I'm in desperate need of a personality/mentality change. Obviously that cannot be done in the blink of an eye, but I currently hate the person I am. I'm really nervous to be posting this here because I'm scared of being made fun of, but here we go.
I guess I'll try talking about
myself a bit... I apologize in advance if this turns into "oh, woe is me" as that is not my intention.
To start off, I should point out that my social life IRL is absolutely abysmal. This is due to a number of reasons, but they're all my fault. I go to a nice, small private school and everyone is very nice to me and tries to get me out of my shell, but no matter what I do I'm still too self-conscious and nervous to hang out with or even talk to people. I smile at people, I'm nice and kind to them, and they're nice back, but I have difficulties getting to any other kind of emotional depth with anyone. I can never think of responses to jokes or statements, and my voice is very monotonous and serious-sounding, so whenever I try to jokingly say something it sounds like I'm serious and ruins the mood. Plus my facial expression hardly ever changes from neutral no matter how hard I try to force it to.
But that's probably enough about
my IRL "social situation" for now. After all, I may not have friends, but I have a loving family of three (just me and my parents). I don't have much of a right to complain on that front.
Now, you see, all of my friends are ones I met online through Tumblr or Twitter. Yes, they're trustworthy, they are who they say they are, etc. So whenever I mention my friends, keep in mind that they're strictly online friends.
I've ended every relationship I've had because I'm worried the other person will begin to expect too much from me. I think negative thoughts about
my best friends. All I do IRL is hang out on my computer in my room on Tumblr, Twitter, and Youtube, watching Let's Plays or playing video games. I have no motivation to even do the tiniest of tasks; for example, I could go to the bathroom to pee before bed, and despite the fact that I'm right next to the sink and I literally think to myself "if I don't brush my teeth right now I'll hate myself for it tomorrow", I still don't do it. (for the record my personal hygiene is actually quite good, although I am prone to occasionally doing as I just described).
I always try to motivate myself to do daily exercises but I never do them in the end. I give up so easily in everything I do, whether it's piano, violin, or any other hobbies. I'm terrified and grossed out by anything sexual. I always feel lonely and hated even when I'm around people who assure me they love and care about
me. I'm a bitter, passive-aggressive person. I'm selfish. I have terrible luck. I'm below-average in everything I do or ever try to do. I think I have ADD and OCD.
I have had mysterious and intense back pains for the past couple years and no doctors can find the cause. I push people away constantly, and I don't even know the reason why. I don't want to die, I just want to be a ghost and drift from place to place as a spectator. I always procrastinate, and I know that's normal, but it's always because I'm "busy" refreshing Tumblr or Twitter. I've tried to detach myself from those websites but I always go back. I can never concentrate on anything. Whenever I'm listening to/watching anything, I always pretend that I'm a part of it.... I pretend to be the person singing, and everyone in my school is in awe, or I'm the actress in that show I'm watching, and everyone praises me for my acting prowess. I've tried to stop doing that but no matter what I just keep creating fake scenarios like that in my head.
I'm a deplorable person who has done awful, manipulative things to my own best friends. I once did something that made my friends think I had gone to, just so I could gauge their reactions and see them talk about
how much they care about
me/worry about
me. When I was called out on it by one of them, who noticed that I was actually still online and just reading all the reactions, I personally apologized to each of them, but not without making up some bullcrap excuse. This is NOT the kind of thing that I would do nowadays, but I still feel heavy guilt over that and other events like it. I regret my past self, and would do anything to reverse my stupid lies. I can at least take solace in the fact that I'm probably not as awful as I used to be. What I did was disgusting, though, and I can't forgive myself for it. I've even considered dropping my entire current group of friends because I can't help but feel our entire past together is just a bunch of fabricated lies, with me pulling the strings, and I just want to let that go permanently and get a new start.
It probably sounds like I focus on nobody but myself, but the truth is the exact opposite. I do everything in my power to make those around me happy, even at my own expense. I protect them, stand up for them, listen to their troubles... I feel like that's my only current purpose in the world. But I'm disposable in that regard.
I'm starting to lose interest in the hobbies I already have. I'm losing interest in Twitter and Tumblr, I would delete my accounts but that would just leave me feeling even more lonely and bored. I'm running out of videos on Youtube that catch my interest. I still have more video games to play, but here's the thing:
I actually can't muster the motivation to even play video games. And now I'm on Christmas break, and I don't know what to do with myself. I've been reading some manga to distract myself, but everything I find myself reading is incredibly dark and depressing and just ends up making me feel even emptier. I'm even tired of all the songs I listen to, as I've listened to each of them at least 100 times each.
I've wanted to myself for years now, but I won't. There are so many ways to kill yourself, but there's still a slim chance that you'll fail and just end up ruining yourself even more. So I'll keep on living and savoring the happy moments, the confident moments, the fun moments.
But, basically, what this is all winding down to.... is that I really want to change myself. I used to be so artistic, but nowadays drawing just stresses me out. I used to read all the time, but nowadays my mind just wanders as soon as my eyes meet the page. I used to be fawned over because I was so intelligent, but ever since then I haven't gotten much smarter and now my intelligence is probably just slightly below average.
If I end up doing nothing over Christmas break, I know I'll hate myself for it. Because of that, I know I should get up and do something.... but what's the likelihood that I actually will? Instead I'll write a long brooding post that nobody will read on a forum.
Sorry about
that long rant. I'm so sorry. But thank you.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/20/2013 8:03:31 PM (GMT-7)