need help coping with my adult daughter's depression

Hi, I am new to this forum and just thought it might help to share my story and maybe get some questions answered.

My adult daughter was diagnosed with clinical or major depression 20 years ago. I know she will always have it, certain things trigger it for her. She has been in the hospital a few times. Sometimes she can go a few years and do pretty well but as soon as she gets into any relationship, it goes downhill from there. She says she wants a husband and a family and I want that so much for her. She has not had much luck with any of her relationships and now she has trust issues with every guy and with the breakup usually comes the depression. She then swears off guys for a good while. She has so much going for her, very pretty, very smart, good heart and a great personality. When the depression comes back, her self esteem is very very low and she is very hard to get along with and pushes everyone close to her away. I know later she always regrets this, she does love her family and friends. I know that this is part of the depression and not who she really is but lately the episodes are getting more frequent. The way she deals with her depression is by starting over....new city or state, new college, new job, new friends. This time it will all be different..... but those of you dealing with depression know that the depression can come back anytime no matter where you live. She gets mad if I tell her this. She has been doing this for years. Starting over again and again has to be so lonely and my heart just aches for her. The moves are getting closer together, not as easy to find a new job with all the job hopping and the money situation is very bad.

As her mother I have went through a lot with her and have always tried to help her, but I don't always know how. The older I get the harder it is to take the abuse when she gets mad at me,she says I am too negative and she has said in the past she has no support system. Anything I say is wrong when she gets like this, we can't even talk on the phone this time because she will hang up on me. We have been emailing this time, this way I can proofread it for anything negative. It hurts when she says I don't support her. I have left my job(and my life) twice over the years to go and stay with her and help her, have gave her money to start over, and have worried about her till I am sick. She has came home a few times but it doesn't usually go well, she feels like she is a failure if she has to come back home and we fight a lot. 

 She is in another state now looking for another job and feeling very low. She is in therapy right now and I hope she is taking her medication,she hates taking anti-depressants, says she doesn't like how they make her feel. She hates her job and her life and everything. I love her with all my heart and worry about her constantly. I want to help her but I am tired, so very tired. I know I am not responsible for her depression, but she has no one. I want her to be happy. So I wait for her next plan or move and hope for the best. I feel guilty all the time, not sure why. I don't allow myself to be happy until she is. I can't seem to help that. The only thing I seem to be doing for her is helping her with money but I can't afford to keep doing this forever.  Sometimes I get so mad at her for the decisions she makes.... but it is her life. I can't fix her, but I have to learn to deal with this better and take care of myself. I do keep telling her I love her but I haven't been giving any advice (she really hates that) lol

Ok, done feeling sorry for myself, this post wasn't supposed to be this long. I had questions for you all but now I don't know what they were. I will ask them later. Thanks for listening, it helped to write it down. Any advice would be appreciated. How do I help her without breaking me?

Hi helpformom,

Carl's a definite righty... He just somehow is always right ! How ? I never know, well maybe I do.. anyway back to the topic here.
Your daughter is a good person but she has to take care of her life herself! If you keep on (somewhat) pamper her, she would be (somewhat) a spoiled brat. Let her take her own responsibilities in life, mainly at her depression. You're a great mother but sometimes, parents just have to step back a little and let their children learn on their own. You may not be able to control your daughter's depression but she could and would eventually figure out on how to control her depression sooner or later.

By the way, you should start enjoying life while you still can. Don't always burry yourself with worry. Life is too short to be filled with regrets. I hope this helps and have a great day!

Joanne

I am a Mom of an adult, married daughter who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression.  I just dont know what to do anymore to help her. She has a one year old daughter and has been married for 5 yrs--however,TODAY she is moving in with me bcuz her husband just "can't take it anymore". I dont entirely blame him.She is hard to live with when she gets into the depression lulls and its so hard for her to get out of them.Long story-but the rules of the forum prohibit explaining further!! She has a new doctor who I hope and pray will help her. She hasnt been seening him a whole month yet-but is already on a second medicine. She has been taking Cymbalta all along(hope I spelt that correctly) and a small dose of effor but now is trying  Topamax with it--it's NOT working.She, in my opinion ,needs to be hospitalized but is fearfull that if that happens she will lose her job(she is a teacher)  and that she'll be blackballed from teaching bcuz or her mental illness..she also is newly separated from her husband and fears that any record of mental illness (especially hospitalization) will cause her to be seen as an "unfit Mother" and will jeopardize any further issue about custody of her child. The latter is a MAJOR reason why she wont seek help in regards to getting hospitalized. Trust me--she needs to be..she worries about her daughters' care--I assured her that her Dad and I will help my son in law in every way possible and that my granddaughter deserves a chance of having a Mom who can be happy. She went thru depression after the baby was born--she didnt even feel like she loved the baby--I told her that that happens to woman sometimes--especially with her disease..she feels like crap believing that shes not a good mother--I tell her that shes an excellent Mom but just needs to get help. I try to get her to help HERSELF,but sometimes she is so low that she cant even go to work. This Bipolar Depression has affected every aspect of her life.Like I said before shes moving into my home today and is separating from her husband of 5 yrs. Noone seems to understand her condition but me. People tell her to 'just snap out of it!" and take care of your daughter!! I just dont know what else to do for her..I think she needs to be hospitalized. Bottom line is does anyone know if she will be judged for being hospitalized in regards to her illness when it comes to the custody of her daughter? Also at age 32, can she apply for disability, although I dont think is a good idea.She is still a viable person,very very smart,very pretty,usually a great,king and caring person with alot to offer..just wondered about the disability part though..I feel like Im rambling on and on so I'll stop..I hope and pray she'll be alright.all I know for sure is that I'll NEVER EVER give up on her.

Helpformom,

I just wondered if when she starts over, is she actually running away??? Maybe she needs to face things head on and deal with them. I could be very wrong, just wondering.

Either way, I wish you the best. I hope that your daughter gets better.

Hugs, Karen...

....and alot of it is the desire to suceed, be happy, find a new partner etc

Though I also understand that if unstable then the stakes may be different.

I am quite stable in general.

I know your post is from almost 10 months ago and I'm hoping this reply finds you well. I just joined this forum today in hopes of finding some support or answers myself and first thing I read was your post. I have to say that I could have written that myself. I mean, i knew I wasnt alone but WOW your story almost matches mine completely. I especially relate to the part of being so very tired. I keep thinking that I cant do this anymore, then feel guilty because my daughter probably feels like that everyday.

My daughter just turned 20 and doesn't have much job experience but has quit her last two jobs. I did ask her to join this IOP (intensive outpatient program) at a nearby psychiatric hospital if she was going to quit her last job and she did, she started off going 5 days a week and now down to three on a good week. She also sees her Therapist every saturday (not affiliated with IOP program).

I guess I cant really offer any advice to you (sorry), but for me Im hoping it helps just to communicate with others in the same situation. I have been trying to find a support group near me that I can attend regularly, I really need it. Im finding that I have become somewhat depressed myself worrying about my daughter so much and feeling such guilt for her illness. Again I have experienced everything you have and now my daughter is moving out of state for the first time. Im not sure how I feel yet, but im scared.

The hard part is since she turned 18 I wasnt able to be involved in her therapy. I now just recently was given permission by my daughter to be involved and it has helped me a great deal in understanding some of her struggles. It also helped me by being able to ask what my role should be and I was able to learn what are some of her triggers are so I know to avoid certain subjects. At least until she can handle more. It just seems like everyone needs to know her triggers and how to approach or handle her situation....which i know is unrealistic, if it were only that simple.

Well I could go on and on and on...

My prayers are go out to you and your daughter

Thank you for the reply luvmygrls3

It was good for me to go back and read what I wrote 10 months ago. At the time it really helped me to write down how I was feeling and get a little insight from others going through something similar. No we are not alone in worrying about our daughters. I will always worry but I hope I have learned to step back when this happens again. We will see.

The good news is yes things are better right now and I am happy because my daughter is happy. She did move again, new job, new town, new apartment. She is a little closer to home, about 3 or 4 hours away. She is doing really well right now. She loves her job and is doing very well there. She has hooked up with some old friends and made a couple of new friends. We talk on the phone at least once a week and text back and forth a lot. She seems so good right now and I feel like I can enjoy my life too. I guess we just have to take it as it comes. I did loan her some money but she paid it back. She is like a different person when she is not in her depression. We talk and laugh, I don't have to worry about everything I say, things are good. Her life isn't perfect but she is trying so hard.....

I wish you well with your daughter, I know how hard it is. My husband always told me to stop worrying. That sounds so simple.....how do you do that???  I am glad you found this forum, it helps to write it down and to know you are not alone. I know it doesn't always last, maybe I am sticking my head in the sand so to speak, but I so need this right now. I am getting ready for a beach vacation with my friends.  I hope happy days are ahead for you too. Take care of yourself