depressed boyfriend broke up with me, says he doesn't feel the high of "infatuation". I'm

Hi, sorry this is kind of long, I am looking for some perspective, and I am new to this site. If anyone is willing to take the time to read this and give me feedback, I would tremendously appreciate it because I am seriously struggling right now.

I have battled on and off depression myself for a number of years. I had been healthy, happy, and doing really well for 4 years in a row up until about a month ago, when my now ex-boyfriend decided to end things, seemingly out of the blue for me. We are in our 20's, and had known each other for a couple of years, but were living in different parts of the country for a good portion of that time, so we were not dating for that entire period. When we met it was clear we had a real connection and were cut from the same cloth, and we dated for several months and everything was great until he disappeared for awhile because of his severe depression. Things hadn't reached a very serious level at that time but were progressing in that direction. We didn't see anyone else during the time we were living far away, and reunited when we were both living (relatively) closer to each other at the end of this past summer/ beginning of the fall (He lives a few hours away). Although things were naturally a bit less familiar after a long period of not seeing each other, the feelings we had for each other were still clearly there, as we both felt it and acknowledged to each other. He still battles serious depression but keeps it at bay with medication that has been working for him. After meeting up several times as friends, we decided to date again, and we entered a relationship. His depression was still clearly there but we got along really well, really enjoyed each other's company, had good chemistry, missed each other when we were apart, and I assured him I would always be supportive of him. Since he lived a few hours away, we would get together on weekends.

After a few months of being together and everything going seemingly well, he said right after Christmas saying he wanted to talk. He claimed that despite being very attracted to me, both physically and personality wise, he did not feel the "high" of infatuation he felt he needed out of a relationship. Now, just to add some perspective, he has only been in a relationship or even really dated one other person that lasted several years when he was a teenager. They broke up because they had "grown apart," which most likely means the infatuation had died I realize now, because we all know that infatuation is a fleeting thing and is different from real love. Also just to add, I wouldn't say I was "infatuated" with him either. I liked him a lot, and that's how he felt about me too, and my feelings were building in a more gradual way over time without all the obsessive and intrusive thoughts associated with infatuation.

This was different for me as well, as the two serious relationships I have had in the past (and failed, might I add) also had that head over heels instant infatuation, but after contemplating it and talking to other people about their successful relationships I actually realized that this was a really good, beautiful, and healthy thing. I realized it would take some more time to build that the instant lovestruck infatuation, which is more like lust anyway, but I really looked forward to what was growing between us. If you really care for someone, enjoy being with them, feel better and more fulfilled like they are adding something positive to your life, and also are attracted to them and have that kind of connection, why would you just throw it all away? I was in such shock. The only thing I can figure is that his severe depression factors into this. He said he thought so too, so he tried going off of his medication for a short time while we were together which was for himself but I guess also to see if it would change if he felt infatuation or not. Unfortunately because he has such a serious chemical imbalance in his brain that is beyond his control, he ended up feeling worse in general and with mood swings. I didn't know at the time that when he did this he was also testing to see if it would make infatuation kick in (although I don't see how in seeing me for just 2 days of being off of it that could make some sort of magic switch flip) and that he still felt the same. Therefore, he concluded that it must not be the depression and it must be me. So whereas the first time we fell out he did it because of his general depression and not wanting to isolate himself and not hurt other people, this time it was because of convincing himself that even though there is so much good to our relationship, that we must just not be the right fit because I do not make him "infatuated" enough. On a related note, I also want to add that along with his depression, one thing he told me that concerned me is he only feels "alive" at all in dangerous situations and living life on the edge. He is not particularly reckless and doesn't do anything like jump through fire but he is nevertheless attracted to risky things and apparently feels fairly dead the rest of the time. I imagine now this must be similar in a relationship sense for him, that even if a someone could be everything he might want out of a partner potentially and have so much in common with him, that if he doesn't get some sort of adrenaline rush, or the chemical rush that causes infatuation in this sense if you will, that he would throw everything away.

I think it is very sad that he apparently can't differentiate between what is infatuation and real love, and if he continues this way over time I think he will lead a very lonely life jumping from relationship to relationship just while that initial "high" of infatuation lasts. I have studied in science the mechanisms of how this actually occurs, and how it's been proven not to last more than a few years at most. This is something I learned about during our relationship and I really wish he would also have that epiphany because I firmly believe something good was blossoming between us and he pulled the plug too soon. I would have been supportive of him through thick and thin and honestly I am completely devastated. He had become my closest friend during this time and I really think he got me like no one else has in my lifetime, and I've met a lot of people. I myself have gone into a severe depression because I am in shock of all of this and simply cannot believe it.

I have been working hard to make sense of all of this, and I guess even though I have formed some of my own opinions about this as you can tell, I am looking to get further clarity from others out there who have had shared similar experiences. I have reached out to a lot of people I know but unfortunately none of them have been in a comparable situation and dated someone as severely depressed and tortured. Maybe I should have waited for him to be in a better place in his life before going into a relationship with him, but unfortunately depression is just a part of who he is and will always be. I think that he has potential to make progress as I think he has some over the past few years since I have known him, but I was willing and hoping to be by his side now. I am such a caring, empathetic, and nurturing person which is why I am careful with who I share my emotions with, because people have hurt me in the past. He is well aware of this and I really thought I could trust him and that we would make more of an effort. In the relationship he could have made more efforts with me in various ways but I was patient and understanding because of his depression so I never criticized him.

Because of my own past depression, this breakup has really not only upset me because of losing him and him behaving in my mind so childishly, but also because it has triggered feelings from my past of people taking me for granted. I hope this is a judgment-free zone because I have to admit that this event has made me want to take drastic measures. That is a part of who I am and although I have worked on it and been strong up until now, feeling betrayed and rejected by the person I care about and trust the most is completely devastating. Sadly if he came to his senses I would still hear him out, but I think he is really immature in this sense and has a very narrow perspective when it comes to relationships and what they should be and what is healthy. He convinced himself therefore that there is no future potential or hope for us romantically, which I think is ridiculous, and mentioned that "maybe after awhile we can be friends." I miss him to death, especially talking to him because I feel we understand each other in a really rare way, but I don't think I could give him all the benefits of my friendship after this while he chases some chemical high with other girls. I hope someday he will see things in perspective but I doubt his eyes will open right now with such limited experience of meeting and connecting with women.

I may end up sending this post along to him as a way to get out some of the things I would like to say to him. I was in such shock when he ended things that I didn't have time to really process or express how I feel about it all. It's been miserable every single day and I have been fighting urges of because I had such high hopes for him and connected with him in a way I don't with other people. Not talking to him is absolutely killing me because I cared for him both as a romantic partner and as one of if not my closest friend. He has not made any effort to contact me. A week ago at the advice of some of my close friends, I sent an email expressing how upset I was with this situation and how he has gone about all of this. It felt good to get at least a little bit of it out, and I told him not to respond. Then I found out he joined a dating website the next day and I felt my heart break all over again. And that's how it is every day now, my heart breaks all day, I cry, and I have really devastating vivid nightmares with him in them that leave me stressed out for the whole day. I have been trying to stay busy with school, friends, professional help, exercise, and hobbies but I just can't get him out of my system. I really can't believe all of this. I actually feel worse and more depressed with each day. It took me many, many years to fully get over my last boyfriend (until I met him actually). I don't think I can go through that again. I really care for him and want him to realize some of these things, though I know he has to come to these understandings himself. I know he will deeply regret it one day and realize all the good we had but he gave up too soon and I think his depression got the best of him and he ended up in his mind putting the blame of feeling numb in general on me.

Thank you kindly if you took the time to read this saga... I REALLY appreciate it and would love to feel less alone in all of this. Right now I feel completely alone since no one I know can relate and it just makes me feel like dying. Sorry if I didn't give enough details here and there about certain things, I can try to help clarify if that's the case.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/1/2014 7:46:09 PM (GMT-7)

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. And I'm sorry for those mistakes I made on my post, I didn't realize and I apologize.

Hello

I would like to say I am sorry you feel this way and I would like to see if I can try to help a little, i had a similar experience about 10 weeks ago where I saw my boyfriend who I thought was going to be my life partner, change and become low and distant, he then explained that he felt tired and stressed and it and it not surfaced before, I saw him change and slowly become the opposite to who I new, moody,angry,tired, forgetful, then depressed, we were very close but he had planned to travel abroad for 6 months which he does yearly, the problem was as it got closer he saw less of me and I started to panic and started to ask questions and make demands, this sadly resulted in me not seeing him on his last day and when I called it was to late, he had left for the airport and told me he wanted to go separate ways he said he needed to be alone and that he couldnt give me what I was looking for, he was angry but at the time I new he was struggling with life and leaving so when said had a good chritmas you will be fine and he put the phone down on me...You will understand how I felt at this time and for many weeks after, empty, lost, emotional, desperate, confused, weak, and depressed and in shock. they need to be alone but us left behind feel more alone and broken..

I did not know what to do, so I spoke to friends and people I work with, family,and I also posted on here, all these things were very healing, and although i still felt disappointed and sad, each day I grew and regained my strength.. I let myself cry when I have to, but I eventually stopped myself becoming obsessed with him and the relationship as it was like an addiction.. we get high off adrenaline that is good for us , but also high of negatives so you have to take a step back now and try to change the way you think because it will be harder to move on with this obsession.

Time and friends are the most healing part of this process but you also have to do some work too, it has been 10 weeks now and I still miss him, he hasn't gone on a dating site like your ex, but I see pictures of him on facebook of his travels with his arms round other girls, this hurts me deeply, but I do not react, I see that he is struggling and trying to convince himself that ending something with a person who loved him was a much better choice and taking pictures with girls and showing the world how good a time he is having is making his desicion more real for him I know he is very low and will regret this and I haven't deleted him, why, so he can carry on knowing I am not interested enough to and be there if he needs me at some point when he comes back down from his manic faze, but how I do this is to only log on once a month and not look at his page....


You have to understand that you can not make a man love you and if they have a problem it is even harder, think of how you feel now, that is not a good place for you to be, I feel this man will do this to you again and again, is the type of life and relationship you would like for yourself, heart ache grief and pain, because each time he does this you will feel worse.It is soul destroying
Please gain some inner strength and have some love and respect for you instead of spending all of your energy on wanting someone who makes you feel in so much pain, your emotions and body are telling you its not right because a person who cares does not make another feel so sad do they..

If you love or care for yourself and this person and he has got depression you can only do what I did for my partner, let him go without a fight, let him see you are there if he returns and he may realise he can trust you because you are strong and letting someone with depression go shows them you understand them.
Do not contact him or look for him anywhere on facebook etc.. write your feelings down everyday but dont send them and do not send the letter you wrote here, it will only make him feel guilty or push him away..

It is so hard, but if you try to do some things for yourself and gain some confidence you will soon learn that you deserve someone who thinks of you as much as you do them.
I sold my tv, joined a swimming pool, registered to do a charity run and I have book to volunteer to work abroad instead of a holiday, so I can do something good but meet different people..



I have heard from my ex, twice only, but this shows i am in control and I don't need him, and it most probably is driving him made to not see I am on line. But he knows he can talk to me when I am there because I did not chase him, I agreed with everything and walked away. He has no reason to ignore me. i don't know if we will get back together, but that is because I am unsure If I want a man who can walk away, have no contact and post pics of girls on the net, but that will be for me to choose when or if he tries..

We are good people who love to much, be strong, heal you, then worry about others.

If they are daft enough to walk away, you be smart enough to let them go..

sending you positive thoughts..

Lily.

I am going to tell you the same thing I told PaigeC.

I can only say that trying to hold on to someone that does not want the relationship is futile.

Depression or not, it won't work. I don't know your BF, but I do not like it when people use the "depression" as a reason the end a relationship.

Depression is an illness, just any any other chronic condition. It can be managed if the person wants it to be.

Move on with your life, you deserve better.

Peace