slowly losing it

um... i'm new here... to get to the point, i need help... asap (no immediate danger, just kind of only have a week to stay where i'm at, and i don't have any other place to go...). normally, i'm just awkward about talking to strangers; lately (past few months) it's been close to impossible, and then you throw in mental health professionals... i need to go, but it's a paralyzing thought. i can't even get a job because i'm afraid i'll screw it up... my roommate's amazing (much more than i've been able to tell her to her face, sadly... ), but i can't help but think the worst of her, even when i know for a fact it's not true...

if i've got the symptoms right, i've been dealing with at least a form of depression for as long as i can remember. it's getting worse and everything's falling apart... and i can't deal with talking to people directly, even the ones i know. if i can deal with that, the rest will fall into place... but i need help with it, and as of now, any help's pretty much thrown out the window - or throwing me out, as it were.

any help would be greatly appreciated.

i've tried that... for years. nobody gets it. my roommate doesn't get it, and she -has- depression (she's currently on meds for it). they either brush it off or tell me to get up and get a job. the problem in this case is that i'm -too- open... i try to tell my roommate if something's wrong, but i can't ever describe it then and there... so she gets frustrated with that, on top of all the other crap i make her put up with along with that...

it's not seeing a counselor that's the problem; i've already decided i need help. the problem is actually talking to one... i know i'm not very clear sometimes; to put it simply, i'm shy. very, very, shy, especially when it comes to my personal problems. they're kind of personal.

oddly enough, i'd much rather type to strangers (granted, none of you will ever know who i am, unless perhaps some of the mods decide to do a thorough ip search or something... even then, this is a borrowed computer) than talk to them.

also, thanks for the welcome.

somehow, i was afraid that was all i was going to get from here... but then, there's really not much else for it, i guess...

my roommate's already throwing me out, anyway... i can't blame her, but i still try to. i'm getting a headache from it. >_<

i'm not expecting anyone to do it for me... any support i had just kind of collapsed under my weight, that's all.

i don't really care at this point. worst comes to it, i'll bring a paper bag and a notepad. i'm sure there've been worse cases. of course, i've also yet to get any sleep... >.>

lol, meditation is what i -do- when i'm trying to sleep... effective, when it works. it doesn't always work. i did manage a few hours, though. i can't afford a doctor... can't really afford much of anything. i'm just glad i'm not on any meds, or i wouldn't be able to donate plasma. >.>

right now's gonna have to wait until monday, apparently. >_<

yeah... i used to be really good with both of those. distractions aren't always enough for me, and keeping my mind blank otherwise is becoming exceedingly difficult...

i try, but my thoughts can be overwhelming... it used to just be random things i'd messed up in the past, or even things that've had no real significance... but i've had a lot on my mind lately, and i keep trying to shove it back until suddenly, it's time to sleep, and i have everything to deal with then and nothing to keep me from it. it's even been affecting me like that during the day, now. i end up curled up in a little ball, feeling like there's nothing i can do...

... i'm not sure how to answer when the clinic asks me if it's an emergency... even if i did, i couldn't talk to someone over the phone about it...

that's what i'm trying to say... it's like sweeping. you take care of certain times of the day, only to end up with a huge pile at the end. i get out occasionally, but mostly just to run errands... i don't have anyone to do anything with, and that's really the only way i enjoy anything... *nods* i'll take a look at it. thanks... you too.

i'm no good at talking to random people unless i have a reason for it... can't exactly just walk up to someone and say hi without looking like a weirdo, now, can i?

i've always been objective, i think, because i'd always been by myself when i was a kid... and i just continued to feel that way, whether i was alone or not. i'll leave my "fence-sitting" issues to the doctor when i see him, if you don't mind; they're a bit deep-seated, and really, i'm more concerned with everything else.

i think there was some confusion over whether i'm seeing a doctor; i -am- seeing one, the first chance i get. it just happens to be monday.