Posted 2/22/2014 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you will return, vdogg. I think you were brave to talk so honestly about this. I can relate to much of what you said and I'm in my late 30s. Physically, I was an early developer and 'blossomed' long before any sexual feelings did. I hated it. I turned into a complete prig (not saying you were; only talking about me). Hadn't been brought up in a religious household, but there wasn't a single kind, caring, loving sentiment to be heard anywhere. I wasn't sexually abused, but I didn't get a good message about sex. At 16, I stumbled upon the Jehovah's Witnesses through my then "best" friend's mother, who was a JW. Because I went to their house so much anyway, I also ended up going to JW meetings and having 1-to-1 sessions. No, I never converted... *knock knock* - not that they didn't try, but in the end I just knew deep down I didn't really believe.
I still wish had never got involved, because I think it only served to further increase my distrust and fear of sex. It also made me more homophobic - not that I remember any gay hate talk along the lines of what you see written on placards in America, but the religion was against homosexuality. Now I'm ashamed that I ever was.
Anyway, I managed to go through my teens, 20s and 30s without ever having a relationship or sex. The discovery of the internet made it abundantly clear I had some deeply unhealthy attitudes. I had a bottomless well of rage. When I was at school, I was quite overweight, wore glasses, had an awful haircut, hairy legs, etc. I felt physically repulsive, even after managing to lose some weight and learning to shave my legs: there was no 'Plain Jane' transformation here. I felt rejected by the entire opposite sex, after years of taunting by my older brothers (not playful, good-hearted stuff; this was meant to hurt me and it did), a remote father, and finally every other lad in existence after that. I felt like nobody could ever fancy me physically. It wasn't even like I was "one of the lads" in a tomboyish way: I had absolutely no small talk of any kind, including laddish.
It was genuinely a relief when I lost all interest in that side of life in my 30s due to severe Crohn's, with all the knock-on effects that has: I was too ill to be interested in sex. My interest slowly came back after surgery. I was sort of annoyed but just decided to try and accept it for what it was, since any other course of action had been a raging disaster. I needed to examine my past behaviour and to try to think/feel differently from that. At the very least I wanted to drop the crushing guilt. Guilt is a great emotion when you've actually done something wrong, like stealing: that's a sign of having a conscience. But when it comes to stuff that doesn't actually harm anyone, then it does far more harm than it ever does good.
I'm not out of the woods yet by a long way. I still can't come to terms with my body shape unfortunately. Still a lost cause at small talk. I'll probably die a virgin (ever the optimist). But at least I'm not as ****ed up as I was 10 or 20 years ago: at least I sincerely hope not.
I really do hope and wish you find acceptance with your body. Anyway, if it means anything, I for one appreciate your honesty: it's made me feel slightly less of a freak.