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Posted 7/2/2013 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
Well, after a couple weeks my husband has decided that he wants to pursue getting a divorce. I told him how I felt and that I wish he'd give us more time but he said he doesn't think things will change. I called the divorce attorney today.

I've been having nonstop panic attacks. My new therapist isn't the sort of dr who prescribes medication. He keeps telling me to make the negatives positive but right now I can't see much positivity. I'm going to see my regular dr in the morning to see if I can get something to help me through this time.

This divorce will change everything. I don't have anywhere to go and no way to get there. I haven't been able to work due to health issues. I was found disabled but only qualified for ssi. My husband makes too much money so I haven't been getting benefits. They told me that I'd have to provide a copy of my divorce decree to get them to process my application. I have cut out my family due to their toxicity. Right now I'm facing homelessness. It's such a heartbreaking situation and I have no idea where I'm going to land.
Posted 7/2/2013 9:52 AM (GMT 0)
AV,

You are in my prayers also!

Know that before you end up "homeless" which would be your worse case sceneario you would have the Women Programs to explore for assistance, Catholic Services are great at finding housing.

AV you put your big girl panties on and you negogiate with "hubby" about support. You brought alot to the table in that marriage and he has a responsibility to you now. I would try anyway.

In the divorce settlement, I am sure he will have to pay you some kind of support. I don't think there is a state in this country that would let him walk out scott free.

Plus don't you have children? Thought you had 2. So there is child support. He sounds like he has a conscious from what you say so perhaps he will help out until the settlement.

Peace and Courage my friend!
Trina
Posted 7/2/2013 10:23 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry to hear this. Yes, alimony... Until you get remarried, if you do, I believe he has to pay this. Do you have an attorney? I would talk to one. He does owe you and the attorney would make sure you got it. Please talk to somebody.

I hope things get better, we are here to help you with ideas and experiences. Hang in there sweetie...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/2/2013 11:08 AM (GMT 0)
AV-

Thinking about you! Know that we are here for you.

Praying for you-
Michele
Posted 7/2/2013 12:37 PM (GMT 0)
AV,

Mine just went through smoothly on Monday, I still keep my attorney on contract because we still have some issues that hasn't been sorted... anyway, do ask around, there bound to be people you know who has been through what you've been through and get the best attorney you can get.

1. You won't be homeless. In fact, you can now demand that he move out of the house because he's the one who wants to leave. So leave.
2. Unless you've some sort of prenup, everything will be split 50-50. So you will have 50% of the house and everything else that you two own. it'll be up to you on how you want to deal with it.
3. If he's nice, you can ask if he's interested to "rent" you the other half of the house. You pay him the 50% off by monthly instalment, work something out.
Over here in Australia, the family courts wants all these to be done privately or through mediator, unless things turns real ugly, chances are you won't need to go through a big court fight. I'm not sure if it's the same as USA. I'd expect it'll be quite similar.
4. I know in NC, you need to wait for 12 months to get a divorce after separation. So don't be despair. Chances are, many states has the same law too. Who knows what may happen in 12 months time.

I am interested to know on what basis that he's demanding for a divorce. If you don't feel like putting it on the forum, you can send me a private message by clicking on the mail icon below my username.

Wish you all the best, take it easy, it won't be an overnight thing. I'm sure it'll take time to get a court date, and there are many other processes that you need to go through before it can happen. There are plenty of time to figure out that is the best course of action. One thing for sure is you won't be homeless. You has as much right as he does to the house you live in. And if he tries anything nasty, you can get the police involved, usually it'll end up in your advantage because you're not well and has a disability it's time to use that to your advantage (sounds awful but sometimes we do need to use drastic measure to get what we need).
Posted 7/2/2013 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
My kids are from my previous marriage. My ex isn't so good about making child support payments. He quits or loses jobs quickly and pays the absolute minimum to stay out of jail.

Due to my past I tend to do whatever I can to avoid arguments. My husband gets very worked up over anything to do with my ex and the custody arrangement. To keep from fighting, I just don't tell him things. He says he feels this adds up to lying and he feels he can't trust me. I know it's not a good coping strategy and I'm in therapy to work on better coping skills.

My husband also has very unrealistic expectations of what I can do legally. He thinks I should be able to just not let my ex see the kids and let my current husband adopt them. I'd live to be able to do that but it's not legal. To keep from fighting about it I just don't tell him when I have to let my ex have certain holidays, summer dates, or when I make special arrangements due to things like their aunt visiting once a year or their grandmother being hospitalized.
Posted 7/2/2013 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
Firstly your first ex is a douch bag.

Secondly your current husband, knows nothing about child custody arrangement, and it just feels to me, he feels the children are not his so he shouldn't pay a cent to support them, which to me, he is living in a fantasy land or basically doesn't love those children at all.

Legally, you can limit visitation right to your ex husband because he did not meet his child care contributing, this means, you need to find and attorney to reschedule your visitation plan. You can pretty much limit him to however minimal days you want, you probably can't take away his visitation right, but you can cut it down to as much as 1 day a month depending on how much child support payment he contributes.

If that's your current husband's issue, he's really a pig. Children shouldn't suffer because some irresponsible father doesn't pay for child support. He should be stepping up and show those children how things should be handled and be a role model to them.
Posted 7/2/2013 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hello AV ...

  I'm probably the only man responding to this, but it may be, at least, from a slightly different viewpoint than your other replies. I'm sure you are aware of this but .... whatever you do, don't do it at the expense of the children.

  If your children really like or love their Dad (first marriage), don't use them as any kind of bait for child support. The child support should always have been there ... even if it was only a percentage of unemployment for the period of his unemployment. Do whatever else it takes to collect that child support - and back child support, if it's due!

  I, personally, am the result of a divorce (when I was a year old) and my Mothers re-marriage (when I was 5-years old) ... and ... I loved both my Dad and my Step-father.

  My own divorce of over 20-years ago might be an example of how it can affect children when pressure is put on them. My child support record was 100% clean (never missed or shorted) ... and I saw them every other week-end and for two weeks in the Summer and some of the holidays. As I later found, my Ex was making nasty comments about me during some of those years ... and she did hold the kids away from me on our first holiday after the divorce - so I could not see them.

  The results, 20-years later ... I see my oldest daughter now taking advantage of her mother financially ... and my youngest daughter has not seen her mother for a couple of years - and we all live within 40-miles of each other. To me ... it is sad! I don't want to see my Ex treated that way, but it really isn't any of my business anymore. One daughter is 37 and the other one is 28.

  If a marriage counselor to save the marriage is not realistic or even possible, you should be able to get 50% of whatever the balance is of the total net worth ... or the assets minus the debt! And that would be just the beginning - before child support (if due) and alimony (if applicable). Any decent attorney would know far more than I about those things.

  And it does sound as though "taking care of yourelf" is something not to dismiss ... and I'm talking about your emotions!!! Don't ever feel you are the cause ... get counseling help. I have had experience with that myself long ago when I sought a counselor ... and I found a good one - and with an agency that worked on a sliding scale for cost (thru the county). As I recall, it cost me $24. per private session ... and it was the best money I have ever spent.

  I know ... this was long ... but it was from a man who is no longer bitter about his ex-wife. Think about that!!!

Good luck to you.

   

Posted 7/2/2013 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Angelic, I'm so sorry to hear this.  My suggestions would be to NOT leave the house.  The divorce was his decision so he can leave if he wants to or you can stay in the same house until the divorce is taken care of.  Remember, you are still married until the divorce goes through. Your attorney should be able to help you there.  You should get alimony...hopefully a lot.  It usually is based on what the husband makes and you said he makes too much for you to get disability.  You will get alimony until you remarry...if you decide to do that.  Once you get the alimony you can apply for disability again.  They would be considering your income (alimony) so you probably would get disability.  I hope so!  I would get the paperwork together, though, so you are ready when the time comes.

 

There are positive sides to this.  You might not see them right now but they are there.  Keep your eye out and when  you see something that might be positive about this situation, write it down.  Your list will start growing and you will become more positive and maybe even happy about this down the road.

 

Since you already suffer from depression I think you do need some medication for a few months to help you get over the initial shock.  When my husband died suddenly I was thrown in a mess like you, too, but I don't suffer from clinical depression.  I did get depressed but knew I had a good reason to be depressed and that I would work my way out of it...and I did...without medication.  But in your case you probably could use some help for a few months.

 

Many prayers are heading your way.  You will survive this and come out the victor!  Really!

 

Sherrine

 

 

Posted 7/2/2013 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I work hard to make sure my kids are never put in the middle. I never bad talk their father, but he does bad mouth me. I try to work with his family so they get to see the kids, too.

My husband feels like I work with them too much. He feels like I really need to "put a boot up my ex's butt". I do tend to not push much because its not worth the frustration to me. My ex gets nasty quick and I think it's best to keep things calm.

I think my husband has a hard time figuring out his role with the kids. He's very attentive and doesn't complain about all the financial burden being on him. I know he loves the kids and they love him.

I wish I could undo not communicating with him. I know I've got to learn to cope better with anger. I told him that I'd be willing to do what it takes to build the trust back up. This marriage affects me and my kids. I hate for them to lose not only a caring stepfather but his family. They have been wonderful and accepted my kids as their own from day one.
Posted 7/2/2013 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
A_V,

I hope this all works out and isn't too stressful for you. Remember to breathe when you need to. I don't know a lot about alimony or divorces. But I know you have to take care of you through all of this. Don't forget that. I think you are a good mother and wife. It will work out for the best. You will get money to live on and probably the house. I hope so anyway. Hang in there sweetie. Know we all care about you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/2/2013 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
AV ....

  Sorry to hear that your ex-husband does what he does. He doesn't deserve to have kids that might call him Dad! And regarding how your children feel about your husband, that's really good in a way ... but that has got to make you feel helpless or without direction at times. If your kids are old enough ... can you talk to them at all about the very possible divorce coming?

  At some point, your children will likely need some counseling ... but in the meantime, do take care of yourself. If for no other reason - for your kids! Please do check with your local county on what might be available for counseling ... first for yourself ... possibly as a couple ... and eventually possibly for your kids.

  I have used a counselor myself for three different situations ... and I'm not at all ashamed to admit it! Two of the three were very well qualified and one was not! I wanted, so badly, to bring the kids with me to a counselor 18-years ago - but did not want to "rock the boat" with my (then) recent ex-wife! That might have been my mistake - at the time!

  So ... even if a marriage counselor is out of the question ... do consider seeing a psychologist at some point in time. In the meantime, some medication, as was just stated by Sherrine, sounds like it's needed.

Best wishes to you and yours ........

Advanced Prostate Cancer -

on third type of chemotherapy.

Failed kidneys due to cancer spread -

under reasonable control.

COPD - under control.

 

Posted 7/2/2013 5:08 PM (GMT 0)
One thing that shouldn't be discounted. Give the children some credit. They will pick things up and make their own decision. It may not be now, but in 2 - 10 years time, things will change, they will grow up, they will understand what happened and make up their own mind.
Posted 7/3/2013 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
I appreciate all the support and prayers. It's been a horrible few days. My kids are with their dad for his summer time so at least they have been spared the tension. I don't know how I'd hold it together for them right now so I'm grateful for this time to sort myself out.

My husband has dropped the subject. I'm not sure why he's not discussing it anymore. I'm a bit exhausted on the subject. I've talked and talked until I don't think I have anymore to say. He said he's willing to give it more time but he doubts anything will change. I feel so lost and without hope.

For now, I've been gathering information on programs that would be there with assistance. I'm also going to go on being who I am with him. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to build trust. I told him he's welcome to go through my phone and email (I only communicate with my ex through those 2 formats). I'm making his meals, taking care of our house, and treating him like I always did, with love and respect.

I was raised very strict catholic. My first divorce was a hard choice but I had to do it for my kids and my own well being. I really don't believe in just giving up.
Posted 7/3/2013 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
To A.V. :

  I agree with JB1 on trying a marriage counselor. If there is a time of day or evening where he is usually relaxed (or relatively relaxed) - like some time after the work day, AND you're feeling comfortable about it ...... try suggesting meeting with a marriage counselor to him.

  I tried it once over 20-years ago, and my wife didn't like the fact that I picked a male counselor. So, I handed the Yellow Pages over to her - and said "OK - then you pick one"! To that she then replied "No - you're the one who needs one"!

  OK ........ if you ever got that response - you'll know what to do! And that means starting to prepare......!

 

Wish you luck there - some calmness - and good communications though first.

Posted 7/4/2013 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
AV - as long as the husband remains negative about how this is going to end, start sticking any spare money you get, in the pockets of your clothes in the closet. if everything goes south in the future the money you stick away will come in handy.
Posted 7/4/2013 4:17 AM (GMT 0)
He isn't willing to do marriage counseling. I've asked a few times and he always says no. I am still counseling for myself.

The last few days have been odd. He hasn't brought up divorce again. We've been not quite normal. He is still reserved with me. Conversation has lots of dead moments but we've been intimate. I just don't want to bring it back up right now.

I've just stayed stressed. I'm not sleeping, having headaches all the time, and just feel like garbage. I know this has to be resolved but I'm hoping this is him trying again. He's not a good communicator at the best of times so I've decided to give it a break for a bit. I just don't know what else to do.

I don't generally have access to money. Due to vision and memory issues I don't drive anymore. I don't have a debit card, not sure why other than because I've never pushed for one. Before we married we had already merged the bank account because of my ex's student loans trying to take what he owed from me I didn't want my name on the account. I always would just get enough money for the week when is deposit my check. Now that I'm not working, I don't have money. He goes with me to the store so I don't really ever have money. Since he's the one supporting us I don't feel like I should ever ask for money.
Posted 7/4/2013 9:33 AM (GMT 0)
Oh AV, what about all the work you do in the house? Do you do that for free? I am sure you earn more than your share! I know it is hard, but try to ask for a little now and again.

Peace
Trina
Posted 7/4/2013 11:00 AM (GMT 0)
I don't like the sound of this, what does your counselor say about it? You have no control, he has it all. That isn't fair at all. Do think about this...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/4/2013 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
Angelic, your husband is tormenting you. He says he wants a divorce and then holds a carrot in front of your nose. This is cruel and also abusive. You are frightened, walking on egg shells around him and that is no way to live. I know I wouldn't live like this!

If someone kept doing that to me, the next time I would turn and say, "If you don't want to be married anymore let me know now. I'll stop what I'm doing and help you pack your bags. If you want to try to salvage this marriage then I do NOT want you to tell me you want a divorce again."

If he were to take you up on your offer to help him pack, then you know it wouldn't have worked out anyway AND you won't be tormented any longer. Plus, you will still be in the house. He is the one that wants the divorce so he is the one to leave.

If he agrees to try to salvage the marriage maybe now he will go along with counseling since he knows you will not play his games anymore. You need to get some control of this situation. Right now he is trampling all over you. Baloney to that!

It takes two to tango. Half the blame is his but he's putting the entire blame on you. Why? Because he can! You are the only one working on this marriage. Everything you suggest, he refuses to do...probably because he knows he is also at fault and this would be brought out in the open. He has to agree to get help along with you.

Meanwhile, get yourself prepared in case it doesn't work out. I plan ahead for everything. It helps with the stress factor and that's not good for depression or your fibro.

Angelic, you are and have been doing everything you can to keep this marriage together. If it doesn't work out you know you tried your best...and so does God.

Sherrine
Posted 7/5/2013 4:59 PM (GMT 0)
I tried to talk to him yesterday. He said he doesn't want to talk about it because he wants to enjoy his days off. I don't know how he's enjoying anything. I'm miserable.

I'm going to push the marriage counseling. I can't go on like this and I think counseling is the best option. If we do try to work it out then I need proof that he's serious.

I'm afraid if he moves out that he won't pay the house payment anymore and there is no way I can. Right now I am trying to find work. It's probably not the best for my health but I am a Cna and it pays better than the easier work. To support the kids I can't afford to do minimum wage work.

I'm sorry, I know I haven't been much of a giver lately. I hate that. I usually would rather help but I'm in so much turmoil that I'm afraid my advice wouldn't be so great.
Posted 7/5/2013 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
Don't worry about it A_V, You give a lot of support here, we all have times when we need support. This just happens to be that time for you.

I am sorry that he doesn't seem to be effected by what is going on. It would be nice if he would talk about it, but it sounds like he didn't want to be bothered on his days off. Which probably doesn't help you any. I think the marriage counseling is a very good idea. You might want to get an attorney to help you, I think he will have to be the one to pay for it, but I am not sure. But you need to find out how things are going to go and what you are entitled to. I hope it doesn't come to that, but just incase, I think it would be a good idea to know where you stand.

Try to take this one day at a time, I know that sounds difficult but it can be done. Hang in there sweetie, I know that this is a hard time for you right now. Know we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/5/2013 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Angelic, is the house in his name? If so, he most likely would pay because his credit rating would be in the dumper if he didn't.

Also, if it's in both your names, perhaps the bank would work with you. Banks don't want another foreclosure and total loss of money from the property. Banks are up to their eyeballs with houses that are empty and an empty house deteriorates and costs the bank more money. Hopefully it won't come to this but it's something to keep in the back of your mind.

Just keep trying. When my husband was depressed he was so hard to deal with. I wish your hubby would get checked out. Really! He's searching for happiness, tried various things to be happy, so now you are next on the list. In my husband's case, I was able to convince him to seek help...that it was a good shot at being happy. He finally listened, got the medical help he needed and became Prince Charming!

Sherrine
Posted 7/6/2013 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
To A.V.

  The "best option is counseling"! ... you bet it is!!! If you cannot get your husband to go ... Please ... see a counselor yourself, and have the counselor give you recommendations on how you might approach him to go with you for couples counseling!

  Money (just to go see a counselor) is likely an issue - and you probably want to be straight-forward with him (that is - that you are going to go) - so that he doesn't start wandering into Paranoia-time!!! It does sound like he is hiding something - or simply in "denial" - and yes, many men do have a hard time expressing what or how they feel about something. I used to .... until I went to a counselor 18-years ago!!!

  There are avenues for lowered fee counseling (like the sliding scale fees that are often available for someone struggling with finances). AND ... if there is no way he will go to couples counseling ... DO go yourself. Then, in time, he might even go himself alone. It might be more comfortable or less embarrassing for him to go alone. Even if all of this ends up in a divorce, he should go to counseling ... for his own good and for that of your childred!

  However you proceed ..... start making plans - first for counseling. Then ... whatever the counselor suggests.

Have some peace and enjoyment too.

 

Posted 7/7/2013 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
I've been seeing a psychologist every week for about a month now. I've been working on my coping skills and learning how to handle stress. My dr did give me something for anxiety but its not very effective.

Our last talk has me very lost. He won't do therapy, none at all. He also won't get a divorce. He seems ok with just living how things are. Meanwhile, I'm miserable. He can go full days without talking to me, he goes out by himself, and has changed the password on his cell phone. He says its because he's had the same code for a while but he won't give me the new one. He won't unlock it and let me look at his texts. He knows all my codes and passwords. I have never tried to hide things from him. I know he's gone through my phone before (he got mad that a friend suggested that he's bipolar). He knows my ex cheated on me a lot and I've told him how this makes me feel but he doesn't care. He's remarked on the weight I gained when my cymbalta dosage was doubled. I put on 40 lbs. I'm now losing weight but it isn't leaving as fast as it joined.

I just feel like I'm going to be stuck with him treating me this way forever. I'm looking into going back to college. I have enough credits to graduate in a year and a half. My ex's student loans still haven't cleared me of his debt so I don't know if I will qualify for loans. Before my son was born I had a full ride scholarship but my ex convinced me it was best that I drop out and work to support us while he finished his degree (which took an extra year after he failed out of the engineering program).

I know people stay in unhappy marriages for their kids. He does love my kids and provides security for them. I never argue in front of them but I don't know if lying to them is good, either. I want so much to do what I can to make their lives as good as possible. At this point, I don't know how to achieve that. My mom was always getting divorced and remarried. I hated it.
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