I have nothing left to give anyone...

I've got many health problems and depression, anxiety and PTSD. I was approved the first application for SSD and I filled out all the paperwork myself. I just found out today from my Long Term Disability Insurance company that after 3 years of bothering my doctors and therapists every 6 months that they have determined that I am permanently disabled so will be paying my monthly benefits until my 65th birthday, the end of my policy. I'm 57 so that's 8 more years that they've decided they don't need to bug me. I told my husband this this morning.

So what does he do? He tells me he's not happy and it's my fault. I lost it. My Internist, therapist and friends have been telling me for a year to leave him as he is emotionally abusing me. I'm not ready to give up on a 38 year marriage. Today I lost it. I talked very loud, not exactly a scream but told him I am ill, I've had operations, they cut out my large intestine and rectum that is about 6 feet of my guts after years of disease, etc., I have fibromyalgia, I'm in chronic pain, and I'm not making him happy because I don't get up early enough when he wants to leave the house to go on vacation and stupid stuff like that. That would make him happy? Honestly that is one of the lame ass things he came up with. I told him he's driving me crazy and everyone thinks I should leave him for emotional and verbal abuse. I have nothing left to give, it is all gone, there is nothing left, the well is dry. He says he's left before - like I should be afraid. He forgets I asked him to leave that time too. It was in year 15 of our marriage. I said fine, leave now too. I told him he needs to go see a therapist because it's not fair that my illness has done this to us, me and him. But there is nothing else I can do for him.

I didn't say it but I so much wanted to say that he needs to go find a Geisha girl because I think they are the only women that their sole purpose is to make the man happy - and don't you have to pay them like call girls?

I could go on and on about the hell he's put me through the last few years. He's just made me more ill. No wonder I have major depressive disorder. I go into PTSD when he yells at me and can't respond, just cry and shut down - just like I did when I was a little girl receiving my momma trauma. I was an abused child. It looks like I had a real break through today because I did the yelling! I have a sore throat from it.

I feel good that I finally stood up for myself, like the old pre-sick me. I feel sad because he is so unhappy. I feel scared because he might leave. I am depressed because it just takes every ounce I can muster everyday to get through it. Who's supposed to make me happy? Right, I am. It's impossible.

toughenough,

kuddos to you for standing up for yourself! Perhaps this is what is needed more of your old self.

With the situations you are dealing with, you must be mindful not to give away your mental health to anyone. This is a very difficult thing to do at times. Mindfulness and positive self-talk are coping skills that can help you achieve this.

Stay strong
Peace
Trina

I've been in weekly therapy for over 2 years. My antidepressants were changed several months ago as I was in a major depressive episode. I flew across the country and spent 12 days at a friends to get away from him. I barely left her house. She worked all day and I did some healing. I have anxiety outside of the house and have a hard time driving. I rarely go anywhere by myself. I am so alone and am getting no support from anyone but my medical professionals a few friends and wonderful people in a few support groups. My adult children live out of state and I can't complain about their father to them.

I'm feeling better after I stood up to him yesterday. I think I understand what you mean about not giving my mental health away to anyone Trina. It's easier said than done. This stress aggravates my health problems.

As usual he's acting like nothing's happened today, like he does all the time when he has his blow ups. We can't sit down and have a quiet conversation about anything as he refuses. I had another sleepless night. So I wait for another shoe to drop.

Thanks for listening and for your advice.

That breaks my heart, toughenough. Praying for you!!