Wife is depressed, says I deserve better and doesn't want to continue the marriage

I spoke with her briefly tonight before I headed out to hag out with a friend. I told her please don't shut me out. That is the worst thing you could do right now. I said I don't want you to feel guilty about what is going on because I don't think this is the normal you.

Before that I found out she got a promotion at work but will be on a different shift. I can't help but think that is going to ultimately make this worse and probably lead to the end.

I'm waiting for the right time to tell her I want to be with her but I can't continue unless she agrees to get some kind of help

Wow, that sheds so much more light on the whole situation...

Good on you for having already been trying some of those things! Maybe words of encouragement isn't her love language?

Couples counselling does sound like a great idea.

All those medications (taken with alcohol!) probably are mucking with her head. She does need to see a doctor... Is there any particular reason why she won't? Can you point out that the medications don't seem to be helping and maybe they're not the right ones for her or being taken incorrectly, and she might need a Doctor's advice?

With her previous jobs: why did she quit them?
It seems valid to me, with the current job at least, if it's making her depressed and she is possibly being tempted by some guy there, that it would be a good idea to change jobs. That doesn't sound like giving up to me, it sounds like changing things for the better so that she can become a better wife and friend. I had to move out of home to help break my depression - and it wasn't because I gave up, it was because I made a reasoned decision that I couldn't continue to live with someone (my mum) who was constantly negative and a bad influence on me. I had learned, to a certain extent, to not let her depressin affect me... But one can only do so much. Sometimes a change of people and environment in your life are what you need. And personally, I think it's the job that needs to go - not you.

Do you know what it really is she wants to do? Maybe she's doing the practical thing but secretly wants to do something else with her life. For example, I'm studying Occupational Therapy but I have a secret dream of also writing novels (particularly ones that raise awareness of social issues), writing and drawing children's picture books (especially ones that teach them life lessons an educational ones), self-help books for people with health problems like what I've experienced, being a ballerina, playing piano in an orchestra and travelling the world...
But I grew up being told that I could only ever do those things on the side, I could never expect to live off an income from writing, drawing and playing piano. And that being a ballerina is just impossible with my health, lack of coordination, slight scoliosis, one side of my body being a bit smaller than the other... So I found Occupational Therapy - the only thing I want to do apart from writing, music and drawing. I have taken a leave of absence from uni to do drawing, music and writing... Because I've decided that I need to give my dreams a try! I'm loving it :)
Anyway, maybe she can't be happy in any of her jobs because she's in the wrong career. I know I would be depressed if I was, say, an accountant.

Doctor... Couples counselling... Complete career change?

Thank you for caring about your wife and not having given up on her already. Have you forgiven her for not putting in effort with your marriage and career, and about that man from work? As I alluded to earlier, forgiveness can change both your life and hers.

Please keep trying. Have you asked her why she feels depressed?

I do want to be around her as much as i can. but over the past month or so I have spent more time at my parents than at home. So I dont think I could be suffocating her by any means. If anything, i am not spending enough time with her. But the problem I see is that I dont know if she wants me around at all.

We didnt talk yesterday because she was in a mood where she didnt want to talk at all, so rather than force the situation I decided to hang out with a friend. She has said she doesnt want me to put my life on hold for her.

It is physically draining me to go through the same thing over and over. I want nothing more than for this to work. I just dont know the right way to go about it. I cant seem to find where her heart is hiding.

And to your question Jasmine, i dont think she even knows what she wants. She always likes her jobs at first then gets to the point where she cant take it anymore. I think she cares too much and lets everything stress her out. I have tried telling her you are there to do a job. Dont get so involved that it makes u miserable. It is not worth it. She needs to leave her work at work... dont think about it all the time. She agrees with me but says she cant seem to do that. I think she puts too much pressure and expectations on herself and gets overwhelmed.

Today she said we should get a divorce. So we sat down and divided everything up. She won't get help and I can't continue going thru this with no effort on her part.

I have done everything I can but have received no help in return. I told her just let me know when and where to meet her to sign the papers

Sometimes I get the feeling she just wants to fight. After we talked about the divorce we both cried for a bit then she said some thing to try and hurt me. Then had a few drinks and she went to bed. I was upset and made the mistake of taking all the pictures of us off the wall leaving them next to a note that said do what you want with them. Once we go done this eoad they r meaningless to me.

A few hours later she texts me saying how much she hates me and I am always putting her down. The only times I have tried to put her down is when she says we are through and she doesn't want to try anymore.

The few times I have done that I have always apologized saying I didn't mean it I was just frustrated and emotional. After she sent me that text I told her regardless of what either one of us has said or done lately, I will always cherish the time we spent together. We had a once in a lifetime love and I really thought we would be together forever.

An hour later she asks if I will come spend the night with the dog while she works the night shift. To me it seems like she is trying to push me away and then gets scared at the thought of it being completely over. It is really taking a toll on my emotions.

The times we have been together lately I have said nothing about the hurt I feel or that I can't believe what she has put me through. I only bring up anything negative when I feel like we are through

Like I said earlier, I took all the photos of us off the walls and even took a lot of them out of the frames. Prior to that when were dividing everything up, we went through everything in the kitchen. All of what I was taking was on the countertops and floor until I could move it out. This took us awhile, as well as how long it took me to remove all the pictures and a lot of the frames.

Like I said, she wanted me to come spend the night with the dog, but I did not respond. Two hours later she said she was about to go to work and asked if I was coming over to stay with our dog. I said OK.

I walked in and everything we had sorted out in the kitchen was back in the cabinets nice and neat. Also, all of the pictures were back in the frames and on the walls where they originally were.

Can anyone else make sense of this?

I don't want a divorce. I would do anything it takes to keep her. I don't believe in divorce unless somebody cheats.

But I have learned that no matter what I do, love is not enough to get her to snap out of it. She needs help but right now refuses to get it.

As long as nothing too major happens in the next few weeks, I would like to wait until the end of the month when she is going the doctor to get her hormones checked. Would it be wrong of me to call her doctor and speak with her about what she is going through?

Well she just texted saying I could come home after work if I want. She will be there until 8:00 when she has to head to work.

I've not responded yet but i know in the end i will end up going over there. I just can't help it. I guess I just keep thinking things will get better, when in reality, I feel like this is once again a temporary fix.

And Jasmine, I think I will call her doctor but I don't want the doctor to tell her i spoke with her. Will they keep my call private?

Hello ......

   You just referred to this as a temporary fix! But it isn't!

   Your doing what she wants you to do and when she wants you to do it!

   I really think you should be seeing a talk therapist.

   Short story: Many years ago, when my marriage was in serious trouble, I suggested that we see a counselor. I pointed to a counselor in the Yellow Pages, and my wife said - NO - that's a man!~!!!

   So then I gave her the Yellow Pages and asked her to pick a counselor. Her reply was simply "your the one who needs a counselor - you go"! There was no way she was going to go. "Only crazy people go" was her point!

   We did get divorced many years later - and with two children to make things much worse. Ultimately, I went to a talk psychologist - but it was just after my Father died and my x-wife started to play games with our kids.

   MY fault ........ i waited to long to seek help.

   Don't wait ------- please!

Rob & Gizmo

 

I've finally come to the realization that no matter how much I try to comfort and love my wife, that alone is not going to change her feelings and make things better. I wish I was something I could do, but unfortunately all I can do at this point is try to wait it out and see if the medication starts working better.

I found the following article helpful:

http://thrivewithbipolardisorder.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/5-coping-strategies-for-loving-someone-experiencing-depression/

Naan,

Believe me, I don't want to lose her because I know how good we had it. I just wish she could see it. She is the one that continues to contemplate separating but then gets scared and changes her mind.

I know in my heart this is not her. I am hoping at some point the medication starts working better. She has stopped drinking alcohol every night so that is a step in the right direction.

Her mom talked to her yesterday about going to the doctor and getting her hormone levels checked. Hopefully she agrees to do that sooner rather than later.

I would like to know what would help with the sex drive? Mine has been gone so long that I'm surprised my husband hasn't followed it right on out the door. It was right before the pandemic happened and we may have been intimate 4 times up to the current date of this post.