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Posted 5/12/2013 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hello...

I have recently been diagnosed with major depression... Thinking back I feel it has started several years ago, I occasionally felt intense sadness or I would avoid meeting people because I didn't feel natural, every form of communication felt like an effort...

Eventually I began to be very emotional. I had a lot to cope with, I was in a foreign country with no help from my parents, trying to support myself financially as well as finish my degree, working long hours serving others and having not time to stop. I was hiding my fears and sadness because I was scared to admit that I am not as strong as people think or as I would have hoped... I was always very proud of my siblings, they were my best friends. But lately I have had big fight with my sister and we haven't spoken for months now. I can't recall us ever fighting, never mind to such extent! She fell in love but her relationship soon crashed. I also fell in love and unlike her, I am getting married... I cannot help but think that she is very jealous of me. Not only because she is always alone and complaining that nobody gives her enough worth and attention, but also because I was always available for her. We have helped each other. But she believes she has helped me more in her life and that now I am being selfish, leaving her behind because I have found someone else to use. I can't believe she even began spreading this around my family... I live abroad and cannot defend myself, especially now that I have finally asked for medical treatment... It has been building up for years but my sister is too harsh to understand this. She thinks it is an excuse to cover up my hysterical behaviour and selfishness...

I am hidden away with my man. I think that right now he understands me the most... Am I selfish..? I feel guilty for isolating myself but I feel like it is necessary for me to recover, to protect myself... I have experienced moments of enormous grief and pain, some days I stay in bed, I can hardly manage to go to the bathroom. I have lost 20 kgs in total and I am on special nutritious support. I feel very confused and lonely, like if there was two people inside me. One wants to be strong and happy and one is guilty, sad, scared, isolated... I also get very angry sometimes, it is like as if I could no longer manage my emotions. Occasionally I explode in anger and afterwards feel guilty and scared that I am slowly ruining all my relationships... I am ashamed to say that I have also hit my partner twice... He is learning about depression with me and he tries not to take anything personally. I got a bit better with the medication I am taking, I have less of the explosive moments, but sometimes to the point of numbness... I have always loved my sister and my family and friends, now I often feel like they are strangers, like as if I have lost my feelings... I only feel guilt and sadness because people judge me for how I am. I feel like my life is falling apart and I can't stop it... I once felt in control but now... I followed my man to a different continent, I have no friends or family here, no job, don't speak the language... And my sister is spreading lies about me back home... It is very frustrating... Very very frustrating...

Post Edited (JARA Cimrman) : 5/13/2013 12:04:27 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/12/2013 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Jara,

welcome to the depression forum. we can not speak out suicide here so I can not comment on that.

However, as for hiding away from the family I do think it is appropriate to disconnect from toxic relationships while you work on yourself and get better.

Do not worry so much about the lies people may or may not be spreading about you. That falls under the uncontrollable details in life. You can not change it.

Stay in communication with your doctor, go to therapy if you can. stay on the medication the doc ordered for you. This is all very important.

You will be feeling better soon. keep posting here we support and listen the best we can.

Peace
Trina
Posted 5/13/2013 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Jara,

What you are doing right now for your career is very important. It needs your full attention. I agree with Trina, you cannot control what your family is doing back home. So work on you, your career and your mental health. It sounds like you have some anger issues. But you can work through them. Try not to get physically violent. We can very well do something that we are going to regret. Your anger needs to be addressed before you get to that point. Your therapist will work on that with you. Even anger management helps.

What you are doing is very brave. To study in a different country than you live in takes guts. We are all very proud of you. And it sounds like you have a good man in your life. You have a lot to be thankful for. You have a lot on your plate now too. I suggest taking it one day at a time. Keep moving forward, you are doing a good job. Give yourself a pat on the back once in awhile.

I hope that you have a good night. Take care and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/13/2013 12:47 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for comments, it is very encouraging and supportive to see that somebody can relate...

It is true Trina that I cannot control what is happening back home, I agree. It may seem very obvious but I was so overwhelmed with sadness of it all that I didn't realize this. I am glad you pointed it out.

Carl very much so, it is very isolating and lonely to live abroad. I have gone through it once when I moved from my home country to another country in Europe to study and live different life, now I moved to South America. It is a completely different world. Yet again I am an outsider, not understanding when everybody is laughing, not having any history with anyone, I often stay alone... British sitcom Miranda and american Friends are my only company... I don't regret moving out here but at this stage of my life it is hard. It can take a lot of you to adapt, I have been living independently abroad for 7 or 8 years now... I am 26, feel like 60 and I am not sure which place I should call my home anymore...

Karen that is very true, my man is exceptional... He is very aware of the symptoms of depression, I am grateful to him because my temper is something I am desperately trying to manage. I grew up with very angry and violent father. I recognize the bad behaviour and coping mechanisms I have learned as a child and my partner helps me a lot to change. He never rises his voice, noone from his family does. They never argue or fight so that makes me an alien even more. I also have to deal with my partners ex, he is divorced and has a daughter from previous marriage. His ex is very angry that he moved on and hates us both although I have never actually met her or the child. My partners child is a major stressor. I know it is only a child but to me she represents a bridge between his past and present, between our relationship and the hatred of his ex and her family that he has to keep in contact with. Obviously, he expects me to accept her but right now I find it impossible. I want to keep away from them all, including the child. Fortunately he is giving me time to settle first.

I am tired of my life just by writing about it...! It has always been hectic, I am usually very active... It is not a surprise that at some point it had to get too much.

Post Edited (JARA Cimrman) : 5/12/2013 11:54:50 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/13/2013 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
I think you will find you can learn to adapt. By taking everything only as it comes. It took me years. I still have issues with it, but it makes life much easier to handle and eventually you learn to go with the flow.

I hope in time you don't see his daughter as a bridge between the past and the present. I hope some day you can meet her and develop a relationship. That would be fantastic. She could become a part of the present for you.

You can keep an active life without it becoming stressful. Though I am not the one to explain that to you because I have a hard time doing that. I have a rather slow paced life because that is all I can handle, though I find in stressful situations (such as a crisis)I can function. But it has to be a situation where I know I am doing the best that I can. And nothing more is expected. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I am sorry that the ex hates you. I hope that she really doesn't. But it sounds like she might be jealous of you. Jealous people are hard to deal with. I hope that you don't have to come in contact with her, but eventually you might as she is a part of his life because of their daughter. Like I say, it would be awesome if you two could have a relationship. It might be good for both of you.

Keep posting. Things are going to work out. Take care of you. Keep your mind occupied with constructive things. But make time for relaxation.

Have a good night...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/13/2013 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
You know Karen, I think there is something very good about slow paced life, stability and some sense of routine. Sometimes it is better then jumping from place to place and eventually collapsing, like happened to me. I have some very valuable experiences, true, but some very heavy ones too and now I cannot cope with even the smallest issues such as not having my cat with me! Pathetic... It makes perfect sense what you are saying and it is very good attitude to do what you can manage and congratulate yourself at the end like you say. As opposed to being tough with yourself or setting expectations too high.

Yes, adapting takes a while... And it might take even longer when you are learning to live with depression at the same time, recognizing what is true and what is not, which emotion is good for you and which one will set you off... I am not very good at that, I get hopeless and consumed with sadness and guilt. It is not nice..

She hates us both indeed, she is well aware of us being very happy together, which she can't stand. She also knows that I get on very well with my partners parents, unlike herself when she was with him. To me it seems like she doesn't like anybody actually, but that is of course only my subjective impression. And I am not very fond of her either, to be honest. She prevents my partner from seeing the girl to make him suffer, he gets all upset, I get upset too that she has such influence on him and I hate that there is forever link between them that we will never get rid of, he wants my support but I can't do it and get depressed... It's like a circle.

I do love my partner, I wish I was of bigger support to him.. I feel useless.

But thank you for your support Karen, it is very kind of you. Good night to you too.

Post Edited (JARA Cimrman) : 5/12/2013 11:57:29 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/13/2013 10:57 AM (GMT 0)
Jara,

try not to blame the child for the parents mistakes, anger and jealousy towards you.
Keep an open mind and greet the child as a new person in your life, as a new individual.

Because that is who she, her own little person. She may even turn out to like you when you are just being you, yourself. I am sure that is what your husband is hoping for.

In turn you may like her also, remember she will be scared deep down and will most likely show anger or rudeness to cover the hurt and scared she feels. For she is only a child. Be patient.

Ask her what she likes, get her talking about herself, adults do not do this with children. Perhaps call and talk to her before the first meeting and tell her you are looking forward to seeing her and what would she like to do?

I wish you Peace.
Trina
Posted 5/13/2013 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
Trina,

I really hear what you say. But I will be very honest, in my heart I genuinely struggle. It is sad but I cannot do what you suggest. I have tried. I drowned myself in books guiding stepmothers how to accept their partners child, however with not much success.

I avoid her still and I avoid even the books now. I hardly manage to look at the picture of my partner holding her, thats how strong this resistance feels. Only talking about her now makes me shake all over because I don't usually do. And she is only 2 years old.

I think part of the problem lies with the fact that several times I was forced to swallow a hard pill. My partner attended her birth when he was not with his ex anymore. I almost went insane. He spoke about how amazing feeling it is to create a life and hold it in your arms and yes, he did not mean OUR child. He then bombarded me with photos and information and expectations and I was dying inside but I was there for him. When I began to be depressed he realized how hard this actually was for me. One day I broke down and since then he doesn't even mention them to me, neither does anybody in his family.

I might be unreasonable but I have to say that sitting at home alone terrified while your partners ex is in labour and your partner is holding her hand is not a nice feeling.
Posted 5/13/2013 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Carl,

you actually made me smile, in the best way. I like my sitcoms, what's wrong with those??? lol I really consider Miranda my friend... !

Okay, I think you have made valid points here. I am certainly not somebody who usually chooses an ordinary, usual way... That is true. And when the complications come, I fight with them. I don't turn away from obstacles, when I identify something that is in the way or makes me uneasy, I tend to face it.

Having said that, I am not a career-driven ice queen. I see people, hear people, experience little beautiful things throughout the day... The cat purring, the colours of my knitting wool, the blue sky here, the sunflower I planted outside... I go and buy herbs and talk to random people, repeat words when others speak and look them up later... It can be fun here and I usually don't mind my own company. I see this as an opportunity to finally let my creative side speak and get into fashion design or interior design or something artistic... Other people do it, why couldn't I? My partner is very supportive of this. We have problems like everybody, it is not an every day fairy tale, but we genuinely care about each other and so coming here was just another challenge for me, he is worth it. I have done this before, I was sure I can do it again. English, for instance, is not my first language. I have learned English, I can learn another language too, its only a matter of time...

But somehow, slowly, I grew tired. Talking to people became mechanical rather then natural, I began to push myself to function. I started having these low mood episodes more and more frequently. It drains my energy, I withdrew from people. I began to be much less tolerant of them influencing my life... Before I would put myself aside to provide others with what they needed... Now I resist everything that is beyond my capabilities, like my partners child. The same story with my sister, she is shocked that I am not rushing to make things right because that is what I always did. But now I can't... I don't want to anymore.

Like you say, how am I going to do everything I know I can when I am depressed and my mind wonders in the darkness most of the time... I have changed a lot over the last few months, things get to me more... It scares me, I wonder if I will ever get better... My partner says it is because I never took time to realize how wounded I was and finally now, away from everybody, I am uncovering the patches and going through a healing process. I think he is right. But I get frustrated with it because it is all very new and painful...

Post Edited (JARA Cimrman) : 5/13/2013 9:39:20 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/13/2013 6:07 PM (GMT 0)
She says hello too! I find cats exceptional, they communicate so well. I have long conversations with my cat, so many times she picked up on my sadness, it's quite amazing. She sleeps on my side of the bed, under the duvet like a baby. Only a mother can love her this much! I adore every little thing she does, every move, like when she shakes the water off her tiny paws... Or when she sees something interesting and her eyes get twice bigger...

I feel pets, cats in particular, are something that really works for me. It is so true! The more depressed you are, the more depressed you become. I absolutely agree. Pets are something that helps me to get my mind off myself and focus on something pleasant. I find them soothing and relaxing, you give them attention but they don't suck your energy, they are just there, faithful, filling you up with love...

I can get a bit carried away lol, but really, pets lift my mood.

Did you find the medication helpful? I also did... I think it helps with the mood swings, it makes you more stable. Everybody is different thou... Some people have long periods of sadness and hopelessness and then come out, some people just feel dull all the time...

I find it comes in episodes, like sudden grief over a small thing or only an idea! But so intense I stay in bed for days... And then I feel stupid and guilty for worrying others so I try to get stronger or cover it up at least... It really is an evil cycle. I used to believe that depression is something you can control with your will-power. But it really is not. I have never been so all over the place with my emotions. But it is like you say, recognizing the loop is a first step to managing it better. The step one. The step zero is to admit you have a problem and seek help..

These days I often feel like giving up. That is what everything inside me instructs me to do. To believe that I am too tired, letting people down, that I am a burden... The solution is not to stop fighting all together but to fight bit by bit. But it is hard, sometimes you just don't want to continue because the life feels like a constant battle.

Fashion design is something I always wanted to try. I'm not sure how to go about it either, but I guess taking a sewing class to improve the basic skills would be a good start... produce some items and find a website to sell them, observe what style is preferred the most, look up some events related to fashion in the local area... That might be a good opportunity to socialize! If only I could open that door and get out.
Posted 5/14/2013 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
I just want to touch base on the child again. Not to be a downer or anything. But if you have the opportunity to spend some time with her, please do with an open mind. Knowing she is an innocent individual. Do not avoid her if you don't have to. Kids pick up on stuff and she might think you don't like her or something. I went through something similar and it really messed me up. I was the child in the situation. I just think that there could be an chance you and her might even have a good relationship. I don't want you to miss out on that.

I didn't have any kids. But I had the opportunity to be around my granddaughter through marriage. It was so awesome. I will always remember how it felt to me.

You mentioned the feelings you had when she was born.  I think the reason your partner was there was mainly for the baby.  You do realize that they are going to be a part of his life for the next (at least) 18 years.  Can you handle that?  For your sake, and your sanity, I would work through this in counseling.  This doesn't have to be a bad thing, you could get a lot of love from that little girl...  I hope you do...

Anyhow, that is just my two cents worth. Like I say, keep an open mind to it. I wish you a good night.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 5/14/2013 12:08 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Carl! I really appreciate your help and encouragement,

I am happy to help. Talking to somebody who is not judgemental and can relate to how draining depression is is very good. I don't talk about my feelings to anybody except for my counsellor and my partner. People see something is up but I don't open up about it, I tend to hide it... Especially when I feel they either judge or say things like 'just focus on the good and be jolly! you have this and this and this...' well meant advice but not all that helpful, nor applicable....
Oh bless your cat! The works must be driving him insane! It would drive me insane I'm sure, I would hold his paw in the basement with some ear plugs in my ears! My partners cat was upset too thou, he wanted my attention around 6am and I dared to sleep. How very very inconsiderate of me! lol


Karen...
Thank you for your post. Don't worry, you are not a downer. Perhaps somewhere deep down I would like to achieve what you are suggesting one day... I can see your point. Especially if you have been through similar scenario and you were on the other side. I think an ongoing therapy will be a way forward for me because I love my man.
People often say that they don't understand why somebody would marry somebody else if they had issues with their kids. Well that is like me saying I don't know why my partner married me if he knew I have issues with his kids. It's the same thing. We are both package! I fell in love with him, not his past... I hope I will learn how to accept this because of him, along with many other things here. He knows that he doesn't have a half of the things to face that I do, my past is harmless in that sense.

I can't really put my finger on what is wrong exactly... If I could I would find it much easier to address the problem but this way... It just wears me down. None of this is the child's fault but right from the start everybody was pushing me to like her, to accept her. I felt extremely pressured and I think it is the main reason why I am treated today, why I fell in this dark pit. I have many issues, true, but I am not a quitter, I face my problems.
However, this serious relationship with a child on top is something I have never had to deal with before, it completely drained me. I never had a chance to find my own, natural way to this girl, in my own time. Everybody was so demanding that they never realized that I was closer and closer to the edge... And now I resist everybody and everything that has anything to do with the hell I went through.

Post Edited (JARA Cimrman) : 5/14/2013 6:11:58 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/14/2013 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
Do things in your own time. I am sure this will work out. You are a good person. That is what matters.

I wish you the best...

Huggles...
Posted 5/14/2013 10:58 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Karen :)

Carl!

Thank you too, yes, I hope that my post reaches the right ears. And posts of the others. People come here in need of help, being able to relate makes one appreciate some of the hard things in life.
Now I speak like as if 'I have lived my life already' lol But I do mean it!
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