Hello all ......
We all need relationships to survive ... and in the best case scenario - we need close friends (platonic) + a incredibly close partner (whether married or not) + some kind of family relationships to enrich our lives.
I'm planning on looking at each of the three types above individually - to explore what's been lost, how it's affected life, and maybe what else is needed that's missing.
I'll give my story ...... and I very much welcome others to give their stories here ... or maybe a little advice or background comparison.
PART I ..... CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS
As you women likely realize ....... men usually have a real difficult time looking inside themselves and allowing their vulnerability to come shining thru! After all .... isn't that a violation of manhood. Well it was for most of the last Century!!~!!
When I went to my first psychologist, I wanted to go to a woman PHD. I wanted no pre-conceived notion that a "good-ol-boy" wuz gonna slap me on da back an be mah buddy!!!
I wanted to hear it from a womans viewpoint. After all, a failed marriage of just over 23-years has some shared responsibilities. I wanted to know what were mine. I learned much more ... and so very thankful I found a good PHD the first time around. That was 17 to 18-years ago.
One of the last things my PHD told me was that I needed to build a network, even if very small, of friendships. I was, at the time, totally into my business and my daughters. My PHD did suggest getting into a support group for divorced and widowed people ... which I did ... and a wise decision too.
The group I got into for the first few years had a mix of support, speakers, dating and then friendships developed. Realizing that many of the men there were just looking for a hook-up ... and some of the women too ..... I got into a friendship with one of the facilitators there - an older gentleman with great wisdom, a deeply caring person and one - who I later found out was an alcoholic.
But Richard sort of became the oldest brother I never had. We had many years of male bonding in the most platonic way ... and then he died. I forgave his crudeness and language when he was drunk ... because when he wasn't, he was an amazing human being who loved God and so many people.
After Richard was gone, I got closer to Bill ... another one of the few males in the group that used his upper head for thinking. In fact, Bill was there for my support when I first went thru my original cancer treatments 10-years ago. And I was there for him when he went thru his heart attack. It was not as close as with Richard - but still a good male friend to have ... that is until he died also. He too was older than me by over 10-years.
One of the female friendships that started close to 15-years ago was with a woman by the name of Carol. She too was divorced after well over 20-years of marriage ... and went thru the therapist routine - then the support group for divorced people.
Over the years, we never dated - although we often sat together at group dinners - and always hugged each other when meeting or leaving a group function. She has met my youngest daughter. I have met her only son. For years, we talked on the phone nearly once a week. I am a big telephone talker!!! Lately, it's about twice a month.
For close to three years now her son moved back in with her ... and he's in his mid-late 40's!!! Like most everywhere, jobs have been tough around her for the past 7-years or so. Even before the job market shrunk, he seemed to always have a different job ... never staying on any job for a couple of years. And he has a B.S. degree in business and is a CPA .... so he did have the moxy to study and pass that test once upon a time.
I firmly believe now ..... that the son is bleeding his Mom of her good heart and using her however possible. Even while living with her, he has been unemployed for most of the past three years - and part-time for some of the three years.
Carol broke down on the phone ... very very much unlike her ... a few months ago because of her son - and that he was using her and didn't like her. Of course, she's allowing that to happen. She is the enabler.
The last time I called her two weeks ago, her son picked up the phone - mentioned that he was just calling one of his buddies on Mom's phone and said Mom was busy. It was B.S. He wanted to used her phone and not his cell phone. I did get a call later from Carol that night ... did not mention anything about her son - never have really in a negative way.
Now, last night I called her. The line range many rings - then her service picked up. Carol is a real estate broker and uses her home phone for business and personal calls. I guess her son does too instead of paying for his own cell phone. I never got a call back - so I guess her son was on the phone for a long time last night.
Carol is very close to 70 and wants to retire. But she can't, because she knows her loser son has no ambition, can't hold a job long enough for any kind of seniority, and frankly .... is waiting for Carol to die. She did mention that to me once ... and is now on two types of anti-depressants. Carol is a saver .... and her son would go thru that money quickly .... but WHY should she still be working because her son is a leech - and an arrogant one at that. He usually is fired from his jobs.
What do I do????
I would like to tell her she needs to kick her son out on his ass. It's time he deals with his laziness. Maybe he should sling burgers at McD's for a year or two to gain a little perspective and respect. A little embarassment for his B.S. degree and his CPA stature should bring him off his arrogant high horse .... I think!?!
But .... I hope I'm not selfish in not wanting to lose a pretty good friend in telling her how I feel. I know it would hurt her beyond belief if I said that about her son. I hate to just fade away into a more distant friend. I don't know what to do!!!@!!!
Any suggestions out there?
Or any similar stories out there that need to be told?
Peace and wellness
Rob and Gizzy