I need someone.

Sorry to be cliché, but I am so tired of this. I've struggled with severe major depressive disorder my whole life, haven't gotten a day's break from my suicidal thoughts since I was nine, and I am so sick of trying to make it through this when I literally have proven to be of no real worth. Some people have met me, liked me, then disliked me, left me. I understand that friends don't last forever but I'm tired of the 100% rate.

But no, I'm not here because some friend "dumped" me, it's just a general point. Alongside that my depression has made it exceedingly difficult to cope with all kinds of stress, including essential things, like, oh, WORKING, relationships, even trying to commit to bettering myself in any way. I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend, and I am just so beyond sick of being a worthless blob of garbage. I don't care if I'm "pretty", "witty", "smart", whatever encouraging things people try to say, because I have no potential. It's been over a decade and I am so sick of the crippling depression. I've seen psychologists sporadically and taken medications, but I can't find any way to receive long-term care, even with state insurance, because of my dependency and poverty. No one deserves to have me sucking the life out of him or her.

It would be a different story if I were improving, but I'm not. I'm terrified to even go back to school because I nearly failed my final year of high school due to bullies, a traumatic break-up with a subsequent suicide attempt (yeah, so dramatic, whatever), trying to find a place to live, trying to hold a job so I could live with horrible roommates screaming at me nonstop despite all the chores I did ... Yeah sorry, off the main point here.

I just want to stop all of this. I've had more days with suicidal thoughts than not, literally, and once again I just don't think I can take it anymore. I need SOMEONE. At this point I really don't have any friends, and when I did, none were reliable. My boyfriend is little help because, for one, he's the one I'm troubling with my dependence, and two, he's not the most experienced communicator, especially in these situations. I'm here because I don't want to call a crisis line and force someone to listen to my wavering, whiny voice.

******** No more being a burden, no chance of people knowing me in the future, just nothing of me. People'll be sad but it passes. The people who were closest to me (I'm estranged from my family, who have never been a source of emotional support/encouragement) would understand that I did it because it's what I've truly felt is best, not out of spite or some other lash back. I don't try to torment anyone with the thought of it but they know what's likely and not.

I can't even support myself. Some people see the stress I cause and they, or he, I guess, still tries to talk me out of these thoughts, but I've spent so long trying to deny what makes sense to me that at this point I have definitely overreached and have needlessly wasted a lot of additional others' time and energy. But here I am, trying again, for people who won't accept that they don't want or need me. What exactly the hell do I do? Think?

Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 9/5/2013 2:50:03 AM (GMT-6)

Hi GummiMuffins,
don't listen to the people who told/think that you're not good enough, worthless and so on. You're not a worthless blob of garbage, you're far from it. Believe it or not, you're actually actually very brave that you could be in this level of depression and still survive. You're really strong and that's a great thing.
Everyone has their up and downs and you're just currently on that 'down' state. Don't try to deny, try to accept and learn from what you've experienced. It's okay to feel that way, you're you and be proud of that.

Your boyfriend seems like he's not interested on helping you, maybe he's just not the one. A true boyfriend will get your back when you fall and listen to all your problems. Maybe, 'the one's' just simply in the future.

You can be whiny and talk all you want about all your problems here because everyone here had experienced the same stage and won't judge a single bit of you. Besides, it feels really good when you could get everything out in this post doesn't it ?

Pray when you feel down,
Pray when you feel wonderful.

Just keep on going GummiMuffins, I hope you'll feel better and have a great day!

Much love,
Joanne

hey little lady,

im 19 and too have been experincing the crippling thoughts depression seems to make it impossible not to think. Im lucky i have a couple very understanding friends who i know will never give up on me. My main issue is im always so down that i leave them, i ditch them and i cant even handel there company. Except one, my ex-boyfriend/best friend. I depend on him so much it is truely ridiculous. I have spent neaqrly evryday for three years in his company because i cant stand to be alone and for some reason my mind latched on to him and it cant unlatch.

I mean he is lovely. but like your boyfriend hes not very addapt in talk of depression, medication, phsycology and wanting to********f. My talk of wanting to ******** scares him. even more so since my ******People always say that i have so much potential. That im talented and beautiful. Which admiitdly i am. I was blessed with beauty. but it none of that matters when your cursed with a dark mind. All of this so called potential is great. but i cant feel it. i dont see it. so how will i ever fufill it.

i really appreciate this post because i relate so much to it. the constant seemingly pointless battle with medication and therapy. The struggle of having nothing really that wrong in my life but still not wanting it.
people thinking because your beautiful that the world is open to you. i think i just want you to know your not alone. i mean i cant give you any great tips on how to make it better. because im still at my worst. i can tell you that there is light out there somewhere for us. and we might not find it for a while. but its got to be there!!! your not alone. you dont need someone. you just need yourself. your the only person you can truely count on. so get to know yourself. even if its stuff you dont like. and find away to be okay with it.

let me know if you ever need someone. because no one should feel completely alone in this fight.

best wishes,
your girl vickie.

Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 9/6/2013 7:11:37 PM (GMT-6)