Just Need To Talk a bit please...

Hi,
I occasionally post on the anxiety board and actually posted about this subject a few weeks back. about ME: I do take Paxil 60mg a day and Buspar 60mg a day for depression and anxiety/GAD. I've been on meds for both problems since 1992/93. Medications have basically kept me stable, fortunately for me. I know that some folks are not so fortunate and I feel so bad for those ones b/c I DO KNOW what it's is all about! My life is not however a bowl of cherries. I am on disability b/c of my anxiety/phobias and such. I won't bore y'all with my life story, but will say that b/c of my phobias, etc., I've never married, had kids, basically never had a regular life. I've always lived with my folks (Dad passed away in 1998). So now that I've briefly summed up my life, such as it was/is, I'll get to my present situation....
My pet cockatiel, Peeper, whom I loved so very very much for nearly 17 years, died on Sept. 2, 2013. He was my baby. Earlier in the day he had been just fine. I went to the laundromat to dry some clothes and when I got back, I could tell that my Mom was upset, near tears, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. She just said for me to bring in the clothes and then she'd tell me. As I'm toting the baskets to the back room, I'm asking her is Chy (my niece) ok? Yes. And it dawned on me. IS PEEPER OK?!? No! She started crying and I went to the floor. (Mom had been extra afraid to tell me about Peeper b/c when his mate Shadow had died suddenly back in 2006, my blood pressure went up so high that my mom had to call 911...) My baby was dead. Gone. And I wasn't here for him when he died. He died alone. He had his own room (which we spent a whole lot of time in, so it wasn't like he was left in there like a recluse) and had been safely on his perch as usual when I left. When Mom had went to check in on him, she found him lying on the floor dead. Mom loved him too and has cried her fair share of tears. We both adored him. But she felt so bad that he died while she was here. She had heard him whistle out one time, but that in itself was not unusual. Now she's feeling guilty b/c she didn't go in there right away. She said maybe he was calling her....I don't know myself. I personally think he might have had a heart attack. But whatever the case, I don't blame her. If we had ran to his room every time he whistled or our parakeet whistled, we'd run ourselves ragged. Anyhow, I buried my Peeper in the backyard under an oak tree and I placed a patio stone over his grave. I think about him everyday and many are the times that I cry when I do. I try not to let Mom know b/c it'll just upset her. I cry at night into my pillow. I cry in the shower. I cry when I'm off running errands on my own. I miss him so much. I miss the way he would wait for me to get back into the room before he would start eating again. I miss the way he'd cuddle against my face and when he would sit on my leg, he'd look up at me with the sweetest eyes and wait for me to rub his neck and head. I still have my parakeet, Chirpy, but he isn't tame. He was given to me in 2009 by a friend that didn't really want him. I love the little guy, but nothing like I did my Peeper. No bird can take Peeper's place, but if it was feasible, I would like another cockatiel. But I can't get one. My Mom has COPD and the dander isn't really good for her breathing as it is. We'd already had the birds for so long when she was diagnosed that she and I couldn't part with them. Plus between her health and other certain circumstances, it's just better to not have another responsibility to take on right now. Our income is soon going to go down quite a bit and we'll have plenty of adjustments to make and deal with. So many stresses we're dealing with now or are going to be dealing with soon enough. So it goes. I'm just so heartbroken and there's nothing I can do about it. How long before I can go through a day/week without crying? My grief is very real. Since Peeper died, I'm extra-paranoid about something happening to my mom too. If I'm this devastated over my pet, how could I bear up under the pain of losing my mom??!!
I manage to get through each day and no one would guess that I'm so sad inside. I even forget myself until something reminds me of Peeper...which is almost everything.
please forgive the long post. I just feel so scared, sad, and empty all at once.
thanks for listening.
janetlee

Welcome to the forum Janetlee,

You are doing what you need to be doing, grieving for your loved one. We all deal with it differently. Death is never "Easy" but as we go through it we come to understand it better. Then the next loss is not so shocking.

You do what you need to do to get rid of the pain and grieve for Peeper.

I have buried 5 dogs and both my parents, none were easy, but it is the cycle of life to pass away.

Peace and courage
Trina

JL,

I believe you are worth a whole lot more that you are letting yourself believe.

I starting using Self-kindness and Self-compassion along with my CBT skills and they really do help bright they out look, you start to see your self worth, even through years of abuse.

This is not easy, it take work, but it is worth the time and effort.

Peace
Trina

Thanks for the advice. no, I can't have another pet. My Mom is OCD about certain animal smells and animal hair. Also, I believe that if you are going to have a pet, you should be able to take it to the vet when it needs care. I can't afford such care. My Mom is going to be quitting her office cleaning job at the first of the year and we will be living solely on her social security and my SSI. Then when they start taking her medicare fee out (she didn't accept the medicare when she turned 65, so now it'll be really HIGH!) we'll really have to live carefully. So it goes. When I had Peeper, all I had to pay was for the vet to trim his nails and wings. When small birds get sick, there's not a lot you can do except keep them warm and perhaps get antibiotics for any infections. We don't have any avian vets here, so that's about as good as it gets.
Oh well, enough! Thanks for all your kind words. I've ALWAYS felt like a worthless one, but things that happened to me through the years only reinforced my feelings. At least I AM able to see my good points.
Y'all are sweet to talk to me and it has meant a lot. I will try to look at things better.
Stay sweet!
janetlee

Thanks so much, Karen. I feel for you about your puppy dog. Dogs are such loyal, smart, and usually gentle animals! I love all animals! But one time I was talking to this lady that had dogs and she just couldn't wrap her mind around the idea that you can feel the same for a cockatiel that you can a dog! I assured her that birds can tie up your heart strings every bit as much as a dog. Too many people, sadly, just get birds to sit in their cages like living what-nots and that is NOT fair to the poor little creatures! How I wish they'd only place birds in homes where people have been educated on the proper care! But these days, we're always hearing terrible stories about how all kinds of animals are mistreated and then when you hear how many children and old folks are abused, well, it's just heartbreaking really. I can't "fix" those things, I can just make sure that whatever I take on that I treat right.
Please give your pup a pat on the head for me and always know that you are appreciated by myself and apparently many others here! :)
jl

Many thanks again, karen! :)
jl

Lisa,
It's nice of you to replay! Thanks for your words! You are right about our pets being our kids. I actually didn't cry for Peeper on Sunday, as far as I can recall. However, I did today. I still won't turn on the radio in the car. Just haven't the heart any more.
I wish you the best! take care!
janet

Gizzy'n me said...
Hello .........
There is no way to realistically know the pain you're going thru. I'm sure you've heard this or something similar before, but crying is a cleansing of the soul. It is necesssary. It's a release. It is neede to move on.
I had a fairly recent loss of a dog - in April of 2012. It may not seem recent - but it is! He was two months beyond 15-years old and was my companion for nearly 15-years. I still think about him often.

And let me offer one thing to you. I'm not sure which is better - to be with or not to be with them when they're going. I've experienced both. They both hurt!
When I brought in my big Standard Poodle over 16-years ago to the vet for the last time, it was devastating. He was a 65-pound gentle dog who overnight was taken by hip displasia ... and I couldn't see him suffer any more. I did not have the courage to be there with him in his final few seconds. I turned my back in the vets office and cried like a baby.
When my Elkhound was in his last days, I told myself I would never leave his side. I would be there for him to the end. I was and it included three of his episodes thru his last night at home. He died at home ... a few feet from me in the early morning hours.

Don't beat yourself up for not being there. You didn't know what was going to happen. You couldn't have prevented it. You have memories. Cherish those.

Rob and Gizzy

I know what you mean by saying "recently" about the loss of your dear doggy. These sweet pets wrap our hearts around their paws or wings or whatever it is they may have. They add such a richness to our lives and then when they are gone, we lose something precious to us and we know that we can't get them back...so we mourn for them a long time, especially if we had them with us for many years, as you and I did. I feel for you and I know that there's more tears ahead, but I am doing better and I know I'll never forget my baby. A part of my heart is buried with him.
I wish the best for you too and thank you for your kind words! :)
jl