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Posted 4/17/2014 1:43 PM (GMT 0)
My husbands mom & I were talking yesterday about building a rabbit hutch. I said I'll see if his dad (my husbands) would help me build one. She said she doesn't know if my husband would go out & help us but that his dads always trying to find a way to spend time with him. (husband) I said yeah I don't know he's not a real out doorsey person. I said that his dad could spend time with me or I'll spend time with his dad....she starts laughing and was like "yeah...I don't know about that."

That hurt so much, I didn't show it but later when I was alone in my room I started crying. My husband said he doesn't think she meant to hurt me, but I don't know because years ago when I use to call them "mom & dad" she'd tell me every now & then "you know thats ____'s dad, not yours, right?"

Made me feel SO stupid....I need to get this whole fantasy that I have parents out of my head. Yes I know I do but they're not here with me. I so desperately want to feel that feeling that I have parents who unconditionally love me. How pathetic am I? Made me think about how neither of my husbands parents seem to want to spend time with me. Whenever I needed help with a ride to a dr's apt his mom would take me but she would always try & get his dad to come, I felt like she didn't like being with me alone.

I just, am angry with myself for always trying to pretend I have parents when truth is I don't. Haven't for a very long time. It's about time I quit pretending I do. shakehead
Posted 4/17/2014 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like you are thinking too much. Some things we have to take with a grain of salt. Try to forget the comment. I'm sure nobody meant to hurt you. Know you have us now. And we think you're pretty awesome.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 4/17/2014 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, awe thank you very much. That meant a lot to me. I try not to over analyze everything....& like my husband said he doesn't think she meant anything by it....but even if she didn't it still hurt pretty bad.....It was just that reality news flash hit like a ton of bricks. Just reminded me that they're not my parents, they are but they're not the unconditional love parents your given in life.

I have been trying to replace my parents ever since I lost my mom. It's not so much that I want to replace them....I want to replace that huge void in my life.

I've been trying to call other people my parents for so long now....My first boyfriends mom I called mom and I believe his dad too. But then he & I broke up & we (his mom & I) just don't talk or get along like we use to. I tried calling my sister mom.....I hadn't known her as anything before, I hadn't even know about her until my mom passed away & my gma sent me to my sister. I asked her if I could call her that, but she said she felt it would be too weird if I did....

No matter how much I try to find fill in parents I need to keep in my mind that they're not them. (my parents) Hugs Karen, I hope your having a good day.
Posted 4/17/2014 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
Try to reduce your intake of sensitivity pills!

   Not being mean now - but, sometimes we take things said far too seriously. And then, some people are actually either allergic to sensitivity pills or don't have a clue that there is such a thing.

   Hanging on to your interpretation of what was said years ago ... is just not a healthy thing to do. It serves no other purpose other than to help making you "feel bad" - and re-inforcing it too!

   It sounds like you do spend time thinking of what someone means or meant when something was said - and it's used in a negative way. Have you ever asked questions of them - instead of assumming something was meant?

   Maybe that sounds like a confrontation to you ... but you may find that your assumming too much when you don't ask!

Hope you can work thru this.

Rob & Gizmo

 

Posted 4/17/2014 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
You can't replace your parents. It is a blessing that you had great parents. Apparently, more awesome than your inlaws.

Most people speak without thinking and have no idea how it sounds when it comes out. Truth is, it is more about their stuff then ours.

Someone in a support group once handed me a q-tip and said quit taking it personally. Cute huh? so true though.

You are awesome, and we are here to listen and support you.

Peace
Trina
Posted 4/18/2014 7:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jennie,

you can never fill in that missing piece in your heart for your parents. nobody can replace that hole. not even the nicest person alive. all you can do is cover it up and move on with what life brings you.

i don't see why your husband's mom wouldn't really agree about you calling her mom. just don't take her too seriously. don't take her to heart and move on.

you'll never be able to replace that missing piece but you can temporarily cover it first and save a special spot for your parents until you meet them. God bless.

joanne
Posted 4/18/2014 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
Rob, wow, I'm feeling the love. lol....I can't help that I am a sensitive person. Sure I may be too sensitive but even though she didn't meant to hurt me it still hurt. Not in a way of I feel she hurt my feelings, it was more of an ouch reality just hit me like a ton of bricks. Just reminded me that I don't have MY dad who wants to spend time with ME. Just made me sad.....

Trina, so so true, many people do speak without thinking of what they're saying...if I said I wasn't guilty of doing that myself I'd be lieing.

Joanne, his mom has no problem with me calling her mom. His dad was touched when I asked him if I could call him Dad, but since then I'll call him that and he'll be like "dad?" in a why are you calling me that kind of way. I don't know if it's too weird for him or if he just forgets or what....

I did take it too seriously though, my MIL & I have been fine since then so I don't think she meant anything by it, but it still makes me sad to think about the fact that I wish my dad was here to want to do things with me....
Posted 4/18/2014 11:08 PM (GMT 0)
your dad is more than happy to do lots of things with you. he's actually looking down at you right now and i bet he'll be very sad when his dearly beloved daughter's depressed.

it's over jennie. i can't blame you on thinking about it and being depressed all over again but how about we make a twist in it ? you may think about it but NOT be depressed about it. after thinking about that moment, think about those happy moments with your MIL and all.

well to me, i don't find it weird at all. at least they're your in law's family.. i call my uncle and aunt mom and daddy. now That's pretty weird..

i'm pretty sure that your dad in law didn't mean to say dad in a questioning way. maybe he's just not really used to it.
Posted 4/19/2014 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, that's what my MIL was saying about my FIL that he's just not use to it. Or he was in a bad mood....It's hard not to be depressed about it. I wouldn't say I am depressed but I am sad that he's not here with me. I am sad that mothers day is coming up & I don't have my mom to celebrate it with. I keep seeing these things about mothers day, do this do that with your mom & I get sad all over again. They say to help get through mothers day or fathers day without your parents you could find someone else to celebrate with. Not necessarily someone you look to as a mom or dad but even just a woman or male role model in your life. But I don't have anyone like that to spend it with....My in-laws I don't think feel close enough to me to spend the day with me to celebrate it, plus they have their own kids to spend it with. I have an older female friend who I thought maybe to spend the day with, but she has her own kids with plans with. My younger female friends are spending the day with their own mom/dad. I feel close to my in laws but I feel like we can only get so close, then they back away. I miss taking my mom to soup plantation for mothers day, every year my brother & I would take her there, it was her favorite.
Posted 4/19/2014 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
Why can't you get your mil a card and tell her she is like a mom to you in the card. Let her know how much you think of her.

You may become a mom someday and there will be a role change for you. Think of things like that instead of what you don't have anymore. Life is full of change. We have to learn to accept it.

My mother died when I was in my 30's. But we didn't have a good relationship so it wasn't such a bad thing for me. I don't miss her. I don't have kids, but I have grandkids through marriage. They mean the world to me.

Try to change things. Get your mil a card, maybe plan something together for another day. Remember, it is not all about us. We have to make compromises. I think you can do that. It would give you something to look forward to. Don't push yourself on her, just let her know you care. That should make you feel better.

Our parents don't define us. It isn't like we can't go on without them because life goes on even after somebody dies. I lost my first husband to cancer around ten years ago. But I had to keep on living. It is hard at times, but we get through it. You have to keep moving on. You have to compromise with your relationships. And don't take things personally. Like I say, it isn't all about us. Your fil may have been in a mood that day. People don't always pick up on things we are trying to say.

What about your husband? Do you have a good relationship with him? Are you close? You can't duplicate what you once had, you have to make new things now. Keep on living. Try to get past the hurt and loneliness. Move on to other things. Make new plans. And don't expect as much as you are. It is all give and take. That way when good things do happen, they will mean that much more to you.

I hope that you can look outside the box, become flexible, and be happy with what you have. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life changes...

Take care and have a good day...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 4/20/2014 5:56 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry for your losses Karen. Glad that you continued living and didn't give up on life. I'm proud of you Karen.

Jennie, I totally agree with Karen's words. What she said was very wise. Please read it all over again until you get the main concept.

Have a blessed Easter!
Posted 4/21/2014 3:03 AM (GMT 0)
I give my in laws cards every holiday. Birthday, mothers day, fathers day, their anniversary etc. I always tell them how much they mean to me, & I'm pretty sure they know how I see them as. I don't think planning an event with either of them would work very well....I don't think they'd want to go. I've tried inviting them out to lunch with my husband too but they said no. My fil said "why don't you ask your sister"
Yeah, I get that it wont be the same as with my parents, & I get, well no I don't get the " can't expect as much as you are" bc it's just not fair. Why should I have to just "accept things" & not long/yern for that same relationship. Or being told (not saying by you, just by anyone who says this & not just to me, to anyone in my situation.) "be happy with what you have" That's like saying "just settle". I'm always being told stuff like that or being told "it could be worse" kind of makes me mad bc I've been through too much, more than most adults have gone through their whole lives & by the time I was barely turning into an adult. Been through all 3 types of abuse, been passed from place to place, lost my parents & at young age, like I said I lost my dad when I was only 6 years old, so young I barely remember having a dad. I lost my mom before she got to see me get married, or meet my husband & I got married very young (18), not only have I lost my parents but I have also lost my child, before he/she was born but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less. I shouldn't have to just "accept things, that's just how it is, you must just go on not expecting to find someone to have a duplicate relationship with. It sucks! Family is the world to me, I haven't had the feeling that I had parents since my mom passed. Do you have any idea on painfully bad that feels? Sure some kids have that happen to them too but you know majority don't have to go through that feeling of being an orphan. I know people lose their child before it's born too, & I'm not saying that my situation hurt more or anything like that, but if only you knew how bad I want a child, how bad I want to be a mother....I used to pretend to be pregnant when I was little by stuffing a pillow under my shirt, then after a while of carrying it around I'd be walking around with my baby doll, had a stroller for it took it to the store with my mom & I....it's been a huge dream of mine. I am a nurturer. I have such high mother instincts in me. Losing that baby took a huge toll on me & I sit & think wait, why? Haven't I had enough things take a huge toll on me? Losing my parent's wasn't enough? I was so depressed I didn't get out of bed for days. So when I hear things like that it just frustrates me. Not to "go off on you" not trying to do that at all, I just wanted to explain why doing what your saying is hard for me....
Posted 4/21/2014 9:10 AM (GMT 0)
You are feeling sorry for yourself now. You have had it no worse than I have. Or anybody here. We have all had bad childhoods. Your lucky you had good parents for a short period of time. I didn't have them at all... You had a child inside you. I couldn't have that at all. All of us have things to feel sorry for ourselves about. That is why we are here. But to think yours is more important. Or more dramatic, that is just silly.

You can't accept your life and you aren't settling, you need to be humble. And yes, things could get worse at anytime. Go and visit a military hospital, see how bad things can get.

You will be a parent one day, I will not... You will then need to give the loving nurturing roll. And you will have somebody love you. Get real... Things will get better, keep trying... I don't mean to sound harsh. But I think you need to realize, you aren't the only one... We all have had bad things happen, some of us were abused as children. Some of us didn't have parents at all. And some who did, didn't have a happy childhood. Nothing to remember or compare anything to. Take what you got and make the best out of it.

Try to appreciate the little things. Even if it is just a hello. Or a bird sitting on a branch. If you can appreciate the small stuff, the other stuff seems so much better. I feel for you. I am sorry you don't seem to be happy. Start from point blank. With nothing. Things will be better in the future.

I am not saying you aren't hurting, but it is much more common than you think, especially here. Happiness will come to you in the most unexpected ways. Love too. Take what you can get from your mil and fil. Except it and cherish it.

You could be causing unneeded drama to your life. Depression and drama do not mix well. Ask anybody here.

I hope you can get through this. Posting helps a lot. Knowing you have the support and people who understand what you are going through. That means a lot.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 4/25/2014 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not saying I had it worse than anyone else at all. I'm just saying I've been through it all and before I was 18. You say how you wont be able to have a kid and I will. That's not exactly true. My illinesses cause infertility & if thats the case I wont be able to have a kid and I will feel like I had my chance and lost it . Just bc I had some parents doesnt mean I had a good child hood. My dad I hardly remember bc I was so young when he passed. I'm grateful that I had them don't get me wrong. But make no mistake, I did not have it good at all during that time. My grandma was very abusive verbally & physically my uncles were also abusive in all 3 types of abuse.
Posted 4/25/2014 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
That really stinks. I know, I had it bad. But I have put that behind me and you will too, but you got to try to move forward. We all have to. It isn't easy, but it isn't impossible. I am sorry you may be infertile. Have you thought about adopting? I never had anything to offer to an adopted child. I did foster my nephew for awhile. I am just saying, life is tough for all of us. And we are here to support each other and help each other move on. But you got to keep trying. Never give up.

If you choose to continue to dwell on your child hood, embrace it for what it was. Maybe if you wrote about your child hood, and how much you loved your parents in a journal, you would be able to keep it there and then move on. I don't mean to keep pushing you on this, but it is really what you need to do. It doesn't mean you are going to forget, you will just put it on the back burner for awhile. Believe me, dwelling on it doesn't make it any better.

Keep trying. Please, don't give up. I see you have fibro, and stress makes it worse. So try to keep your life stress and drama free. Taking walks helps me...

I feel like you feel very alone. But you aren't. You have your husband, your inlaws (as much as they are capable of giving), and you have us now. Don't take any of it for granted. Take what you possibly can from it and embrace that for awhile. I feel you have a lot of love to give. Let it flow... But remember, it is what it is. And we don't always receive back from the ones we give it too. It often comes from somewhere else.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 4/25/2014 4:24 PM (GMT 0)

Somebody said...
Or being told (not saying by you, just by anyone who says this & not just to me, to anyone in my situation.) "be happy with what you have" That's like saying "just settle".

No. Here are your choices. Be happy with what you have, or be unhappy. Totally your choice. But, guaranteed you will be unhappy wanting something that is in the past. It's gone, finished, over.

How about "make peace with what you have."

I am really not interested in the past, you know.

What are you doing to make your life better, happier, more productive?
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