I feel so hopeless (A rant)

I have struggled with depression all of my life. I remember when I first started feeling depressed, around the age of 4 or 5. I would cry for hours for no reason. Environmental factors also made my depression worse as I grew up in impoverished conditions and felt mistreated and looked down on by others including my extended family members. I am timid and shy. My mother also suffered from low self-esteem and severe depression as she was the victim of incest and physical/emotional abuse from her parents and siblings. She died in 2007 of a broken heart (legal cause: heart failure). I am not over her death and I think that I am becoming her when she was at her worst: severely depressed. How do I stop the cycle? Her enemies and naysayers have become my enemies and naysayers. All of the disdain they had for her has come to me. I don't understand why I am so hated?

These extended family members are constantly asking my father and me (when I run into them) "Am I working? How much money do I make?" None came to the college graduation despite being invited and no one calls me to wish me happy birthday, happy holidays and when I was in the hospital, no one came to visit me. I don't get it. My father told them that I was out of work and it has only encouraged them to think that I am a failure. I think that my father is also telling them of my struggle with depression which makes them look down on me even more. I know for a fact that he told one of his ex-girlfriends, because she spread nasty rumors about my illness at my last workplace where we both worked. I was tired of the workplace bullying and the stares, I quit. I was offered another job anyway as a hospital housekeeper, but I was so taken aback by the unsanitary conditions, I quit. I lived more than 60 miles away from this position (I lived in a very rural town with no jobs and all jobs required extended travel to others areas), and I called in sick for two days in a roll after my brother had back to back seizures. As a result, I was threatened with termination if I were to come in even a minute late. Knowing that I lived 60 miles away, I knew there would be a time I would be late, so I quit. My brother repeatedly calls me a ***** and punches me when he gets angry with me. That's the thanks I get. My father also calls me a ***** and a dumb ***** if I don't do something right. I am not exaggerating. How did I get family members who are so cruel and heartless? My father has told me to my face that I am a failure because I don't have a job. I am not going to lie, it really made me consider ending my life. The betrayal in my life is so unbearable, I don't understand why I couldn't have a loving supportive family and friends like others have. I don't know how to deal with this negativity which I have done nothing to ask for. Sometimes I want to give up.

At age 27, I am a wreck. I am college educated but I can't find a job because I have no experience, no driver's license (never had the extra funds to pay for the driving lessons) and I have a poor work history. I have serious gaps in my employment history. I graduated with a BA in 2009. I've only been able to get low-paying menial jobs (I can't even get a office job) and when the hours get cut due to slow business, I get in trouble with the rent. Everything is so high here that I can't catch up on everything. I've become discouraged and I am no longer looking for a job but going back to school for a Master's degree in IT and I am living on student stipends. Thankfully, the student stipends have allowed me to pay for the bare essentials (like rent and utilities), but I know that this will end sooner than later as I am almost halfway to finishing my degree. I've applied to over 100 positions that just ask for a BA (with no experience), entry level positions up my alley, but I have gotten nothing. I've been homeless on and off for the past 3 years as a result, and I have had some really bad experiences (about the way family and strangers have treated me) to the point where I am having flashbacks constantly about my time on the streets. It's driving me crazy and I can't cope anymore. I've turned to food and I've gained a good 100 lbs. Food is the only thing that gives me joy.

How do you continue living when everything seems so hopeless? When you feel so unloved? When I was on anti=depressants, my mood and energy were a little better, but cruel reality brought me back down. If I were to go missing, I don't think anyone would notice besides my brother who depends on me for watch him. In my dreams, I just want to run away from everybody and never be heard of again. I don't even want a funeral when I die as I have no one who loves me. I want to be with my mother. I think I am going to die of a broken heart.

Post Edited (Sad Face Me) : 4/26/2013 8:37:00 AM (GMT-6)

Thank you, Keep Moving Forward. I really need the support.

Keep Moving Forward, thank you so much for your well-written reply. My life is such a mess, I don't know what I need to do first. Sometimes I think I am too hopeless and I should just hide in a hole somewhere and wait to die. This is the lowest point in my life, and the only thing lower is death and I am not afraid to die. I don't want to kill myself, but if for some reason, something where to happen to me, I wouldn't try to change destiny. If I were to go missing and someone buried me in a shallow grave, that would be okay with me. That's how I feel right now. While at times I don't feel like I have much to live for, somewhere in my heart I feel that things might change for me. Some days are better than others, and this is a very bad day. I've been beat down so many times, sometimes it's just hard to be positive. I pray, I seek help, and nothing ever comes of it.

The person I thought I could trust with my battle with depression was my surviving parent since I have been on medication since I was in middle school for it. That betrayal really hurt me. I've thought about cutting him out of my life and not even going to his funeral if he were to die before me. I've already cut off both sides of my extended family by simply not speaking to them and deleting my facebook account. My mother's extended family sickens me to the core, the way they manipulated and abused her, and I honestly think that if given the chance, they would try to manipulate me too. I feel at peace without them, but I think about them alot, and I feel lonely. I wish I had someone that truly loved and care for me.

Anyway, thank you again.