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Any advice about coping with wife's depression

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Posted 9/18/2013 8:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,
Unfortunately I have to turn to the internet for this, but it did help in some way knowing that I am not alone...
Sorry I am not able to give more details now, but in a very small nutshell, my wife's depression is affecting me to the point where I am not able to concentrate and do my work properly. I get blamed for almost everything and anything I say or do, and I am the cause of all her problems. The battering is numbing and sad, and it is happening more frequently and intensive.
From what I have read, I can't remove her depression and there are things that I should be aware of but the more pressing problem is that it is affecting me and that will make things worse. I have lost most contact with friends and family, and my work is suffering to the point where I may lose my job. What should or can I do? I know there is no silver bullet, one step at a time, but where to?

Thanks if you are reading this, and even more if replying. God Bless.

Post Edited (LifeIsBeautiful) : 9/18/2013 8:29:03 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/18/2013 9:12 AM (GMT 0)
I'd suggest counseling as a good first step. It'd be good for both of you. Dealing with someone you love having depression is hard and it can definitely drag you down, too. My husband and I both have depression. We both cope differently. I have to tell myself that its not me, and my friends here help me so much when I feel like I'm losing that battle.

Depression makes you feel alone and unloved no matter what the truth is. Try and get her to go on outings with you and family and friends. My husband will make me go to a movie and that always helps me. If she won't go then you can go anyway.

Just communicate with her. Tell her she's loved and understand its not you. Encourage therapy, maybe a good antidepressant would help. Be supportive and take care of you. I guess that's it in a nutshell.
Posted 9/18/2013 10:46 AM (GMT 0)
Life is Beautiful, welcome to the forum. AV is spot on with a great over view of living with depression.

Depending on what caused your wife depression in the first place there is a great book for partners to read. If you wife is a survivor of Child Abuse the I suggest YOU read "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis. The book is in Question and answer format so it is a great referrence and easy read.

I strongly suggest counseling no matter the cause for the depression since it is clear devastating both your lives.

Keep posting here it will help you stay focused and we care.

Peace
TRina
Posted 9/19/2013 7:36 AM (GMT 0)
We have been to a few counselling sessions, it stopped when she felt the counsellor was not "competent" and didn't address her issues. I have been taking her out and trying to communicate with her, but it's not getting better. I've visited other forumns, and there are strong indications that she has a complex condition of BPD,NPD, and MPD. It's not encouraging, the more I try to help her, it seems that it's reinforcing her behaviour which aggravates the situation. The term walking on eggshells summarises everything. For reasons that perhaps I don't even understand or can explain, I don't want to press the "eject" button. Deep down I just want her to get better and save the marriage. Other than therapy or meds, is there anything I can do?
Thanks.
Posted 9/19/2013 10:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Life,

It sounds like most everything has been done. It is up to her to get better. You can only do so much. She has to take steps. I am sorry you are walking on eggshells, that is no way to live.

When she said the counselor was incompetent because they did not address her issues, well that needs to be done by a personal counselor, not a couples counselor. So she needs one on one counseling. It doesn't sound like she has a very good attitude and for that I am sorry. Don't let it get you all up tight, try to break the tension. You are human, and deserve to be treated right. You might want to rethink the whole relationship. If it is draining you, that isn't good. I hope you can work things out.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/19/2013 11:01 AM (GMT 0)
So sorry, it sounds like you have done everything humanly possible to help this woman.

It is like addiction in some ways, the person has to WANT help to be helped. It sounds like your wife wants to "marinate in her muck" and be miserable.

You could, with a doctor assistance have her committed to a pysch hosptial for a week and they will get her straight on her meds, she will be ok for a while. No gtd she will stay on the medication once she is out though.

Peace and courage
Trina
Posted 9/19/2013 3:16 PM (GMT 0)
I have visited other forums, and was surprised how similar others have similar problems. There is strong indication that depression is the the symptom of underlying medical and personality disorders. Thanks for the comments and suggestions, it helps in someway. I will still check in to update, if anyone is interested.

Is there light at the end of this tunnel?

Post Edited (LifeIsBeautiful) : 9/19/2013 9:26:50 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/19/2013 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
there is a light, only if she decides to go and get help. It is rare that these disorders regulate themselves.

You may post anytime you want, we are here to support and listen.

Peace
Trina
Posted 9/20/2013 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
She did go before marriage. The meds, in my opinion, could have made it worse; cold turkey or over reliance on it to function. Counselling was only temporary comfort, the negativity kept looping back. Lately I have tried to understand more about her situation, the other concern is that there are signs of me sinking into depression. It can be contagious, is there anything to prevent or minimise it affecting me, besides eating well, sleeping well, and living well? Thanks.
Posted 9/20/2013 5:39 AM (GMT 0)
Therapy! It's a good place for you to go for a supportive listener.

Your wife will get better when she's ready to. If she refuses one on one therapy or to stick to a medication regime then you've played your hand. There's no magic cure for depression. It's horrible and it sucks but ultimately the sufferer has the control to try and fix it and no one else (unless she's a danger to herself or others).

Now it's about you. Can you take being dragged down? Are you willing to live your life like it is now with no garaubteed about any change? Define your limits and really examine what you want. Discuss that with her but don't hold out for a miracle. Then you follow through on your decisions. It may sound harsh but that's the only way that's possible for you. She controls her destiny and you control yours.
Posted 9/20/2013 5:44 AM (GMT 0)
 


LifeIsBeautiful , when you marry someone short, she will be short

when you marry someone tall, she will be tall

when you marry some depress, she will be depress and that's

not about to change. Depression is lifelong, there will good times

but if you expect that's a healing then you are wrong. Depression

is a cycle that goes up and down but it will never go away. You may

be the saviour today, but you will be blame tomorrow. It will be extremely

exhausting for you and it will breaks you down time and time again till

the point you wonder if you are the depressive one. You didn't mention children

thus I assume you don't have any. Children is different matter altogether in a

depressive marriage, because you will need to keep them away from depressive

influence which is another... nevermind

Cherish the good moments because you will need them to provide you

strength in times of madness.

 

Posted 9/20/2013 6:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Naan,
You were right about the kids. Agree about cherishing good moments, it's no use focusing on the dark blots only. It's the journey and not just the destination that matters.

Hi AV,
Take control of the situation and don't let it take control of us. A lot of truth in that.

Right now this forum is my only form of expression, your contribution cannot be underrated and goes a long way for me. Thanks.
Posted 9/20/2013 10:00 AM (GMT 0)
Life,

You could try mindfulness it is a wonderful coping skill that I use daily to help me stay focused on the moment and not worry about stuff I can not control. Certainly helps with my depression.

WWW.mindful.org is a good place to start. There are many blogs about many other coping skills also.

Peace and courage
Trina
Posted 9/20/2013 4:01 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome and thank you for sharing so openly. Is there anyone for you to talk to locally - a counselor, pastor at a local church? Having a support system can be so important in these situations . . .

Praying for you and your family!
Posted 9/21/2013 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks will check out the website. Due the events that transpired and circumstances, there isn't much support except from my in laws.It's not easy talking about something, especially when it does not make much sense to me, hence my visit to this forum. But I realise that I need to take care of myself, before I can even think about taking care of anything else. Thanks for your prayers, I'm not a religious person, but this is the time more than ever that I need His help.
Posted 9/24/2013 10:07 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not sure if I should be asking, but how does she blame you?  I'm struggling with depression right now and hate that my husband has suffered with me.  I don't think I've ever blamed him for my woes ........ but couldn't swear to it.  He can't understand me when I'm really bad and it is aggravating when he tries to fix me.  I know he's trying to help, but words are not going to help what I'm thinking is a chemical disorder in my brain.  Logic doesn't matter.  But I don't think her being depressed gives her the right to talk down to / blame you.   

I'd love to hear from others if this is common for people to do when depressed?

Is this from depression or personality?

 

Posted 9/24/2013 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds more like a personality issue to me. Not saying she isn't depressed. I don't know how I missed your post Life, but I hope things are getting better for you.

Take care guys...

Hugs, Karen...

I think it is normal for a depressed person to take things out on their loved ones, maybe blame them for situations, but not for their depression, though maybe she does. But we own depression and if she is blaming you, eventually that should change as she starts getting better.
Posted 9/25/2013 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
The blame can come in any situation and anytime. For example, I take her to an appointment, and the person that she wanted to see was not around. I get blamed for not listening to her suggestion to go the following week (reason being I can't that week), even though I had reminded her to check that the person was in beforehand. Indirectly this adds on to her feeling of not being heard and depressed. Yes it isn't logical to blame someone or something that didn't cause the problem, but this is not so clear to the blamer. I believe it is a combination of depression and personality issues. Example I had a bad day and got in an accident and blame the traffic signs or the other driver's incompetence, but actually I should have kept a better lookout of the traffic. This makes me feel "better" because I do not feel bad that I may be at fault too. Others may link this to low self esteem, and the need to justify one's "bad" actions. I've been to other forums, and I think they are right in not taking it personally, it's not about you/me but the situation that is making a person upset.
If I may suggest, maybe it would help if you could let your husband know that you need him to listen and empathise with your feelings, and thank him for trying to fix it though it doesn't. It may not be easy or possible for either of you to change your thoughts and actions, but understanding and adapting to each other could be better.

Jasonmom said...
I'm not sure if I should be asking, but how does she blame you? I'm struggling with depression right now and hate that my husband has suffered with me. I don't think I've ever blamed him for my woes ........ but couldn't swear to it. He can't understand me when I'm really bad and it is aggravating when he tries to fix me. I know he's trying to help, but words are not going to help what I'm thinking is a chemical disorder in my brain. Logic doesn't matter. But I don't think her being depressed gives her the right to talk down to / blame you.
I'd love to hear from others if this is common for people to do when depressed?

Is this from depression or personality?

Post Edited (LifeIsBeautiful) : 9/24/2013 8:21:17 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/25/2013 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the encouragement, past two days was an improvement, not by leaps and bounds but baby steps are just as good. Coming to this forums and the positive comments did help, for me to understand that nobody wants to be depressed and anyone can get it (like a cold), not to be too absorbed in how it affects me (though it is not by choice), and that it takes a lot of effort also from me to adapt and deal with it. It's dealing with the reality and coping with it that's tough. Any suggestions or sharing of experiences are welcomed.

getting by said...
It sounds more like a personality issue to me. Not saying she isn't depressed. I don't know how I missed your post Life, but I hope things are getting better for you.

Take care guys...

Hugs, Karen...

I think it is normal for a depressed person to take things out on their loved ones, maybe blame them for situations, but not for their depression, though maybe she does. But we own depression and if she is blaming you, eventually that should change as she starts getting better.

Posted 9/25/2013 9:16 AM (GMT 0)
Just keep an open mind. It is going to take time for her to realize that the depression is hers and hers only. Is she going to any type of counseling? Is she on any meds? Counseling is usually the first step.

You might want to get her a book called "feeling good" or "the new mood therapy". It is all about cognitive therapy and learning how to look at things differently. It really helped me to see the other side of things. And to get control over my thoughts and reactions to things. It is all about the power of the mind. You can think yourself out of almost anything. The author of the book is Dr. David Burns. You can find it on Amazon. It is only about 6-8 dollars a copy. It is an older book, but it is a good one. I am sure if she reads it, it will help some.

I hope things get better. Just don't blame yourself. It is hard watching somebody with depression, but hopefully soon, she will be feeling better.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 11/5/2013 6:13 AM (GMT 0)
Just wanted to update that past 2 months was a roller coaster ride, just when things looked better it slides back down. I've gone to other forums and resources, as there are strong BPD traits being shown. Wish me luck and thanks.
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