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Posted 2/10/2014 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi.

I hope it's not rude to drop my problems in my first post here.

I started taking drugs to depression (Paroxetina, Xanax, Socian and pills for sleep) last year after my first time with a psychiatrist. I was depressed and had a nervous breakdown. It didn't help to be stuck with an abuser and rude boss from 12 to 15 hours a day. So I decided it was finally time to resolve something I was suffering (or not feeling what I was supposed to) for years.

Last Friday I consulted a psychologist, my first time again, because even if I'm just taking now half of a pill of Paroxetina each morning and my last appointment with a psychiatrist was 4 months ago, I never felt ok. It was hell. I left with tears in my eyes and wasn't capable to stop them for a long time. I talked about lot of things, some of them were in a place where I kept my bad memories and traumas, a place that was fortified just for I stop thinking about them. After that day, I started taking xanax again on mornings and sometimes afternoons because I am anxious and completely out of sense.

I'm broken. I was bullied since kindergarden and didn't stop until I left that hateful city to start college somewhere far away. I didn't have any close friends until I was 21 old and my parents... was hard to start loving them and I hate what they did to me and to my brothers. No one ever supported me in any particulary field, so I was forced to fight alone in all my life.

I want to get better but I feel like I'm falling in debt just to treat a disease with more than a decade of existence in me and it doesn't want to leave. I'm poor, helpless and weak. I've wasted all of my strength being beat by life and struggling with responsibilities.

How can my mind be my worst enemy? It's the only thing I can use in this world and she's kicking my ass!

In two days I have my second appointment with a psychologist and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing another fight that I want desperately win.

So I have to ask this. When does psychotherapy start taking effect? In one year? I know the cure is slow but I can't stop the time. If I am to survive, I have to plan and create escape routes. I don't want to deal with this alone with myself again, my mind drives me crazy.

Is seeing a psychotherapist my only hope?
Posted 2/10/2014 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Seeing a psychologist really helps. I wouldn't be surprised if you feel better after the next visit. All of our journeys are unique to us though.

Taking the medications helps. And learning coping skills such as deep breathing and meditation. It takes you to a quiet peaceful place in your mind.

Many of us had bad childhoods, but you can get past that. You recognize it for what it is and then you move on. I am sure you are going to be feeling better soon. You are trying really hard.

Ask if your mental health facility would work on a sliding scale to get your payments lower. They might be into that. We do have to be proactive with our mental health and it does get costly. Have faith that you will feel better, and things will get better for you. A lot of it is a positive attitude.

Keep hanging in there, coming here helps. Welcome to the forum. You will be hearing from others soon.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/10/2014 5:13 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I am struggling myself right now and I have an appt with a therapist this evening. I know I will leave more broken than I went in, but I know that this is going to take time to work on. I need to lean on someone outside of my family and friends right now and that is where therapy comes in. It is going to be a journey, but it is a journey I desperately need to begin to have hope of healing.

I don't think anyone can say how long your journey will be, but you have taken the first steps and that is huge.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. This is tough right now, but sharing will help.
Posted 2/10/2014 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, helps be listened.

I already talked with my psychotherapist that my health insurance doesn't fund psychotherapy and he was open to reduce the cost of the weekly appointment but it's still very expensive besides being the cheapest place I've looked. Especially when my 6 month contract ends in the next month and I have no idea if it's gonna be renewable.

I talked with myself so many times that I'm going to be surprised if there's anything in my life that I didn't analyse but I'm not going to quit therapy.

I tried to meditate, not so many times I admit, but the thing with my mind is that I can't shut it off. I concentrate in my breathing and when I start enjoying the silence, I realize I was only ignoring voices in my mind and they never were silenced.

I want to have faith that things will get better but my pride is hurt because I'm useless, I can't do anything besides talk and repeat to myself that everything is going to be ok.
I pity myself and it hurts.


I love life but she's troublesome, always trying to bring me down.
Posted 2/10/2014 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
You will find that life is going to start co-operating with you. She wont always be trying to bring you down, though at times, that is just life...

When you do your meditation, work on relaxing your muscles. From head to toe. Focus on everyone of them as you go down, feel it relax. By the time you get to your toes, you will be in a meditative state. Know that practicing it is doing it and it is always benificial. Even if you can't meditate long. When you focus on your muscles relaxing and your breathing, it makes it easier to clear your mind. I am glad you have tried it, keep it up...

Mindfulness, I forgot to mention, it really helps you cope. In the first thread called "resources", you will find a link to mindful.com I believe. I can't remember it off hand.

I really hope that you feel better soon.

Kate, I don't know if I have welcomed you to the forum, so "welcome"...

I hope you both have a good day.

You are both on a healing journey right now...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/11/2014 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hello .......

   You've mentioned or used the term psychotherapy ... and mentioned that you go to a psychiatrist (primarily for meds likely) and to a psychologist recently (for talk therapy I'm guessing). Is the psychologist the person you are referring to as the psychotherapist?

   I'm guessing all the above is true or accurate. Please, please keep going to the psychologist. There can be no timeframe set for the help anyone needs ... but I think you'll find if a session is somewhat painful of something in the past (crying time) - you'll feel much better very soon about that issue of the past.

   You need the release of tension - let's call it - to get better. The more times this happens, the easier it will get. I hope you do have a good psychologist, as they can vary in their effectiveness.

   I have used three different psychologists over the course of 18 years. The first one was excellent - and on a sliding fee basis - and she did uncover some of my unknown problems from childhood, as well as, working with my guilt-complex and my social self-isolation. Also, it was just a few years after my divorce and I had two daughters involved - so I had a ton of issues to deal with - in addition to the death of my Father during the same timeframe. I went to her for over 15-months - starting weekly and in time bi-weekly - with the last few being monthly visits.

   The second one about 10-years later was for two of us with a couples counselor. In 5 or 6-sessions, we stopped ... mostly because my partner couldn't handle the counselor digging into her past too much.

   The last or current psychologist I have only seen about 6-times over the course of more than 2-years. He specializes in terminal cancer ... he's very good ... and I just don't need to see him very much.

   So ...... there is no way to tell how long any therapist or counselor can take with a patient for their best interests.

  Please do pursue it ... and try not to expect too much too quick. Also keep working with the other self-help tecniques that others had mentioned. Proper breathing certainly helps to relax - and reduce anxiety levels.

   Keep positive.

Rob & Gizmo

  

Posted 2/12/2014 4:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Diniki. Just wanted to post and let you know I was thinking of you and hoping you were having a good day. I saw my new therapist onto day night and as I suspected I was left feeling raw afterwards, but better now that I've had some time to process. I am going back next week. Enough about me--as I said, I just wanted you to know someone was thinking of you. I hope you are able to continue to see your psychologist and work on your feelings there.
Kate
Posted 2/12/2014 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
Should be "on Monday night" not "onto day night". Autocorrect got me!
Posted 2/14/2014 11:57 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, thank you so much for your answers.

Gizzy'n me said...
Is the psychologist the person you are referring to as the psychotherapist?"


Yes it is. I think I'm going start call him just psy.

Last wednesday I've gone to the second appointment. I talked about my parents and my brothers. It wasn't like last time, I didn't cry and was able to talk about just one topic, but yesterday I had to miss work. I was in a anxious state, didn't get enough sleep and was crying a lot. Today I'm better and working but still anxious while stopping some tears. It doesn't help that I no longer have a trunk hidden in my mind to hold bad memories, I think I destroyed it on wednesday. Some of those memories torment my mind and I'm trying to deal with them by ignoring or keep them in stand by.

Sometimes I think I'm making this to myself, that I'm lying about problems and craving attention. Other times I just can't trust me, feel like I'm about to explode anytime without any reasonable explanation. In both times I realized I don't know me at all.

It bothers me not having a deadline or an estimated therapy's duration. When I started meds last year, I was positive to resolve this in a question of months. Now I don't think I'm lucky enough, reading your answers and looking back to who I was before the nervous breakdown erupt... it scares me, not the therapy part, but having to rebuild myself.

Still taking a morning xanax but I think I'm going to stop this weekend, don't want to be depending on that again, makes me numb. Sunday I'm going to a gazebo with my dog and try to meditate. Or at least do some breathing exercises!

Thanks for thought about me Kate and I'm sorry that I didn't reply before, but thanks and good luck for your fight :)
Posted 2/14/2014 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Diniki,

I don't think you are craving attention, I think you are craving help... Don't worry about how long you will need to be in therapy. I have been going for years. I am doing a lot better and often it is just like a check in. Or a girls conversation. But it always helps.

You are worthy of help and for somebody to care and support you. Hang in there, it will get better.

Take xanax as needed at least until you learn some coping skills for anxiety.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/17/2014 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi.

about half an hour ago I finaly became less anxious and calmer (I'm about 75% good now), but I had to take another 1mg of xanax (besides the one I'd already taken 4 hours ago).

It's bothering me these anxious attacks, especially when I don't even have stress in my work, I barely do anything as an intern (but tomorrow everything changes I hope!).

I'm antecipating a disaster with this method and unfortunately I didn't get a chance to try meditation in the last few days.

Before the xanax I tried to breathe, I sat on the bathroom and for a couple of minutes I only breathed, it didn't had a long term calm effect (10 minutes I think) and after that I was in my desk so focus in breathing again.

Did it was a bad decision? Take another 1mg of xanax after 4 hours of the first one? I didn't take any xanax on saturday or sunday.

My next appointment it's only friday since it's the safest option for not miss work the next day.
Posted 2/17/2014 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
I think one every four to six hours is normal for xanax. I only take two a day now. .25 mg... I use to take four milligrams a day. So it can be tapered off of if needed.

Try not to worry, just use the medication as needed. Hopefully you wont need as much when you get your coping skills figured out. The breathing really helps. In through the nose, out though the mouth. Called "smelling the roses and blowing out the candles" I hope that this helps.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/17/2014 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, it helped :)

I'm more relieved now.
Posted 3/10/2014 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there.

I don't know why I keep coming here. I don't mean to insult you, no way, but I can't explain why I kept this kind of journal with you. I think it's because no one knows that I'm dealing besides my boyfriend, all the people I know and some of my friends are kept with minimum information about me. It's my defensive side, not showing my weaknesses to anyone else. It doesn't work but now I don't know how to be different.

Last saturday I had lunch with a friend from college and I talked her about my mental health. I didn't thought much about what I was doing, I just felt bad for hiding from someone who never forgot me and even helped get me my actual job. It was harsh, I didn't talk too much, I say more words while writing than talking but I think I was too hard on her, I didn't mean to put her unconfortable and quickly changed subjects to some more funny. After that she kind of joke with me about an idea she had when we were studying, that me and another guy belonged to another universe, that she think of me as misterious and didn't have clues about my character. For my defense I don't agree with her, I don't see myself as a stranger, an alien, not anymore. I'm just discovering myself again.

I'm having trouble dealing with bad days. I try to filter thoughts, no thinking at all about some things and breath. But I get so emotional that my tears start blinding me and I can't relax. I did runs for crying in the bathroom more than I'm confortable to admit and some days I work 1 to 2 hours and then I have to leave. My boss is comprehensive and I'm being honest with him about my health, but there's so much I can't tell him that I feel like a liar, a child who doesn't want to work.

My psychologist has been talking to me about my sadness, when I became so hurt that started to ignore life and just do what most people do, study, work and being in a family. My past is claiming my present and future, I can't allow it but I can't ignore it, I have to deal with my memories and try to feel confortable. Somedays I'm desperate, others I'm just numb, most of the time I just don't know what I'm feeling. But every single day I wake up afraid.

I hope you're all ok :-)
Posted 3/10/2014 3:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

Keep working with your therapist. It really helps. It seems to me that you are progressing. We have tough spots, but it makes us stronger. Keep your chin up and hold your head high.

You are going to get through this.

I do better writing than talking too. So don't feel alone. It is hard to open up for fear we will get taken advantage of, or manipulated in some way. We feel vulnerable.


Hugs, Karen...
Posted 3/13/2014 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
Today was too much. Don't know how to explain myself, I just felt terrible. I cried, called my boyfriend more than a couple times, asked my psi to call me (still waiting for it), took xanax, did drink a whiskie after lunch and after all those things, I feel defeated. I had one objective for this week, work on office all these five days. I pushed myself to my very limits, I'm so tired that I think I'm going to fall down anytime. I don't have anymore tears to spend and I feel so sad that I wish I could cry, just to leverage my emotions.

Please, does anyone here leads with "attacks" (I still don't know what happened today) where you feel depressed and tearful while at work? I work on open space, advices?

Tomorrow is another day and I'm already discharged.
Posted 3/13/2014 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
Realize you did get through the day in tact... I know it is hard for you right now. But hold on...

Be careful taking xanax and drinking. Honestly even though drinking may make you feel good for the moment, it leaves us with a bad taste in our mouths. It causes us to go into a depressive state because alcohol is a depressant. I, myself, don't find a whole lot of use for it anymore. It always makes me feel out of control. And I don't like that feeling. I find my emotions get high when I drink, I feel sorry for myself. If I get angry, I can't control it. To me it is bad all around. I don't mean to sound like I am telling you what to do, I just want to make sure that you know, that the alcohol will not help the situation, and will probably make it worse. Be careful please...

Maybe you should set your goals to one day at a time. Instead of looking at the whole week, such as "work on the office all these five days" to "do my best tomorrow. Or today". I think looking at the whole week is too hard. Live for today. Take it one day at a time. I think you will find some pressure comes off by doing that. A little less stress on yourself.

I hope you don't feel like you are attacked here. Often things can get misinterpreted in text. We can only assume what the poster is saying. I hope I don't sound like I am attacking you in any way. I am just giving a little advice and telling you some of my experiences I guess. The only way I know how to share.

I know how you feel, I have been there. The thing that helped me is to slow down the thinking. Learn to pay attention to everything I was doing. Being mindful. Take things as they come. Only do one thing at a time. I am totally not a multitasker... But it freed my mind up to be able to enjoy life. I hope that this helps. I hope that you have a better day tomorrow. Maybe a nice bath or some relaxing music.

Take care...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 3/14/2014 2:28 PM (GMT 0)
Sometimes I drink a digestive after lunch, I often feel nauseous after eating and anti-acids don't work as well as a digestive. I was conscious about what you said, and no, I didn't take it as you're telling me what to do, I know you're just preoccupied.
Yesterday I was just out of options and because of that I just freaked out and tried everything.

Working a full week on office seemed like a small objective, I was trying to be less coward to deal with my system and refusing give it control of what I do.

I don't really am a valuable asset to this company but I'm working under some conditions because my boss cares for me and is nice enough to give me space in case I need it. I feel bad for not working and the pleasure for not working a day scares me because I think I'm still recovering from my last job where I had a nervous breakdown and still worked extra hours every week day without a day off. I started seeing a psychiatrist while I was there and the day they fired me was my happiest day in that time.

Thanks for your support Karen, today I'm a bit relaxed. Yesterday I took time for read before sleep and it cheered me up.
Posted 3/14/2014 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad you are feeling better. Take it easy and relax as much as possible. Maybe learn some small coping skills to do through out the day. Do you get the weekend off?

Hugs, Karen...

Working a stressful job is hard. I couldn't do it, though I don't know if I could work any job anymore...
Posted 3/14/2014 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, I already made plans to visit some places tomorrow afternoon. Distract myself and maybe be inspired to do something with my life.

said...
Working a stressful job is hard. I couldn't do it, though I don't know if I could work any job anymore...

That's too bad, I'm sorry. Sometimes I read along the forum and I think you do a fantastic job here. I hope it does you good :-)
Posted 3/14/2014 4:36 PM (GMT 0)
Oh it does Diniki,

It gives me so much pleasure to talk to you all... I get gratification from being a mod here. And just talking to everybody... I love this forum... And all of you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/9/2014 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

When I was a child I was able to play video games (most of time just watch) with my brothers with one condition, I had to sit in their friend's lap. Their friend had fun in touching me and I endured that just to be with them. I didn't wanted to be alone. One day he stoped because I've gathered courage to tell him that if he didn't stop touching me I was going to yell and tell my mother.

It stopped but I became different and betrayed. I was never able to trust in my family again because it happened in my parents house with family supervision and my mom in the next room. It wasn't only one time, several days passed until I decided I had a right to feel unconfortable. I as a child had to stop someone abusing me .

I remember and I can be certain of the facts but I never confronted my brothers, I just want to forget that they allowed their little sister to be abused in their room.

I don't know if it was after or before but I remember of someone trying to rape me in my room, but I'm not certain. I have just some grasps of memories, what pijama I was wearing, what he did said to me as he left me and what I answered. I don't remember a face.

I think it's a false memory but I believe it's true.

I'm struggling with thoughts and theories and I hadn't reached a conclusion yet. I already talked about it with my therapist and he say there's no way to discover if it's false or no.

I just know that if I have all the reasons to think it's false, I also have the reasons to think it's true.

If I think to much about it, I start crying and feeling anxious.
When I'm down I can't push it away from my mind.


Does anyone here find that had a false memory? Or does anyone did something to discover the truth?

I only told this to my therapist and after a couple months I also told it to my boyfriend, I'm ashamed of what happened and even more about I think happened.
Posted 5/9/2014 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
We can't change what happened. I still struggle as to whether or not thing are true memories or not. All I know is that the mind protects us and reveals things as we can handle them. Trust your mind. Trust yourself. You will remember when you are ready.

Work with the psychologist. Make the appointments and let them guide you. Work on getting stronger and the memories should fall into place as you get better.

You will be okay. I take Xanax too. It helps a lot.

I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs Karen
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