Posted 4/13/2013 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,
The first time I posted here was six months ago with the similar heading. Unfortunately I still feel the same way. In some ways worse.
I've been dealing with a massive amount of stress lately. I realized that I was grinding my teeth at night in December. And the main cause of that, everyone says, is stress. And of course the fact that it's developed adds more stress. I've also realized that I've put on some weight because some of my clothes aren't fitting the same. And I think most of the weight is mostly in my lower abdominal region. I personally think this is because of stress because I work out regularly and eat fairly healthy. And again, the weight gain adds even more stress especially since weight/eating has been a struggle for me for over the past 7 years.
Something new that's going on in my life right now is well I am a junior in college and am planning to apply to grad school in the fall. So grades and making sure I am keeping up to par with the criteria of my top grad school choices is adding a lot of pressure...especially since what I am trying to go for is extremely competitive.
I also just feel like I am very alone in life. Like I do have friends that I can go out to lunch with and hang out with after classes. But very rarely do I do anything over the weekends. And also these friends are just people I socialize with. I don't really have that support system. My parents love me unconditionally I know that, but they were raised in a complete different time and culture than I am growing up and it is very difficult for them to relate to me. I've just given up on them trying to understand me because they just never can, even though I've tried talking to them. They do a lot for me, but I don't have that emotional support from them. But since they bless me with so much, I do whatever I can (I don't do certain things) just to keep them happy even if it means sacrificing my own wants.
A have a few close friends back home. But they really don't do a good job at keeping in touch with me. They really just expect me to make the effort. I'll text or message them...only half the time if that I will get a response. And then of course after I send them a message, I'll see them active on social networking sites, which bugs me. Because if you have time to do that, I don't understand why you can't respond to a good friend...especially if it's a genuine message with substance.
Dating wise...I've been talking and seeing this guy who's family is very close to my family friend and I have known my entire life. It's long distance at the moment since I am in school and he is in a city working. But I've visited him or we'll meet half way in our hometown. It's only been going on for a few months, but it's still so hard to tell where this is going, if it's going anywhere at all. And this adds stress too because I've had feelings for him for a very long time, and I feel so lucky that at least something is happening and potentially starting between me and him now. But that uncertainty stresses me out. I don't know if it's a gut feeling or if I am over-thinking the situation. It's just guys in the past have always used me and I just feel so worthless.
Even with strangers I do nice gestures, which I honestly think is so hard to find people do them nowadays. I'm really polite with strangers in public, with teachers, with fellow classmates. A lot of my classmates are just downright rude. Whenever a classmate sends out a group message asking for help on an assignment or for notes, I am the first one to give them a response, and that too a really good one. But I rarely get appreciation for it. And if I ever post out a question...no response from anyone at all. And it sounds kind of silly, but I just feel that it's so reflective of my personal social life that people around me just use me for what they want and need and then forget about me. And when I am need someone...there's no one. And most of the time it's not even like I need someone to complain about my problems too, it's just that I need someone to keep me company.
And basically words to describe how I feel are unimportant, forgotten, unworthy, lonely, and loved. I want to feel important, remembered, worthy, loved, and appreciated. But I just feel like there is nothing. And I hate to say this but it is true...I think about death all the time, multiple times throughout the day everyday. I don't think I am necessarily suicidal but I do think "what if...i did this...or what if...this happened to me". I wouldn't ever do that though, because I have a younger brother and I know it would ruin him, so I can't do that. But sometimes I feel like the life has been sucked out of me and I am just so drained...what is the point anymore?
If I am really that beautiful of a person inside and out, why am I not taken seriously? Why am I not respected? Everyone says I deserve better, but why isn't anyone willing to give it...friends, guys, relatives, etc.
I have been on medication before about four to five years ago, however I've become a little iffy about meds due to side effects. I know that is probably what I need. But at the same time, it won't change the situations I am in.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and provide any sort of response. Anything would be appreciated whether it be advice, support, understanding, anything.