I don't know that I'm depressed for sure, so maybe I shouldn't be here. There's just this nagging feeling, like a persistent fly, that I'm not okay.
I guess this is the life story part.
I'm still in high school. And I'll be the first to admit I haven't lived up to my full potential. I ****ed around a lot. I have the worst kind of motivation: I do what I want and don't worry about
the consequences until they're right in front of my face. And at that point I blame everyone else. It's hard to make my parents happy. Especially when what they want is a straight A, sporty, generally normal daughter. They got an artist who "wastes her intelligence" and dates all the wrong guys and says all the wrong things. And the things they don't know, the fact that I smoke and drink and do a bunch of other deviant crap, that would kill them. So the fact that I didn't get into Columbia, and barely got into The University of Indianapolis on a conditional acceptance, didn't help our situation. And I, being the selfish girl that I am, expected my mother to be happy I got in at all. I have all these dreams. All these goals of changing lives and being someone, and I'm stuck in community college until I get my head out of my ass, if that ever happens. I'm meant for more so why am I still here hating myself?
Second bullcrap issue, my friends and significant others. I can't even tell you which "best friend" I like more anymore because I pretty much never see any of them anyways. The one that's supposed to always be here for me and is has her own life and problems, and I could never ask her to worry about
me. So, as I usually do when I feel alone, I turn to guys who treat me well and then change, as they all do. I've been pulling that crap since before I felt like this though. I hung on to a guy who beat the crap out of me for half a year before I found someone who treated me better, temporarily at least. Now I'm with my best friend, five years we've spent together as friends, and even he can't see it. I always do this. I feel alone and I panic. I can't be alone. It scares the crap out of me.
A friend died a few weeks ago. He was 24. I don't want to go into detail, but whatever doubts I had about
a god, were confirmed.
I don't want to kill myself. But I feel like I'm going to die. And sometimes I feel like it might be nice.
I don't really know why I came on a forum to spill my guts. There's not even a real correlation between the things that have been bothering me. I know my problems sound like bullcrap from some little girl who doesn't know anything about
real life. I just don't know who to talk to.
I'm sorry.
Post Edited (Typical Sav) : 3/12/2013 7:09:15 PM (GMT-6)