walking, but going nowhere

Lately my happy facade has been falling down enough for my friends and loved ones to notice and call me on it. I found myself today facing an apathy I thought I had buried. Despite the sun or warmth of the summer, inside I feel a gray (if you think in colors) weariness. I have dealt with this apathy before, but what bothers me is the depressive dark thoughts it lets through. I oft feel I am fading away in spirit if not in health. The apathy tells me its ok, but I don't want it to be. I'm so tired of this. The world appears surreal in my eyes. Many of you have been afficted of this several times my current life span. How have you dealt with it, over the years. When I think of life continuing this way for years, things just seem frustrating and hopeless. Meds make me feel fake and weirdly apathetic, drugs and alcohol whittle away whats left of my mind and will only kill me eventually, and staying like this will just back me further into insanity. I just don't know what do with things at this point. Argh! Having things be seemingly ok, but pretending to the world is just frustating. What good is having youth and good things if life won't let you feel good. What an abhorrent paradox.

Ditto to what Rosie said. I know that I will travel in whatever direction I am facing and often need outside help from a professional to turn me in the direction of light rather than the grey and darkness that surrounds me in depression. Good luck and keep us up to date on how you are doing.

Another thought:

 You have quite the way with putting your thoughts into words.  What about journaling?  When you are in this way,... write down what you are feeling, and what might be bringing you to this frame of mind.  Than later,... you can go back and read it.  Maybe you will than be able to make some sense of what you are feeling,.. and maybe why.  (I should be doing the same actually).  I am always better at giving advice,... rather than taking or helping myself.  You are really scaring me though,... cause I am relating to you... when I had been at my worst.  So even though you havent written it,... I know what you are thinking about... NOT GOOD !!

 So PLEASE   open that mindseye wider.... look around.  I know you are hurting,... but most of us have been there.  We have gotten out.... you can reach a better place too,... if you just try and get some help.  Sometimes we need a little help.  You do not want to hurt your loved ones around you.

 Please open yourself up for help.  By the way,... you could become a writer,... I could feel your every word !