My depression is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend.

Hi I can understand a few things you have written as I feel like this sometimes but you just need to ask yourself or tell yourself what you have got rather than focusing on the negatives or faults , when any negative comes on your mind out do it with a positive as hard as it may be it does actually work in some way, it sounds to like your very good at blocking things in your mind which I do a lot rather that think about it I do too analyse everything to a point of silly, but that's how a lot of women work , we all think about the same things for weeks and think of every way in it around it and the rest , that's when I tell myself right block it out which the. Can make you come across as cold heartless ect ,,, that's why of anythings said take all with a pinch of salt there for you won't analyse too much, any negative change to a positive and just tell yourself what you have got !! And remember nothing on this planet should make you feel so bad you may wish death or Hirt upon yourself and when you do find out what's making you feel that way get crap of it right away , as for the anti depressants nooooooo!! I was on them for years silly thig to do using them is like a fat person taking slimming pills it's cheating that will never make the problem go away it just keeps it at bay till you come off them which you have too one day , !!! So if you can avoid them doctors give them out like sweets these days , and where your partners concerned he seems to be trying to help , maybe of you feel you can open up to him and tell home how you feel he may reassure you in some way or help you , I do hope you reading this has helped in some way , and remember just try to think positive and look at thing on the good side rather than bad it does work because I have been just were you are before but got through it and I'm sure you will of you need to talk just email me.

Please put your email address in your profile so that only members can see it.  When you post it on the forum, anybody can see it and you could get a bunch of spam.  If you post it in your profile only the members can see and that is much safer.  I hope you have a great day.  Hugs, Karen...

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/5/2012 6:04:59 AM GMT

With chronic depression there are no "magic bullets". It takes time, and it is not uncommon for it to take a lot of time to find the right treatment or combination of treatments in order to get a real handle on it.

There are many, many medications available when it comes to treating depression and most if not all of them will take weeks before it is known if they are going to work at the prescribed dose. It is also not uncommon to need a few dose adjustments before really knowing if the medication is going to be of help and each dose adjustment will take a few weeks at least before the full effects are known.

In other words it really can take 4-6 months when including dose adjustments before really knowing. Sadly too many people, both patients and doctors, give up on a medication way too soon.

It is also quite common for depression to need a combination approach towards treatment. This can mean more than one medication, medication in concert with counseling or other kind of therapy, multiple forms or therapies or a mish-mash of all the above.

Hello Camaro017,

First of all, welcome to the forum. I am glad that you have joined us.

I think it is almost human nature to want what we can't have. And I think you have learned a lesson with what has happened. So don't be so hard on yourself. Try to give yourself a break. Start fresh and get on with your life now. Explore things about yourself. Learn what you like and what you don't like. Try to learn to go with the flow of things. And not dwell on what you feel you have lost. It is experience. They don't always end the way that we want them to. But that is a part of growing. And you never know, things might change. One day at a time.

Are you going to any counseling? They can help you find direction in life and get you on the right course for you. Think about talking to somebody to help you. Do you feel stuck with this? Struggling in any way? If so, please do talk to somebody.

I don't look at you as selfish. Sometimes we take others for granted. That doesn't make us bad people, we learn from it. Think of this all as a learning experience.

Hugs, Karen

i know how you feel....i am going through that same thing with my boyfriend...we have been dating for 4 months and yes i really do love him already but with my anger and depression love isn't seeming to be enough these days...we have fought almost everyday because of me...i feel like i should just end things sometimes because i dont know how to deal with them...i also have anxiety which im on meds for...i see a psychiatrist for the anxiety but idk until recently i didnt realize how bad the depression was effecting my life....i was on lexapro for anxiety which is also for depression but i recently switch medications because of some side effects nd im not sure if its a depressant too....but I've been feeling so irritated with everything, and so angry, and restless im going out of my mind, i almost feel like a crazy person or something...im like a ticking time bomb every single day and i feel bad for my boyfriend because hes the one i always take it out on...so Somethingblue i know how you feel you are not alone

My name is Sarah and your post is identical with what I am going through I mean EXACTLY. I know its been two years since you posted this but I was hoping maybe there was a chance you'd see this and be able to tell me how things turned out for you.

I have experienced the exact same thing--pulling away, believing that you have to break up with the person, only to feel a short time later that you have lost the love of your life. It has been devestating to me. Someone has told me that "depression is like a jealous lover." I have put together this information from various sources over the years and lessons I have learned at the end. I hope people can find some benefit from it. Please share with your non-depressed partner.

Depression can ruin relationships, and the cruelest aspect of the reason why has to do with its disguise. Depressed individuals often don't realize the source of their disinterest in their partner. More often than not, the depressed person is just as puzzled by their behavior as you are.

Explaining to a partner that a lack of interest in love making is not a reflection of their attractiveness or the state of the relationship, but is a symptom of depression or side effect of medication will go a long way to healing any potential rift that has been caused. Understanding from the partner that this is a result of a medical condition will help them to rediscover intimacy and closeness as a couple.

Seeking medical assistance as required and being as open as possible with loved ones can make all the difference in how depression affects your relationships.

Generalizing one episode to represent the whole relationship: One innocent slight from a spouse or friend distorts your entire relationship.

The depressed individual may perceive normal aspects of a relationship as gargantuan, and disproportionately difficult. He or she affords great weight to his or her convictions, however irrational, and perceives the non-depressed spouse's well-intentioned behavior as irrational. The non-depressed partner is often left in the dark as to the root of their partner's sudden detachment and hostility. This results in the dissolution of the relationship.

The detachment and lack of empathy by the depressed partner is alienating, and the frustration expressed by the non-depressed partner makes the depressed partner feel inadequate.

Depression often carries with it a strong element of guilt. Often, when the depressed partner has withdrawn, he or she feels tremendous guilt about having done so. This carries a self fulfilling pattern of feelings of worthlessness, and confirms to the depressed what he or she already feels - that they are inadequate and incapable.

Many depressed people have a very low sense of self worth; they feel the need to self-monitor, constantly checking their feelings and behavior. This can lead to being apparently self-absorbed and unconcerned about other people's feelings, which is in turn damaging to relationships.

This is not to say the depressed individuals are doomed in relationships, but it requires a tremendous amount of effort and communication. It also requires a willingness for the depressed individuals to explain the need for a greater level of understanding to their partners.

Unfortunately, living with depression can also mean that the depressed person is just less fun to be with. Sometimes depression can make the sufferer feel physically exhausted and short tempered. A depressed person also might talk obsessively about (often negative) things.

Many of the symptoms of depression can have a significant negative impact on interaction with other people and relationships. However, strong relationships can survive episodes of depression and can even emerge stronger if both parties are aware of how to cope with the situation.

So don't give up if you don't see results as quickly or as thoroughly as you would like. As with everything else in life, this will involve trial and error, requiring much patience and tolerance, but it will be so well worth it when you begin to see that person you "once knew" begin to peek through a little bit more each day, and you'll soon be reminded of what drew you to them in the first place!

Although difficulties with relationships may not be the depressed person's fault, it is still essential to take responsibility for one's own actions.

A cataclysmic event doesn’t have to happen for a relationship to near its end however. Even if nothing major pushed the two of you apart, it’s possible you still may find yourself uneasy as the rebuilding begins. The knowledge that your relationship is that fragile may be enough to have you questioning it and wondering how long it will be before a break occurs again. This fear will inevitably lead to a bit of relationship depression, and it is understandable. However, it’s important to keep in mind that no relationship is perfect, and that the fear of a broken heart could be applied just as easily to a new relationship as it could be to this old one.

When broken bones heal, they are almost stronger as a result, and they rarely break in the same place twice. The same applies to relationships, and if yours was one that was worth saving you should be able to find solace in the fact that you were able to come out the other side stronger – together. Eventually you will find yourself laughing more than you cry, and the fear of the past event will start to fade. The best thing you can do at the height of relationship depression is remind yourself why this relationship was worth saving in the first place, and what it is about this person that you love the most. With time, you will find your way back to the happy relationship you once cherished.

Lessons I have learned:
-withdrawing is a manifestation of depression.
-you many not even be aware that you are withdrawing at certain moments; however, your partner will notice, so address it with them early.
-open communication about your depression can engender trust with your partner.
-your sudden disinterest in your partner is a manifestation of depression as well. Recognize this, and realize that how you felt about them previously is the real feeling.

You are not the first personto feel this way, wanting to be alone is very common with depression.

First things first: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AND YOU ARE NOT WEAK!

I used to suffer with depression for over 2 decades, and had PTSD for a couple of years after a friend committed suicide in a violent way while I was staying with his family.
Nothing the doctor prescribed me worked, in my opinion antidepressants are not much better than a placebo. I went to councilling too and that made me feel WORSE.

I finally came home one day and did some research on depression - what I found was astonishing. There are many things that people can do to help with depression, so after much testing I put together a 7-point plan: CBT, Sleep, Sunshine, Diet, Exercise, Goal Setting and helping others and I have been depression free for nearly 4 years.

Your first step in my opinion should be some CBT. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy challenges your thoughts and identifies which ones are true.
For instance - when your boyfriend tries to cheer you up when you are depressed, your instant reaction is to push him away - do you do this because you don't feel worthy of him? Or maybe because you don't want to hurt him?
Challenging those beliefs will change your thoughts, make you feel different and your actions will become more positive as a result.

I even put an ebook together in order to help others.

The standard way doctors are treating depression is not working - ie by throwing pills at it. It actually makes me wonder whether they treat depression with pills just to make money. Whatever the reason, depression is on a rapid rise globally, and treating it with natural remedies seems to be the best way - it certainly helped me.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/16/2014 8:38:42 AM (GMT-6)

I would look at a new diagnosis of depression as I would finding out I was an alcoholic. Get into a program & concentrate on that. & that alone. Just like AA & NA, they suggest you do NOT start a new relationship for at least the 1st year. Because it should be all about YOU! Then once you ARE better, then share your life w/ someone again.

Hi, I love gym! First talk with your Dr. Its not unheard of for women to experience depression after having a baby. Talk with a Dr about your options. A therapist is a good choice and maybe a medication. Studies show that doing both gets the best results.

The best relationship advice I can give is to be honest with your partner. They need to know so they can help. Even when you feel like being alone, reach out. Depression wants us alone because then its harder to fight. Let them help you. The best way to get better is with help.

Hi there,

Pitmom is right, a new thread would be good for you to get more responses. If you feel comfortable with that, if not, we will talk to you here.

I also agree, have a talk with the doc. You have a few things going on that could be contributing to the way you feel.

Try to take things one day at a time and as they come, it helps a lot. Keep posting and think about starting a new thread. All you have to do is click on "new topic" and that will get you there.

Hugs, Karen...

you click on the post that you started and read. There are ways to get to a new post quicker, where you leave off. I have to go there to be able to see to explain. But you should be able to go to "chat and forums". Find depression, then you will see a column with all the different posts in it. I think you can click on "last seen". I hope you can figure it out, or somebody can explain better than I can.

Best wishes...

Hugs, Karen...

Not bad Rey, It is sunny here this morning so I am hoping for a nice day weather wise. I am glad to see you post. Keep hanging in there. That is the best we can do...

Hugs, Karen...