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Does Depression Ever go Away?

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Depression
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Posted 2/1/2014 8:40 AM (GMT 0)
I signed up for this in 2010, my last post was 2013. Last year I was blessed with extraordinary opportunities, and I'm so grateful for all that. BUT why do I keep feeling down and wanting to lock myself in the room all the time?

Recently, I started having flashback from when I got raped in 2012, and I started having regrets about chances I didn't take, about letting bad people into my life, about my abortions, about not being able to accomplish what I have set for myself. ALL IN ALL, it came down to me thinking I'm not a good person and how dirty I am.

Nights after nights, I have been crying myself to sleep, sleep for no more than 4 hours, and not wanting to wake up. Sometimes, I felt like and thought about doing something stupid like self harm, but I remember that I made a promise to myself that I won't do that anymore and I'm better than that. I tried to smile and look at the bright side, somehow that's not enough to keep my tears from falling down.

A lot of people in my life now are mostly family because I learned to burn bridges, but with that I also learned that I'm too afraid to cross new bridges as well. But even my family isn't supporting my dreams, and often let me down and made me feel like I'm one lazy, not accomplished bum. I graduated with my master in Healthcare Emergency Management, but I cannot find a jobs, I got rejected from at least 30 jobs I applied to. I don't have a lot of work experience because as I was growing up, helping with the family business was a must from when I was 14-24. I am now 25, had one year of work experience and some odd jobs here and there. I felt like I have been living for other people, and that I'm afraid of what I might do if I don't have a purpose anymore. I keep having doubts, what if what if…and thinking that led me to thinking what if I kept my babies? what if I have done this instead of that, then I slowly feel a deep dark cloud on top of my head, then come the tears. I don't talk to anyone anymore, I just cry and I'm afraid of looking at people and meeting people now. What is it that I'm facing? Is it depression? Does it ever go away?

I've faced so many things in my life that I don't wish upon anyone. I just want to let it out, but I can't. I kept having dreams about wanting to scream out loud but no word comes out. It's the same as my reality, I can't talk and express my feelings anymore. I'm losing interests in everything and everyone. I losing determination and losing a big part of me if people are continuing to bring me down. I want to search for a purpose of my being, I just hope I find it instead of looking for a purpose for not being here anymore. Does this kind of thinking ever go away, do regrets ever make a person forget and move on?

I'm sorry for rambling on, I guess I should get on here more often since I bottled a lot of things inside lately.
Posted 2/1/2014 10:50 AM (GMT 0)
My thyroid was removed, my doctor believed In the "start low and go slow" theory of titrating the replacement hormone. It was exasperating, but probably justified. You have a college degree, perhaps starting low and going slow is justified as well. A person with a degree can move much farther in a job than a person without, that is the nature of modern businesses, but one must first have the job.

Certainly writing helps, and expressing your thoughts and feelings on a forum can help, but specificity will land you more direct assistance than generalization. During a safety seminar, I attended a class on Industrial Hygiene, being taught by a doctor. The conversation digressed and we talked about symptom presentation when an individual visits their doctor. He said address the doctor with the more significant symptoms, and that with more than three symptoms (unrelated) the doctor stops listening. Although we fear this disorder or that, many of us discuss too many aspects of our fears and overwhelm the doctor.

My wife and I used to rent a home in the country for weekends and vacations. Nearby was an Amish community, and we became casual friends with a couple that owned a store. My wife and I appreciate the Amish, simplicity of life, they don't seem to try to analyze their lives for special significance, they just exist. I think that we tend to over analyze things, I think it comes with intelligence, and the way we are taught to comprehend life. My therapist talks about living in the now, I think that is related.

The best way to reduce regrets is to eliminate the behavior that causes them. I have a relative that apparently is now in jail. He drinks and totals his car, then drinks and totals his car, then drinks and fights. Call me silly, but to my untrained eye, he has a drinking problem. A whimsical definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If, after crashing his first car, he would have sought help for drinking, he wouldn't be in jail now. Many of us become involved in destructive behaviors, a coworker was just fired for downloading sexual material at work. Anyone with computer access at work realizes that YOU DO NOT DOWNLOAD SEXUAL MATERIAL if you want to keep your job, but he did it anyway. And he lost his job. My relaitive and coworker both have regrets, but by not making changes in their lives they have compounded them.

Be well.

Post Edited (JungRulz) : 2/1/2014 6:15:29 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/1/2014 12:39 PM (GMT 0)
I think you have to acknowledge your past, deal with it, then move on. Maybe you haven't dealt with it in your own mind. Do you see a counselor? They can help you a lot with these types of problems. They can help you to get closure. You got to stop blaming yourself and others. Just start fresh everyday.

Coming here helps too though.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/1/2014 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hello ......

   You have been thru a great deal .... and probably more than it appears by simply reading your post. I think you realize that shutting down communications - or your inner thoughts more importantly - is not the best thing for you. I'm sure it's a part of a self-protection device ... but it does need to get out.

   I firmly believe you do need to develop a trusting relationship with a trained professional in some specialized area of grief counceling. You have many areas that need to be dealt with. While talking here can be a relieving experience and should be very healthy .... you do need so much more in depth professional help.

   Please don't think of that in any kind of a threatening way or some kind of a failure. We all need help at times - some more than others. The failure is when one refuses that they do need help!

   For your info .... I have two daughters both older than you - and one with an M.A. I have been to a specific counselor (psychologist) three very different times in my life for three different reasons. I found that a talk counselor worked best for me. The first one was a lady PHD. who was just great!

   The second one was a couples counselor - and she was not so great. The last one was or is a male PHD who specializes in dealing with terminal illnesses. He's good!

   My point is ..... it would be healthy for you to break your self-defense mechanism ... that is of keeping most everything inside. You do need to find a professional you can trust - but please try doing that!

   In the meantime - keep writing here when you feel the need.

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

 

Posted 2/5/2014 8:19 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all, reading your comments help me a lot. Right now, I haven't able to find a job; therefore, I cannot afford to go see a psychologist. I will definitely look into it when I'm financially stable. I still have sad thoughts and images of the past, hoping in time, I can let go of the past and look forward. I need a lot of time to adjust and look for a job that I can stay busy on my feet. My education is qualified, but I don't have a lot of work experience, so I keep getting rejections from jobs after jobs. I am going to try and keep moving, hopefully one day; someone will give me a chance so I can afford to see a psychologist to discuss my issues. In the meantime, I hope to hear more comments from you all. I def plan to write more often.
Posted 2/5/2014 11:01 AM (GMT 0)
Deann,

To be sexually violated the way that you were is a tough thing to over come. I refusedhelp and never knew who did that hhorrible thing to me, I simply thought that if I tried to put it a side it would not be real. Well that is a big fat lie! This has happened to you and the more that you face it the better off you will be, I had to revisit where it happen and cry and even be extremely mad over it all before I could move on with my life. It was scary to think of myself being hurt so badly and never trying to figure out why or who. I replayed that night every night for two uwats and after eleven I still do at times, I have very few friends and have been married and divorced twice and I know that my attitude toward sexual activity is partly to blame and yet I refuse to fall back into the pattern of trying to male heads or tails of it again.

I have never delt with this in counseling as I have more pressing issues but one day I will and that will be the hardest thing ever. I never told anyone about that night until I was 21 and 7 years later I do not talk about for fear that it will cause too much distress. I pray you do not do the same thing as I have done.

Please for your emotional health come to terms with this horrible issue as soon as possible. This will effect more than you know in your life. I know it has in mine.
Posted 2/7/2014 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
While dealing with the past can be useful for some, I found it of limited use for me. What helped me was learning coping skills taught in CBT that enable to deal with whatever comes your way. I am a new much improved person today as a result. If you can't afford CBT therapy go to your library and read the book we used called Been there, Done that? DO This! by Sam Obitz and try the TEA form thought countering exercise in it. I think if you use it daily you will be surprised how much better you will be feeling after a few months. Best of luck to you!
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