Who do you turn to when your family has abandoned you?

I am a young woman in her 20s and every single day i battle with feelings of abandoment.

My mum lost the plot when I was 11 due to drink, and now she doesnt really know the difference between her hand and her foot. She had never been a great mum anyway, I wasnt used to cuddles or saying I love you, when she hugged me sometimes I just felt awkward. My Dad never wanted anything to do with me although he only lives about 2 towns away. Its a 20 minute drive (less time than it takes me to get to work every day).

I have my grandparents but they moved to Greece when i was younger, and i know they love me but i cant ever see them when i need to. I have other family, like my Aunt who lives near. I lived with her for a while but I was a "problem child" and she didnt treat me very well because of it. Shes a big reason for my low self esteem. There was a lot of emotional abuse and neglect went on, not things you could actually see, but things that hurt when you are 16 and feel like nobody wants you. Anyway i grew up, and its a few years later. I recently contacted her and we met up. I told her i need her and she is the closest thing i have to a mum left, and she said she knows, and we can build bridges, but i havent heard since.

I asked to meet up with her because i had an abortion not too long back. Mainly because i wasnt ready. I dont need to be judged, i judged myself enough, and i think it hurt me more than normal because i have no family and this thing, this person, would have been mine, and mine to love and i could make history okay again because it could have been my chance to make it feel loved, like i never was.

I have amazing friends. Amazing. They are my life and soul because without them i would have noone. I know i can count on them, but theres only so much friends can help with when they have their own lives. I have a crazy emotional and wierd relationship with this guy (the would-have-been father). we are not together but he is my best friend (kind of) although he hurts me quite a bit but i seem to stick around and let him. Its not all bad, we get on and we always have a laugh, but i dont seem to be strong enough to walk away, when i know he will always eventually hurt me somehow.

I have so much trouble letting people go, and i am always living in fear that i will lose someone. I feel so lonely. I dont have time to see friends in the week because of work, and i just want my mum. More than anyone, i want my mum to come and stroke my hair, and talk with me about the baby i never met. Or listen about my hard day at work, or even ask what my favourite colour is. I want someone to love me unconditionally. I know my granddad and nan do, but i never get to see them.
I need love, and i need to know i am needed and wanted. My aunty hasnt bothered contacting me since. Maybe when she met me she realised again why she doesnt like me. I am so self conscious.
And i am crying while i write this because I know noone can make it better, and noone will give me a cure. Noone will make me feel loved and even me posting this wont change it.
I cant even watch scenes on TV about mothers and children without bawling my eyes out.

Sorry for the long post, guess i needed to get it out.

Any kind words would be appreciated, thanks in advance xx

Oh, I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain in your life. It sounds like you could really use a lot of love and support right now, and I'm sending hugs your way! Also, as the others mentioned, it's really so important to find some counseling or a support group if you haven't done it already. It really can make a huge difference. Lastly, as far as some of your struggles in working through your abortion, you might want to contact a local Crisis Pregnancy Center. They can often hook you up a with a support group that might help you find some healing. There's also a site I've come across called Optionline.org that has a lot of info on this topic that might be helpful to you. Just FYI. Well, know that I'm praying for you friend. Don't give up hope!