Julee

I'll just start by saying that I'm new to this site.  I'm certainly by no means new to depression.  Like most who are here; I have been dealing with depression off and on for the last 15 or so.  I've hit rock bottom again in the last week and I've decided enough I"m sick of being sick.  I have called a counselor but again a set back she can't see me until a week from thrusday and I"m thinking but I need to see you now.  I guess I should look forward to it.  I"m going to be serious about this help.  I need it.  I've been taking zoloft for a couple of years now.  Certainly not on a regular basis at any means.  I take it for a while and think man I feel fine and start thinking how much I hate taking medicine every day and I quit taking it.  I feel like I can do it on my own.  Apparently I can't. 

So much has been going on in the last five years I don't even know where to start.  I'll just say this much I want to enjoy life again.  Not only that but I want to enjoy me again.  I want to find a hobby that makes me happy.  Right now all I feel like doing is hiding out at home and under the covers zoning out on tv.  I missed work again yesterday.  I'm probably going to tell my supervisor eventually what's going on, but personally some things I just feel are to personal for them to know.  I have noticed my depression affecting a great deal of my work.  I can't focus on anything or concentrate all I do is pittle and watch the clock and wait until I can go home and just zone out.  I fidget a lot at work.  I can't seem to sit still even when I sit i'm bouncing my foot or dangling my sandle on my toes anything to keep moving. I'm even like that at home.  I"m constantly moving around. Unless I'm just totally down in the dumps then I curl up in the recliner and veg.  I have no motivation any more.  I don't want to rammble. 

I can't wait to go see my counselor.  I'm scared though of finding out what's really wrong with me.  I mean the last time this happened that I can clearly remember being this sad was around my late teen's early 20's it was so bad I attempted suicide and trufully I've been having thoughts of dying in the last few days thinking that would make everything better, at least I wouldn't be hurting any more.  Then I think I can't do that.  I don't want to hurt my husband and family that way.  Then the cycle starts, geez your pathetic you wouldn't even be able to kill yourself right. 

I tell you I'm a mess. I sit here thinking god i have to go through another day of work tomorrow.  It was such a chore just to make it here today from showering, dressing, thank goodness I car pooled with someone.  I'm just in a zombie state of mind now kind of numb really not really thinking or feeling anything.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on my progress.  I just want happiness back in my life and all the love people give me and all the compliments they might give me I just smile and say yea whatever or I question why.  I want to accept those compliments and say yes I do deserve this.  That it's ok to be happy and healthy and ask for help that I don't have to be super woman and take it all on.  Although I think my depression is way beyond being superwoman.

laters...

Rosie

That was a very good idea.  I too express myself better in writing than I do when I try to express my thoughts.  It's like they get lost from my head as they come out of my mouth.  I'm going to do the journal idea.  I've been keeping  journal for some time now and that's what made me realize it was really seriously time for some help.  Every entry even from a year ago was started out with; I'm tired or I'm lonely or Im bored and I thought ok I was feeling these things a year ago no wonder I'm falling apart and exhausted these days.  I've been carrying all that around for a long time.

By the way my name is Julie.  Nice to meet you.

     Wow, your story sounds just like 80% of everyone elses, especially when we first join a new group. We all have different issues but all depressing. Life's not fair sometimes. At times it would be easier to disappear than to go through the motions. NO....you're life can be changed just from taking the first step in which you just did. We have all been where you are now and we can't go it alone. We need others that are in the same boat to understand and sympathize. Some of us have lost loved one's, some are ill, some can't get along in their marriage, some have problems with their children, some have problems with husbands doing things they shouldn't be doing. In any event, we know.

I really get into this because I don't work so I am able to come on and off line whenever I want to. Some or most of the other members have to work, sad to say I wish they wouldn't so I could catch them on line and chat. Kids, ballgames, you name it, they got it. My daughters are grown, married with kids of their own. It's just me and my "DH" and my 2 dogs. That's it. I spend a lot of time alone as my husband goes out of town a lot for his job and travels. Long as I got my 2 babies, I'm OK. I remember the days of kids in the house and being depressed and waiting for the day that they would GET OUT!!! When they did, I missed them. GGEEEZZZZ does anything make me happy, my husband asks?

I am no knowledgeable more than any other member on this board but like I said, I am on a lot. My advice is to go back and read the posts and see what the members are dealing with and the advice they get from one another. It really helps put things into perspective plus you can see the way they post and the format. It makes it easier. No one ever told us life was fair. We didn't know that until we were aware of the things around us. Life's just hard, but the hard makes it better to succeed cause when you do, it's a milestone. One thing you will need to learn. We have all had thoughts of passing and how it would be better, however, you do not own your life to take, none of us do. The Lord own's our lives and He say's when we stay and when we go. You'll go when it's your time. We'll all go when He says it's time. If we could all pick a day to die, the funeral homes and cemetery's would be packed every day. You along with us have been put on this earth to do a service to the Lord and we have got to learn that we can do what we put our mind to do. That doesn;t mean we will be perfect and not be depressed. Depression comes in very different shapes and sizes. Just know that we all here will be there if you need us, and again, read the posts. They will give you hope.

"Lefty"