Advice needed. Suspect ex-fiancé has depression when he left.

Hi,

It's my first time posting here and I feel like I need advice as I have not dealt with people in depression before. Especially a loved one. Sorry it's gonna be long!

I've known my ex now for 7 years, with the last 3-4 years as a loving couple ( at least in my eyes). He proposed a year ago and we had plans to have the wedding end of this year before he called it all off 2 weeks ago.

Prior to the break up, it had been a difficult 3 weeks after I confronted him over my insecurities regarding the relationship due to stress from work & planning of the wedding and that I observed he was texting another female colleague very frequently (cause of my jealousy).

After the confrontation, he told me he couldn't feel love for me nor anyone else including his family suddenly. And that flashbacks of his traumatic childhood keeps going through his mind which he can't get rid of. For many years in his childhood, his parents threatened divorce on a yearly basis I knew he was bothered by this in the past (when we were still friends), but since being with me, he has been able to let go and enjoy life. He has never mentioned that the flashbacks happened still, though now I suspect perhaps he did experience them at certain low points of our relationship.

Now, all of a sudden, after my confrontation, he decides he wants to be alone instead and has left me since he confessed he can no longer feel love and is numb. He has decided that he will never be involved in another relationship as well. So that leaves no hope of reconciliation on my end. I'm feeling depressed as well since then, but have noted some symptoms and have scheduled a therapy session for myself

I've been advised by friends (including "how to get over a breakup" articles online) to move on by establishing no contact (NC). I had been reluctant to as I value and love him a lot still. And that if he is truly depressed, I should be by his side supporting him.

Symptoms I have observed about him since the confrontation includes
1) lack of interest in hobbies and previous activities he enjoyed. He tells me he cannot understand the word "enjoy" anymore
2) isolation from friends and family. He is immersing in work and having meals all alone by himself!
3) is unable to sleep at night. Waking multiple times
4) frequent headaches
5) says he feels numb
6) lies in bed and waits until he can fall asleep after a long day at work

It has been going on for 4 weeks without improvements.
I worry so much that I feel depressed myself (including hurt from his leaving).

I'm the only person who knows his traumas. None of his friends know and he refuses to confide in anyone nor me anymore.
I spoke abt going to a therapist but he says he won't as he cannot trust anyone including me. He denies he is having depression cause he doesn't feel depressed.

Now, I would like to support him but I'm not sure if I can given my current emotional state. Yet I'm afraid that if I leave him alone, he'd sink deeper. Can NC really work in this special case??

Can anyone advise if he is indeed going through depression or am I reading too much? Sometimes I feel like I'm giving myself an excuse to keep in contact with him. But it hurts me more as well if I continue to contact him. I would like to heal myself yet I don't want him to worsen.

What should I do when he is refusing professional help?
Should I even let go when he's feeling like this?

Thanks!

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/7/2014 4:24:55 AM (GMT-7)

Thanks for the reply. I am sorry for posting something that's not allowed. Yes, I think posting makes me feel better and I guess it's true if the person doesn't want to recover, we can't force it. No matter how it hurts those around him.

I'll try to support while not neglecting myself. Then, I'll have to decide if it's time to let go..

Hello ......

   You mentioned you spoke about going to a therapist. He does not want to go - but I think you would gain great benefit yourself by going alone. There's a good chance you'll gain some insight from a therapist as far as what may be going on - or more importantly, what role you should take!

   A couples counselor cannot work unless both parties really want to go to find out what options there honestly might be. Please be prepared or more than one therapy session! And try to consider the positives you'll gain as a person from going to several sessions.

   He is denying he's depressed because of what he does or doesn't feel. It's just called denial. It is so common. It is perhaps a type of self-defense mechanism. However, as long as he feels this way, he's not likely to get better. A therapist might help that - but he needs to allow himself to trust first.

   One other thing .... you must care for yourself first - before you can ever seriously think of caring for him. Whether or not you should do the NC is your choice only. It would be a great question for you to ask a therapist .... but you couldn't expect an answer unless you went to the therapist often enough for that person to better understand you and your situation.

   No simple answers I'm afraid. But don't question asking them!

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

 

HI Caring heart,

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for your post of advice.

I hope you continue to post...

Hugs, Karen...