None of it matters

My husband came home early from work to tell me he thinks we need to get divorced. I feel like I'm falling. I don't see any purpose for anything. I love him enough to give him what he wants but I'm afraid it will be the end of me. I can't see any hope left and I don't see any point to anything.

AV, I am so sorry to hear that; divorce is an extremely challenging and stressful process, but it will absolutely not be the end of you. I find that, in the hardest of times, I have to remind myself that my darkest feelings are still simply feelings, and are not the sum of reality (even though they can sometimes feel like that). Allow yourself time to nurture yourself, remind yourself mentally every day that hard times pass and good times will come again, and that grieving in this process is in fact the path out of the darkness. Don't give yourself any less time and care to heal from this emotional wound than you would give to heal from a major physical injury, and don't feel any more ashamed or embarrassed to seek support for such pain than you would in the case of a physical injury.

My parents went through a very violent and troubled divorce when I was still a child/pre-teen, and I am certain that, had my parents taken better care of themselves emotionally during the process, it would have been a lot less painful for me. I have no doubt you will make the process easier on your kids if you consciously make the effort to care for yourself and your own wounds. Only then can you truly be there for your children in a nurturing way. Like in those airline safety videos, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first so that you are able to help your children with theirs.

I wish I could make it easier, but in fact you are the one who has the most power over your own healing and coping. You will get through this either way, but don't ever forget you have the strength to cope and heal and recover, and you deserve the opportunity to do so. Please let me know that you are coping, and my heart goes out to you in this difficult time. We are rooting for you.

AV,

I am so sorry to hear this. This must seem devastating to you right now. But you will get through it, we will help you and be here for you too. Keep that in mind.

I think you have gotten some good advice. I like what was said about you being your children's lifeline right now. I think taking care of yourself first will help you to take care of them. Hang in there sweetie.

Remember we are here for you!!!

Hugs, Karen...

Growing up, my mom was married and divorced 6 times. I have been trying hard to not put my kids through that emotional upheaval. My husband isn't a bad person. He has problems but so does everyone. My issues are the contributing factor and that's hard. I have lied to him about issues with my ex. He gets upset easily about custody issues so to protect myself from his anger I have lied to make the custody things easier on him. I know it was wrong and I won't make any excuses. I just don't cope we'll with anger due to my past.

We talked last night. He's considering trying to work through this but I'm not holding out much hope. He's very concerned with how I handle this and I keep telling him that divorce means I'm not his problem. It makes it harder for me give up hope if he keeps trying to my well being a priority.

I know it's up to me to guide the kids through this. Right now I'm at a loss. They love their step dad. I'm not sure how to explain it all to them. I've always tried to be very honest with them.

If it were up to me, we'd try to work out our issues. I know I can't make him do that. I love him enough to let him do this but I hurt so much. It's hard to give him what he wants when I feel like this is a once in a lifetime thing. Anyway, I'm rambling here. I'm trying hard to not fall into an even darker spot. I do feel like a failure, like Ross from Friends, all I can hear is, " Two Divorces".

Karen in right AV, you are not a failure. We all make mistakes in life and choices which seem like the right one at the time. That is why we are also all forgivable. I hope things calm down and work out for you and your husband.

Honesty is the best policy, but not always the right choice at the time. Give yourself and break and focus on the now.

Peace
Trina

I think it is AV. I would ask to try again. If he doesn't want to then it is his loss. You are a fantastic person, don't think any less of yourself,. You are a good person, he should see that. Keep trying AV. Don;t give up. You will get through this, no matter the outcome. I know you are thinking of your past and what divorce did to you. You might not be able to stop it, but you can be there for the chldren. Or child, whichever it is. Hang in there, things are going to workout for you.

Hugs, Karen,

PS typing on my laptop and not very good at it.

I agree with JB, do think about couples counseling. I hope that things get better for you soon.

Take care and hang in there.

Hugs, Karen...

Good on you. Communicate is the key. As for custody issues. It's something that can always be revisited if you and your current husband felt that the decision is unjust. It's just a stressful situation.

Just the thought of arguing about custody and child support just raise my stress level. You do need to talk to your husband why it happened and what you intend to do about it.

I'm sure, someone don't just come in one day and say it's over. That may be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but I'm sure there are many other straws that he'd like to nit pick with you. Talk things over, find a mediator who's emphathetic to your condition. A muggle mediator is going to say things that you'll feel resentful towards. If the mediator is experience in depression and FMS, he / she may be more helpful to get your husband understand why the past happened that way.

Angelic, I'm not usually on this forum but was checking for spam and saw your post. I went through something similar with my husband. He suffered from depression but neither of us knew it. I know that sounds strange but back then people didn't talk about depression and you had to see a psychiatrist to get antidepressant medication, too. Anyway, neither of us communicated well. I would try and when I wasn't getting the response I felt I should get, I would clam up. That got us nowhere fast.

It was rough for a while but we both knew that deep down we loved each other and it was worth the work to keep the marriage going. We had three small children at the time.

I then found out about chemical imbalances, talked to my husband and explained this to him and he was willing to listen, too. He agreed to see the psychiatrist and get the medication he needed. What a difference that made and our marriage made full circle and we both were very happy again.

Marriages usually reach a fork in the road. We just have to decide to both go down the same path instead of different directions. It does take work on both parts and also give and take on both parts, too, but it can be done if both parties want it badly enough.

It sounds like your husband does want to keep this marriage going and you sound like you do too. I do think you both should sit down and tell each other how much you love one another. The love is there from what I can see in your posts. He could have been having a bad time and sometimes we say things we truly regret. I do suggest that you both agree to be open and honest with one another, though. Trust is a huge issue in a marriage.

You are not a failure. Both of you have made mistakes, and hey, who doesn't! Just make sure you have learned from the mistakes. Just start looking towards the future together and don't look back since you can't change the past but you can work towards a bright future.

Also, I wouldn't give a lot of weight about his parents. Parents usually stand behind their children in situations like this. When I was dating my husband, I broke up with him once and his parents said some not so nice things to him about me to make him feel better. When we got back together he made the mistake of telling me. Yes, I was hurt but I knew I needed to forgive them, which I did. We became wonderful friends and I adored my in-laws. Forgiveness is important in all aspects of this situation.

I will be praying that this all will work out for you. It will not happen overnight but, if you take one day at a time and work together. I think it could work out fine.

Sherrine

Your surprise was wonderful! I'm sorry he did something else. Did you tell him your plans before he went to the party at work? If not, you can do it tomorrow or on his birthday.

When we were going through a rough time, my husband was doing consulting work out of town...for nearly a year. I sent "care packages" filled with things I knew he liked to eat every other week. I wrote him a letter every night letting him know what the kids were up to that day. Because of his state of mind, he never mentioned them, never thanked me, but that was fine. I knew that doing loving thigs would pay off sometime...and they did big time for me.

You will have disappointments along the way but try to overlook or work around them. Trust me, he will eventually notice...probably sooner than my husband did.

Sherrine