Incredibly Ashamed😪

Hi. I am Nineteen years old.

I have been struggling depression for quite sometime.
I was I. College to become a fashion design. But I took a yet off because I felt my depression increasing, it was expensive and it wasn't what I expected. I am going to go back I fal but nothing ever goes the way I expect it to go.

Anyway today I was in the car with my mom. She was yelling at me. We were arguing. I was angry and I wanted to go home. I hate arguging an yelling in general. She never let's things go and constantly goes on an on. I told her to stop the car. But she jut yelled im taking you home don't worry. Well. I jumped out of the car. I screamed I hate you. But I wasn't talking about my mom I was talking about myself.

My little sisters were I the back and I heard them scream and start crying. I got of the concrete and started walking trying to get away. My mom pulled a u turn and grabbed me begging me to just get in the car. She drive me home.

I texted her an apology, and my little sisters. She called me saying she was at the park crying. And wanting to know what SHE did to make me hate myself.

Then she goes on about how everyone's going to need therapy now. Making me feel even more worse than I already do. I am already embrassed and ashamed of my self. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know how I feel or what to do. I don't know how to make this right. And I'll never forgive myself.

It had nothing to do with my mother it was all me. I feel horrible. I hate myself more than I ever have. I have never been this sad and it's killing me. I don't know what's going to happen in my future, and I am confused with life in general. I don't know who I am or what I like, but I do know that I can't keep feeling this way. I bottle all my emotions up and then I explode or do something reckless.

My mom is an awesome mom. But she doesn't understand me. She just yells and makes it all about her. For once I want her to understand me. Or at least try. But that never happens.

Please don't tell me it will get better because it won't peor tell me that constantly and nothing ever happens EVER. Things just get worse in my opinion. So I'm jut going to keep living and going through the motions. Because what else can I do.

I just want to know how to make this right. So they can forget about it.

Hi Anonymouslyquiet,

I have done much more embarrassing things and feel like I'm just going to die but time and thinking usually makes it better ( oh no the better word). Are you seeing someone for your depression? Are you on any meds? I'm not in the know I am new to this group. It's a pity you had to drop out of fashion design - are you going back next year or midyear? how are you feeling now?

Nighting Gale

You are blaming yourself and hating yourself for everything. We are all human, we make mistakes.

I think you should talk to someone professional and tell them everything you told us. I am sure one could help you through this.

I know you didn't want to hear this, but it will get better. You just have to work on coping skills. Keep things open with your mom. Talk to her. I know she over reacts, but you can always walk away when she does.

Hang in there...

One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen...