Wife is depressed, says I deserve better and doesn't want to continue the marriage

Since December, my wife has been a different person. We had such a great marriage (4.5 years) and now everything is falling apart. She has gone through brief periods in the past, only a few days at a time, where she would wonder what the point of life was because she wasn't happy. But this went away in a couple of days and didn't pop up again for a long time.

She has always said she wishes she could spend every minute of every day with me. Everything changed in December. She quit showing any affection for me at all. When i would hold her, she would have no reaction at all. In early to mid December she got on an antidepressant (generic prozac). She took it for about a month, then quit. Then she got on lamectal in January, still no improvement. She has completely lost her sex drive. We used to have sex 4 times a week, but since December it was rare, and I always initiated it. Now we haven't had sex in two months. Because of this, it seems that she thinks she does not have feelings for me anymore. I have been staying with my parents and then back at my house for brief periods, until she has another breakdown.

She continuously tells me I don't deserve to go through this and I should just move on. A couple of times we have decided that it is over, but both times she changed her mind because she is afraid she will regret it down the line.

I can't convince her to get help. All she does is go to work, go home and watch tv, have a few glasses of wine and then sleep for 9-10 hours. She is not the same person I knew before this, but it seems like she has given up all hope. I just wish she would talk to a professional but she refuses to. Her mom has tried convincing her but it just upsets her.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't imagine my life without her, but if she won't get help what am I supposed to do? I don't want a divorce but it looks like that is where we are headed. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated, as i have no experience with depression and this whole thing came out of nowhere and advanced so quickly.

Thanks.

The lack of sex is now what hurts the most. What hurts the most is the complete lack of affection. I came back home last weekend because things were a little bit better. The happiest i had been in months was when i was laying in bed and we were holding each other. But a few days later and after she had a couple bad days at work, she was back to feeling like we shouldn't be together.

At this point i don't know what to do. Even her mom is telling me I should move on because I don't deserve to go through this. Her mom has tried talking to her about getting help but doesn't push too hard as she is afraid she will start to shut her out.

She is completely blocked off from everything as she is working 6 to 7 days a week and every weekend. It would help if she could visit her family a couple hours a way but she is always working. She loved her job at first (started 4 months ago), now she doesn't like it.

She is so back and forth with everything. Most of the time the only answer i get out of her is "I don't know."

Thundercould, Did you try to push your husband away during that time? I wish that she wouldn't push me away because I really do want to help her, but it seems like she wants nothing to do with me.

All i keep getting from my wife is that I shouldn't stay with her because I deserve better and she feels guilty for what she is doing. To me, i just think if that's the case, then try to do something to help yourself. If you feel guilty about what it is doing to me, why would you want to give up all hope and just tell me to leave you?

I feel like she doesn't want to try but wants me to be the one to ultimately make the decision to end it.

One more thing. The counselor told me to tell him they wouldn't be talking about his "problems" to just come so they could talk. Then they just talked about life, my sons interests, his thoughts on things. His hobbies etc my son really started to open up when he didn't feel like he was being analyzed or forced to talk about upsetting things. He even said to me don;t waste your money Mom hes not helping me all we do is talk about hockey and stuff. So he doesn't feel like he's in therapy but I see a huge difference. Whatever goes on in there is obviously more than just casual banter. He's more patient and communicative. Hes been more helpful around the house. He's left the house! So if you could find someone like that for wife to connect with vs being counselled about her issues it might be easier to convince her to go.

Hang in there. She's lucky she has someone so strong, committed and loving.

I wish i could bribe her with something to go talk to someone.

I forgot to mention earlier she has switched birth control 3 times in the last 6 months, so that cant be good for her hormones i wouldnt think. But then again, i dont know much about that kind of stuff. Ive read all over the place where side effects of birth control and antidepressants are decreased libido.

I cant decide whether i should give her complete space or stay in touch and see her at least a few times a week. I feel if i stay away its not going to help anything. Then again, i dont want her getting upset with something while im there because somehow that leads her to cry and say how i should move on so i can be happy.

i have considered talking to a counselor myself to c if that could help me understand the situation more and find out better how to handle it.

Ok, so first of all I'm not married and I don't have a boyfriend. And I'm only 19 years old. So take what I say with a pinch of salt. But the main reason I don't have a boyfriend is because I'm depressed, and I grew up in a home where my mum is depressed and my dad has stuck by her side the whole way through.

Sometimes when I'm in a dark depression, I feel worthless and like I am just a burden on other people. I don't want to be with the guy that I care for because I think he doesn't deserve to be with someone like me, he deserves someone better. In general, I tend to distance myself from the people in my life who care about me. I'm afraid of me hurting them and them hurting me. The only people who I allow myself to get close to are the ones who don't directly address or judge my depression/anxiety. The people who sympathise with how I feel, but don't condemn me for it. The person who listens to me vent without jumping down my throat about how I could/should be dealing with my emotions better. My best friend does this. Then when I do ask her for advice, she gives it gently and in a helpful, palateable way. Otherwise she just sympathises with me without trying to "correct" me. She is the only person that I truly trust; she has saved me from committing su---de in the past, just by me thinking of how she was the only one that cared for me (that's what it felt like at the time).

I feel better when someone else chooses to stay in the house with me, being there, available to talk to or just sit with. It really makes a difference. Because when I'm alone, I feel abandoned - like they've given up on me, so why shouldn't I just give up on myself? Actually, what saved me from those thoughts last year was getting a puppy. My puppy is the best thing for my depression. Before I got the puppy, I would struggle to get out of bed - but with the puppy, I want to get up, cuddle him, play with him, take him for a walk, feed him! It gave me a sense of responsibility and someone to love who couldn't say mean things to me, who would just love me unconditionally and be a bundle of joy and fun. I can honestly say that my puppy pulled me out of depression.

My dad has continued to be with my mum, despite her threats that she would leave (either the marriage or this earth). She has been depressed for 16 years now, and she hasn't actually ever left my dad - although she has run off a few times, but my dad would always go get her back. My dad has always been supportive of her through this, and I admire his patience and courage. After a few months of having the puppy last year, I felt motivated to move out of home and live in a better environment and change my life. I found somewhere to live where I can't have my puppy. I left my puppy with my parents (they wanted him!) and moved out of home. I am fine without my puppy (although I miss him!) now that I've been dealing with the emotional issues in my life - but I was the one who chose to deal with these things. Anyway, the puppy has been wonderful for my mother! Her depression has improved significantly since she now has my puppy, and I'm glad that he is ding her a world of good. He motivated me to change my life, now maybe he'll do the same thing for her!

Please stay with your wife. It's only been a few months - she may even pull out of it yet. There's a chance that if you did break up, she may lose all hope of living and just give up entirely. I think you should live at home, but perhaps in a separate bedroom to your wife if she wants it that way. Of course, I'm not the one who would have to live with that decision and I don't know hard that would be for you. Be there, be supportive but not pushy, be understanding but not judgemental.

If you can afford the time, energy and money, getting a pet may be a great idea - but you would have to live at home to help care for it, because your wife may be too depressed to care for it properly, at least at first.

I think that you going to a counsellor is a great idea!!

Wow Jasmine that was a very mature and detailed response and I totally agree with what you said. Tom should stay as long as he can. Brilliant idea about the puppy. Its sounds like you've had a lot to deal with and its no wonder you suffer some depression and what not. Your best friend sounds like a keeper. I think you have your head on right more than you think girl. Hang in there. I hope you are staying in school! You'd make a great counsellor!


Tom: Make sure you get a breed that enjoys being handled. It is hard to not smile and laugh when they act ridiculous so it might be a thing your wife can connect with and get out of her slump 5 minutes at a time. Just make sure you are prepared to take care of the puppy and not push it on her. If she adopts it fine but don;t give it to her. Its not the puppy's job to help her. If you can handle a bigger dog a Golden Retriever is an amazing choice. Most adorable things ever as puppies. YOu'd have to be made of stone to not want to cuddle with one. I Have one.... love her to death but they are A LOT of work. High energy hairy beasts... but super duper cuddle factor and the coziest foot stools ever and the most fun you will ever have with a tennis ball or a stick.

Thanks Braeton :)

Tom:

I'm glad she has a Yorkie :)

When my mum would tell my dad to leave, she didn't really mean it. Oh, she wasn't lying, but it was the depression speaking, not her. Please don't just leave whenever your wife tells you to. In the long run, that's not actually what she wants. She thinks it will be better for YOU if you leave. I don't think that's true - I think you'd regret it if you left her. It is her low self-esteem that makes her say that; what she actually needs more than anything is encouragement. Tell her everything that's wonderful about her, tell her stories of times when she has been amazing; remind her of who she really is and all the great things she is capable of. Tell her why you fell in love with her, why you married her! In fact, I'd suggest a renewal of your vows - even if it's just you, in private, reading your vows aloud again. "In sickness or in health", "till death do us part".

As for not trying on her end - it's part of the nature of depression to find it hard to try. That's why she does need professional help. I got help from a clinical psychologist and an understanding doctor. But it may take a while for her to be motivated enough to get the help. You could try the bribery idea :)

Do you know her love language? If you could learn her love language and then deliberately "speak it" at least once daily, I think that could help.
http://www.madlyinloveforever.com/resources/learn-to-speak-your-partners-love-language/

Chotti

And you have made my day with your encouragement, thank you :)

Years ago, I used to be bitter towards my mum. I was upset that she had been what I considered selfish, and hadn't been a good mother to me. I made the decision to forgive her, for my own sake, because bitterness drains the life out of a person. It took about 2 years to forgive her from making that decision (part of what made it hard was that I was still living with her, still being mistreated by her and seeing daily that she wasn't sorry). I had to forgive her for the past, present and future things she would do wrong; and forgive her for not wanting to change her ways. Since forgiving her, I've had a new lease on life and I feel so much more at peace with both my mother and myself. I have set both her and myself free. I can see her clearly now that I've forgiven her - she is compassionate and caring, but she has a low self-esteem and struggles with a chronic illness. She is manipulative but she does that because she feels unloved - actually, since forgiving her, I've been loving her, and she's become less manipulative. Anyway, that's just a side speel on how forgiveness is worth the trouble. If I hadn't forgiven my mum, I wouldn't have given her the puppy.

So I started off doing something for myself - forgiving my mum - and it's been wonderful for both of us. I love my mum.

Jasmine Grace,

I know you from the fibromaylgia forum. I am glad you have joined us again and responded so eloquently. You are like a breath of fresh air. Thank you for sharing. I hope you continue to post.

Take a deep breath and know you are a blessing to the world...

Chotti, I hope you are feeling better today...

Hang in there...

Hugs, Karen...

Ahhh, Nature... My favorite. I try to walk once a day when the weather is nice. It does so much for the soul...

Thank you for all of your kind words. I am glad you have joined us again. It does help others and makes us feel good too.

Good luck with becoming an occupational therapist... You are a good person Jasmine Grace...

Hugs, Karen...

Hello ....

  I agree with so much of the advice given to you ... but, as you said, even her mother can't convince her to go to a talk therapist!

   While this is often backwards, i'de like to suggest something slightly different for a strategy for your wife. What do you think would happen if you had a talk with her - saying that you believe you need to see a counselor ... not her! Then ask her if she would go with you!

   First .... it's not really a lie. You could stand to see a counselor - a talk therapist. Then, just maybe, she wouldn't feel threatened in any way - to accompany you while you're seeing the therapist.

   It may just put her into a better comfort zone - so that, some day soon, she would be OK with seeing a therapist herself. But, in the meantime, you would be doing yourself some good, hopefully allowing your wife to relax (while you're on the preconceived hot seat) - and possibly getting her interested in going to a couples counselor.

   Again, I think this is the reverse of how it should be ideally done - but she needs to get thru the fear she has of going to see someone for help.

   Actually, a couples counselor might be the best starting point - but with you being the person who needs the counseling for the first few visits and your wife being there for your support.

   Then when both of you become involved with the counselor, your wife would not have to develop trust with another counselor. That might be amuch smoother transition.

   Hopefully ..... she would agree to be a support system for you - when first going!

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

P.S. - curious that this started about the same time as her current job!

Any thoughts there?

 

All of this started happening when she had switched birth control 3 times and began taking her antidepressants, then quit taking them without consulting a doctor. She then got a different kind from her mom without talking with her doctor once again. Her mom also gave her some anxiety prescription pills, again, without consulting with her doctor.

I feel like my wife doesn't want to give any effort. She is taking the easy way out by just popping pills and doing nothing else to try to improve the situation. Pills can't cure everything. It takes effort by the person to also want to change. I don't know much about the medication she is taking, but it can't be good to take her antidepressant, 2 sleeping pills, and her anxiety medicine together right before going to bed. Add to that most nights she has 2 or 3 glasses of wine before going to bed.