therapy and my son is in testing then will start individual therapy. Right now he is refusing to take the meds. Things escalated with him when he started lighting fires and got suspended at school for buying a smoke bomb and the police were called because he had a website where a girl put a posting asking him to blow up her locker.. and some other stuff. He didn't get in trouble, but they did talk to him and the girl.

I self injure and now my family knows about it. Unless you also self injure it's hard to understand it. I feel very alone alot of the time.

My mom gave me up after my parents were divorced because her boyfriend wouldn't marry her otherwise. I lived with several different people. I always hung onto the fact that my dad did finally take me. I found out recently that he tried to give me to a home, but they wouldn't take me because I wasn't disabled and he was able to take care of me.

My work has been so stressful. I finally talked to  my boss and she has lightened my load tremendously. I am hoping that will help.

I know this sounds like alot of whining. It does to me to. The problem is that is's stuck inside and is so painful. I want it to go away. I am so tired of this. Sometimes its hard to keep going on, the family guilt is the only thing that keeps me trying.

I guess that's it....I'm seeing my pyschiatrist tomorrow to re-evalute my meds. Maybe that will help. Something has got to.

TB

Post Edited By Moderator (CheerDad (Randy)) : 6/1/2005 9:37:18 AM (GMT-6)

Good luck today with the meds evaluation. I am glad you are seeking to get some help. Please let us know how things are going.

thetiger - My favorite animal is tigers. Thanks for your understanding. I guess if I didn't *** myself I would think it was pretty wierd. It's so much a part of me know, it's normal to me, but not. I don't know. I hate hurting my family by doing it. I try not to let them know, sometimes they find out.

Eventually I'll figure my life out. It's just taking so long! Whats going on with you?

Post Edited By Moderator (AlwaysRosie) : 6/5/2005 9:23:07 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks innocence. I appreciate your comments and somehow it feels better knowing there are other people out there that understand. I'm sorry to say I have been falling away from God for awhile. I used to be at church almost everyday. Teaching sunday school, or ate dinner there on Wednesdays, took the kids to youth group. I guess I lost hope. I don't know.

Anyway, hope everything is good with you,

Terri

 Sadgirl,

First let me start by saying that you have some horrofic issues to deal with. I feel bad for you. I have never been in that situation so I can't say "I know what your going through". NO ONE knows what any one person is going through. We all have our own "monkeys" on our back.  Yes, we are all in depression, but for many different reasons. I can contribute a few things to you to maybe help. You may not like them or you may. Whatever you like, take it with you and leave the rest for others who may need it.

My first and foremost being I turn is to my Lord and Saviour. Any one person that would sacrifice their life for the lives of others and give us eternal life by His hanging on the cross deserves the glory. If you don't have a "higher power", it really would behove you to do so. I have tried to dedicate my life to pleasing Him but I too have had a few "demons" knocking at my door and I am fighting not to let them in. There will never go a day in my life when I don't pray to Him, ask or Him, give Him the glory, say my serenity prayer or whatever else I think needs attention like you and your family. I will do that today.

 

The one thing you can do is to "pull yourself together" and try to make a life for your entire family. Someone has to do it and if your spouse is not, some has to. There has to be a "higher power" in your home as well. Somone has to show the others support and if you don't, you will be facing some very serious issues. More so than the ones you have now. If you feel you can't handle the problems anymore, give them to God and don't take them back. Put them i His hand and then pray daily for the support and the courage you need to go on. You have to do this. I take it there is no signs of love in your family, right? No hugs, kisses, pats on the back, At-a-Boy's" or anything else? Where can your family find strength if someone doesn't help them to find it? Someone has got to be the "gate keeper" and as it seems now, that's you. Since you are the one posting, you are the one needing the help. You have asked and we will give but God helps those who helps themselves. "If you ask not, you have not". Do this. Nothing is dead until the Lord says so. If you have taken a wrong turn, go back and make it right. You will see that the more encouragement you get here, the better you will feel. God bless.

"Lefty"