Depressed (for the millionth time)

Dunno what triggered it, exactly, but I don't think yesterday helped. Family came over for a few hours. I could barely face talking to my nephews, and avoided all the adults. What is wrong with me? Nobody had said anything to uspet me, so I wasn't nursing a grudge.

Today I'm just bored out of my mind. Been really trying to get to bed earlier, but no matter what time I go to bed, I wake up feeling unrefreshed and tired. So sick of feeling crap. Been having morbid thoughts. Everyone online who has had the same surgery as me (had a colectomy in Feb '13) goes on about how it changed their life for the better. I don't know one person who thinks that life has been a let-down post-operation. It's all super-duper positive.

What puts me off doing anything is the thought I'll always be dogged with depression. Get a dog? Still be depressed. Exercise? Still be depressed. Do volunteer work? Still be depressed. Study? Still be depressed. Such thoughts invariably kill off nascent stirrings of motivation at birth.

Feel like I completely wasted my hospital's money. I never asked to get ill, it is true, but the surgeon wasted her time fixing a hopeless case like me up. Thought I'd feel better once the scourge of Crohn's was gone, but in some ways I feel worse now than I did when severely ill.

Thanks for listening.

I agree with AV... Even if it isn't a chemical imbalance, antidepressants can help you for awhile until you get feeling better again. When we have a chemical imbalance, that is about all we can do for it, rebalance our brains. It isn't anything we choose, it just happens. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor. And it isn't a quick fix, so the sooner the better in my opinion.

I am sorry you are feeling so down. It is hard when we are depressed. But know you are worthy and special in your own way. You deserve to live and to live happily.

Take care sweetie...

Hugs, Karen

I've tried loads of antidepressants, guys :-/ They just don't work for me. Worse than that, sometimes they do help initially, but then I end up in an even worse state than I was before I began taking them.

It's not like I wouldn't be on one if they actually worked. I'm long, long past the stage of having any moral objections to taking a pill to make me feel better. But they don't, just like none of the Crohn's meds worked.

I'm seeing my GP on the 9th September, but spoken to him many times about being depressed. He's a nice fellow; sympathetic, but what can he do apart from offering me another med which won't work? As for therapy, I'm having a 12-week course of CBT therapy with a psychologist. Three sessions in. It's not entirely unhelpful, but I just can't see it being enough in the long run. Took me forever to learn to drive, and that's a relatively straightforward skill to learn.

None of this new, really. I just feel utterly stuck with being depressed for whatever lifespan I have left. I hate it beyond measure; this isn't a life. Not even sure I would call it an existence. Physical illness is bad enough, but this just sucks every last drop out of whatever makes life worth living.

No obligation to reply to this, truly. I know as well as anyone how draining writing replies can be: sometimes just one lengthy reply can take it out of you.

Hugs back, Karen... :-/

Edit: Thanks as well, UA :-/

Hi NCOT,

Just don't give up. There other treatments that you may be able try. though one is electrical shock treatment. But it does help some people. Keep up with the cbt. It is a good therapy. Keep trying, avoid stress. Was seeing your family stressful to you? It is for me sometimes, seeing anybody is sometimes.

I sure do hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs,Karen

@Joanne - I tend to, yeah. I try purposely not to think about certain stuff, but the thoughts just ambush me when I try to think about something else :-/

No to both family questions.

Think the waves on the beach would be more relaxing if I was actually there... :-/ But I do feel 'tired yet wired' an awful lot of the time, that's my problem. I'd love to be able to lose myself in a book or something creative for hours, but my brain won't switch off and that interrrupts the flow of it constantly.

@Karen - Don't think I'd dare do electrical shock treatment, tbh: my memory is bad enough as it is :/

Yeah, seeing my family stressed me. I never look forward to it, but it doesn't always drain me as much as this visit did for whatever reason. Anyway, thank you *hugs* :p

@karolekid - Interesting you said that. Cymbalta is one of the few antidepressants I haven't tried. Somebody else recommended that to me; said that it was so much better than Effexor (the last med I was on or, more accurately, Venlafaxine, the generic form). I'm not doing anything else at the moment, so I might as well try Cymbalta and end up even crazier 6 weeks later... :-/

Ah, you should have gone to bed - you shouldn't have let me keep you up! <_<.

Yes, I think I know what you mean, especially about sleeping. Once upon a time I used to get pleasantly sleepy before dropping off, but then an evil witch came along and cast a spell on me... er, wrong story. Anyway, I don't have that pleasant sleepiness anymore, I'm just awake until I'm not.

I sorta have tried that technique before, but more for anxiety attacks than for depressive thoughts. And, I have to say, it worked fairly well. You try to observe your thoughts and bodily sensations - anxiety can be a really physical thing - without comment or judgement for 10-15 minutes. Anxiety was actually a worse problem than depression for me for a while, but ever since surgery depression has had the upper hand. Yay me, having two fun mental states to choose from :-/

Anyway, that did help ameliorate a few anxiety attacks. I can always try it for depression.

My brother who came over is 10 years older than me as well - well, nearly <_<. We don't quarrel, but we've got nothing in common (apart from Crohn's...) Personality-wise, apart from worrying, we've also got nothing in common. My brother would think something terrible had happened if I called him: we just don't have the kind of relationship where we talk one-to-one. (I can't talk to most people like that though; only a few...) I do go to his house quite a bit, but only because of my mum babysitting my nephews.

Cheers! Hope you're sound asleep by now :p

Hi NCOT and Joanne,

Just popping in to say hello! I hope you both had a good sleep and are feeling well today. Keep up the chatting, I love seeing members communicating with each other. I think it makes both of you feel better.

With that being said, I don't mean to hijack a thread, just wanted to say hello, It is cool here today, feels like autumn.

Hugs, Karen...

Hi folks :p

@Joanne - I don't think my post is gonna be anything that great, really... <_<. I do actually take a sleeping pill every night, 1x 3.75mg Zoplicone tablet. Went through a wretched phase of insomnia a few months ago; that combined with itchy and prickly skin (aftermath of a bad Oxycodone withdrawal, I think) made it literally impossible to fall asleep. Least I've got down from 2 tablets to 1, but I wish I could fall asleep more easily than I do.

Nah, my brother would just think it weird if I phoned him up. I'm not that motivated to, really. On a superficial level I could get along better with him, but the chances of a deep and meaningful sibling relationship are zero.

Cheers, same to you :p

@Karen - You're not hijacking anything! In fact, feel free to join the party. There's no food, no drinks, no music, and no guests, but apart from that, it's a great party :p

@Bnot - What meds are you on, if you don't mind me asking? Must admit, I'm wary about going on a combo of antidepressant meds. I just don't feel like there's enough knowledge of how these drugs work on the brain and I'm somebody who tends to have weird or atypical reactions to most meds. I dunno about seeing a psychiatrist: GPs are the ones who usually prescribe antidepressants in this country. I'd have to ask my GP for a referral to a psychiatrist and I dunno if he'd agree.

Heh @HALT. Usually suffering from all 4 of those at once <_<. (Not so much hunger, but sometimes I go too long without eating.)

*collapses* Have just eaten dinner, so am not hungry, but I am really tired and have a niggling eye ache which I think only ibuprofen will knock on the head at this rate.

Anyway, thanks! Peace :p

NCOT

I take among other meds for other things, Cymbalta, Buspar and Abilify for my depression. It works wonders. Now I have severe recurring MDD so you may not need all 3, but a combo, may be the ticket.

Halt is a tried and true process. If you take care of those items in your life daily, you will become less depressed, honest!

Nice to see you post MK!

Peace
Trina

Daisysmom - Yes, I was serious about thinking about getting a dog <_<. I keep putting off looking, though, partly because I'm scared I will be too depressed to feel like walking it twice a day, every day, and partly because my mum isn't keen and I have to work around her reluctance.

There are quite a few places to walk a dog around where I live, and even more places with a short drive. I think daytime wouldn't be so bad, but I can imagine feeling anything but like walking a dog at 10pm tbh. Could just let it out in the garden before bedtime, I suppose...

Re not feeling wonderful, I think that's a part of it, absolutely. A lot of my time was spent in dealing with being ill and going to hospital all the time. I don't miss the pain, but I found myself missing some other things surprisingly strongly. But I also think part of it is a physical problem. My thyroid is wacky (some weird test results with that), so maybe that is playing a part in the general grogginess I feel.

PS: I see from your sig you are on Methotrexate. I was on that for a while :p

@BNot - Google is not being very helpful on what MMD is :-/ Initials don't quite match, but it's not Major Depressive Disorder, is it?

I definitely agree that things like tiredness and hunger can make depression or anxiety miles worse. I used to burn the midnight oil and stay up to ridiculous o'clock, as well as not really eating properly. Was always losing it and becoming angry, tearful or obsessed. Actually I'm still a bit like that <_<. But if I'm bad now, I was 100x worse. Nowadays I try to get enough sleep and eat proper meals. Can't always control how well I sleep unfortunately, but I do find I can control my mood better on those rare days I feel like I have had enough sleep and am not tired.

@Joanne - Well, I'm less likely to build up a tolerance to a low dose, that's my reasoning. And Zoplicone isn't one of the worst drugs from that point of view. The benzadiapazenes are associated with a much worse withdrawal syndrome than the Z drugs. (And don't get me started on Oxycodone). Anyway, tolerance/physical dependency is my main concern with certain meds, which is why I don't feel comfortable with being on a sleeping pill long term. I will try to get off the Zoplicone entirely soon.

I don't really "do" optimism <_<. I dunno, I suppose I'm not that strongly motivated to try to cultivate a better relationship with my brother. If I was, I would try harder, but the interest is lacking to some degree. I do wish you good luck with your brother, though. Hopefully in time your efforts will pay off.

Peace, folks :p

Hi

you guessed it MDD is major depressive disorder. Last counselor I saw thought I probably had that.

I think dogs are good for motivating you to go for a walk. I mean, it's their idea and they will let you know when it's time to go out if you forget. I don't have my own dog, but I go over to my mother's and help her quite a bit with her dog. I usually end up going for a walk with him, even though I don't really want to. It's fun once you get out there.

I tend to agree with you on the optimism point -- I've never been that way. I think there's a difference though between being positive and being optimistic.