Hello Brian ........
I must say that I have no practical knowledge or experience with some of your signature challenges .... or with the physical loss of a brother or sister. I have had depression to varying degrees for close to 24-years ... the timeframe when my ex-wife and I separated. I have two daughters, both now grown, and we lost a son during pregnancy long ago ... already had his name picked by the 5th month ... and then ... crush!!!
I was a modestly successful breadwinner - if you want to refer to it that way. We had a very nice home - custom-designed and ultimately built by me ... as an architect. Yes, we had the two cars ... and both of us were pretty much car freaks. However, sports cars and landscaping were our only two shared joys in life ... excet of course, our daughters.
I often worked those long hours for employers who constantly lied with their promises ... bonuses or whatever! Then we moved geographically - actually went back to our original home area ... to get divorced.
You mentioned about focusing on the future ... yep, that's what we men often do. Maybe it's an escape from reality. Maybe it's actually motivated by the desire to suceed. I don't know. I do know that when we separated after moving back to the midwest, our 2300sf home on heavily wooded 1/3 acre was replaced by me for me alone with a 1-BR condo of 840sf - no garage - no storage - very tight .... because I started my own one-person business - and worked out of that condo also.
Every other week-end the kids were over and we managed. My youngest was only 4 at the time, so she still does not remember life with a father figure around daily. That rips me apart at times. The memory of it still does now.
You mentioned about not seeing your oldest for close to 2-years now. I do know how that feels. My oldest has kind of abandoned me ... not sure why ... but my ex does have something to do with it. I know that for reasons I won't mention here.
You mentioned that what you want is to find someone to grow old with and to trust. I have most certainly been there. I've had two serious relationships in the past 15+ years ... the latest one ending 4-years ago just about the time that my previous cancer was returning. That was close to a 7-year relationship ...... so much for trust .... at least for me.
Don't ever lose your desire for the companionship and need for trust. But .... don't base your life on it. I did take the destruction of my family hard years ago. I was raised in a less than great environment (Mother being married three times) ... so I wanted desparately for my marriage to work.
All of the above is just to let you know you're not alone. You do have to find your own way of solving your loneliness.
The little business I started about the same month as the divorce was filed, existed for close to 22-years. It paid for child support for 14-years, some of my youngest daughters college expenses, life insurance on me - for my kids benefit for close to 18-years .... and in 6-years, got me out of that tiny rented condo into a 1400sf townhome with a 30-year mortgage ...... that I paid off in 5-years.
Yeah ...... it took 50 to 60-hour work weeks for years. I did use it (my mistake) as a substitute for a social life for most of those years. Don't live your job if you can help it. Get out a little .... meet some people .... give yourself a chance to find someone to grow old with.
Keep having faith in your oldest child .... but again, don't base your life on things you likely cannot control - and may not even know about. That's where I'm at with my oldest. My youngest .... is cool .... so responsible - although I think the thought of losing her dad is getting to her - and she doesn't know how to handle it.
So keep your youngest two as close as practical ... as long as they know you love them. And try to get out a little - even if it's just a support group or two (especially for the loss of your sister).
There seems to be so much to say ...... but my Lexapro is absolutely not working right now.
Best wishes to you.
Rob and Gizzy
Gizzy is my lifetime partner, a Samoyed dog. It really isn't that strange!