couple fighting against depression - please help

hello,

we are a young couple. when we met we had many difficulties and it seemed impossible to be together. yet, we both changed everything in our lives and eventually we became a couple. we want to marry in a few months.

however, despite the fact that we have the joy of belonging to each other, new obstacles seem to appear. with all the changes came also the stress of having to adapt, having a new relationship, we also have to face the judgement of people around us. we are both getting increasingly frustrated with the fact that no matter how hard we try we end up fighting.

and i mean really fighting. yesterday i felt very down, i suffer from depression and i take medication for it. my partner actually takes the same medication to help him to cope too. i have certain episodes where i get very hopeless and frustrated and everything inside my head tells me that i am unwanted and unimportant. My partner tries to talk me out of it but he can be very rational and makes things worse. I, on the other hand, am too sensitive and we end up fighting. and yesterday we fought so hard that i attacked him (i have attacked him previously too). i get so helpless and frustrated that violation is the only way i can release it. of course, he doesnt like it and response very negatively, although then he tries to understand that i am ill and that it is not the real me, that it is a symptom of depression. i feel very lonely and it drives me insane when he withdraws and stays quiet. yesterday the same scenario happened, i felt very depressed whole day, very lonely and overwhelmed with sadness inside, we started talking and i blamed him for leaving me alone, ignoring me, avoiding me, not trying hard enough to help me... eventually i got so desperate i fought with him and then ran out of the room. i was so helples i ate some **********. he tried to get the ***** from me but i just wanted the end to the pain i felt. i had no energy left to explain or fight.
his response was very hard. he held my wrist very tight, he spoke very harshly to me saying that we are over, that he wants me to pack my stuff and leave. i was crying uncontrollably, shaking all over my body. i couldnt stand up so he dragged me to the room and started throwing my things out of the wardrobe. i have never seen him so violent in my life. he is very gentle, sweet man. he loves me very much. it was very hard for me to see that when i was at the end of myself he would push me even lower. i cried and tried to explain to him that i am ill, that i need help, that we both need help... i hoped he would remember who i am, who i was before i got ill, whom he fell in love with.

it is very difficult situation. he has many things to take care of, he has never had to deal with a depressed person before, he tries very hard to do what he thinks would help best. he makes mistakes which slow my recovery, but i believe we can overcome this. i feel like there are two people inside me, me and some ill me that gets to control my body sometimes. it ruins everything i care about and leaves again and i am only left with painful consequences... i have suffered this before time to time, but now it hit me very hard.

my partner is a very good hard working man, he tries his best to give to me all he has. and i want to be able to do the same... but we are running out of ideas. we love each other but sometimes it just seems not enough to see us through. he looses his control, i loose mine, we harm each other... this is nothing like the life we dreamed about. we have passed through some very difficult decisions to be with each other, we tried to support one another but now we are both too tired to be happy jolly and our usual self... i am not sure what we could do to improve our situation, we are taking medicines, we are considering finding a therapist that would teach us how to understand what is happening.
we have recognized that at certain point the process starts and it is very difficult for me to stop it or for my partner to talk me out of it. i begin to feel useless, lonely, frustrated, very sad... nothing he says can help. in fact - whatever he says seems to make me feel worse. and when he stays quiet, that almost always triggers an attack. when i feel that he ignores me, i attack him. its insane. he doesn't know anymore what to do, he is becoming depressed too. he also thinks i might suffer from another mental illness too.

how can we stop the process soon enough before it escalates to uncontrollable levels? how can we go back to the healthy happy us we once were? we love each other very much.

I removed a couple of words from your post.  They could of become triggering to some of the members.  Please read forum rules when you get a chance.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 5/19/2013 4:19:49 PM (GMT-6)

Hey YellowSunFlower!

A lot of what you've said speaks to me and reminds me of things I've felt and experiences that I've had. I'm also new to the forum but not new to the torment of what I "think" is depression. Two things stood out to me.

1) "however, despite the fact that we have the joy of belonging to each other, new obstacles seem to appear. with all the changes came also the stress of having to adapt, having a new relationship, we also have to face the judgement of people around us. we are both getting increasingly frustrated with the fact that no matter how hard we try we end up fighting. "

Personally, I've had troubled relationships over the years. After trying to get help from counseling, antidepressant medications and, most recently, psychiatrists, I think I'm finally getting a clue. These obstacles and stress you describe are the "stuff of life". These things are not always avoidable. So it's our "coping mechanisms" that need some adjustment.

Here's my new theory... People have different strengths and weaknesses. It's easier for us to see and embrace the "talents" of others but harder for us to deal with some of the weaknesses that we can't understand or explain. Consider this, you and I may just have weak coping mechanisms. I am a very smart, hard-working, generous and caring person. I just don't deal well with immense stress and, as a "people person" trying to please everyone, I'm confused by the varied statements of judgment and "suggestions" provided by those around me with the best of intentions. Trying to deal with everyone else's suggestions or opinions just makes my life harder somehow.

The second thing that struck me is the "violence" thing. In trying to find some kind of medication that will help with the depression, I hit a few that made me feel "homicidal". I wish I could say with certainty which medication did this. Unfortunately, I thought it would be documented in my medical records but somehow it wasn't. It never dawned on me, that I could experience these kind of symptoms on a medication. It started when I started the pills but stopped when I got off of them.

As you move forward in your quest to find some peace, you might want to research this forum and other documentation about the side-effects of what you're taking. And, as I've learned, beware that some of the side-effects of both taking and coming off the medication can be absolutely "brutal".

I obviously don't know everything. I'm on this forum myself, right? Try to breathe deep, be good to yourself, accept who you are (and who your partner is) and go from there. Try to keep in mind the simple phrase you hear all the time, "This too shall pass."

Wishing you peace, tranquility and joy.

H

You know, it always helps to know you're not the only one suffering and that the doctors don't always have all the answers or get it right on the first time around. The one thing I would add is that, though we need the doctors, we need to be advocates for our own health too. "Because I said so" isn't really a valid answer from our parents, let alone our doctors. If you're not fully aware of the potential side-effects, use caution and ask questions before taking the first pill. At least then, you'll know what you're in for and can make an informed decision as to whether you're willing to accept the consequences of that particular pill.

I hate to say this but I think the meds that caused my scary thoughts were Prozac. Each one of them have issues... Take a look. Do some research.

H