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Posted 5/4/2014 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
Don't know why i am bothering to write this. So tired and want to quit.

Very much alone and lonely. Too many health problems.

Meds and therapy aren't cutting it. Individual therapy 2x/week, group therapy 1x/week, psychiatrist 2x/month. Multiple meds. Dx: bipolar type 2, GAD, borderline personality.

Lots of stress recently. Has decreased quite a bit now.

Don't want to answer the phone. Poor hygiene.

What's the point?

I know i wont' act on my feelings. And I will call psychiatrist tomorrow.

Just so tired of this life. How long to I have to do this? Only reason I keep going is to not hurt my family.



**Sorry to be a bother. Sorry if I wrote anything inappropriate.
Posted 5/4/2014 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
Mom just called. 2nd time this morning. Answered the phone and just cried. Hate doing that b/c I know it makes her feel helpless. Told her I would work on taking much needed shower and stop over.

I HATE this so much. Make it stop!
Posted 5/4/2014 5:57 PM (GMT 0)
Sunny,

We ALL have these dark periods that seem to last forever. The emotional pain is bottomless. However, the truth is it does end! Even if you have to live minute to minute at times, that is what you must do to survive the onslaught.

I have been there more times than I want to admit. I have also given in too many times. Stay strong and hang on to your Mom, doc and therapist. You are blessed to have so much support and see them so often!

Use your coping skills, these are so very important at this stage, this is no joke, the skills can save your life at point.

Peace and courage. Keep posting, journaling, calling. anything to stay in the present.

Trina
Posted 5/4/2014 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
Do a little at a time. Get a shower and if you feel better go and see your mom. Don't push yourself too hard right now. One foot in front ot the other. Hang in there...

Know wer are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/4/2014 7:52 PM (GMT 0)
It just keeps getting better. Managed to shower and get over to my parents. Then got a message from a friend that she will likely go into the hospital because she is very manic. Fine. But another friend asked me yesterday how our manic friend was, I said from what I have heard from her, she seemed ok. I was then told that I was wrong, that the manic friend was not ok, and it's like everyone is expecting me to be "super friend" but no one will freaking tell me what is going on. They just say "no, you're wrong, she's not ok" but won't give me a clue about what is actually going on.

Meanwhile, I am struggling to find the will to live. I don't need this. I don't want this. I hate what is left of my life.
Posted 5/4/2014 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
what meds have you tried ???? I have tried tons of them finally went so low they couldn't pull me out except with shock therapy then med thank God my mom and daughter were there to say yes to shock therapy for me or I wouldn't be here now I didn't want to die and don't think you do either you just need some good meds I take vibrid (think I spelled it right (vybrid) anyway it brought me up almost right away I was doing things I didn't normally want to do like go outside it only took a short amount of time for this to work for me and I have been on it for a couple of years now I don't always feel great but I feel mostly good and level not like I am in a hole any more like I used to on my other meds after I write to someone on these things I can never find them again I hope I can find you again and you are ok......cindy
Posted 5/4/2014 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Cindy.

I have had ECT multiple times in the past. Last time, maybe 3 or so years ago, I had quite a few treatments and it did very little for my depression but really wiped out my long term memory. I know other times it did help, and I know it helps others, but I think I'm done with it.

I have taken depression meds for about 20 years, (I am 35 now), and have been on many of them. I currently take Viibryd too. 20mgs. Maybe it's time to increase it. I take a few other psych meds, including lithium and meds for anxiety and sleep, as well as stimulants to keep me awake during the day. I sleep an average of about 14+ hours/day (the sleep meds are low dose and just help me at night to sleep more than 2 hours at a time), my doctors are working together to try and figure out why I am so sleepy. They believe it is a med interaction.

I have really been feeling alone lately. My cat died last month, I live alone, and have few friends. Having problems with a neighbor (noise), and my life seems to be consumed by my doctor appts and medical problems. Lots of times I dont' feel well enough to go out and do things. My medical problems are numerous and many seem totally unrelated to each other. If I wasn't the one experiencing them, I'd never believe a person who told me they had all these different problems. Seems lately, there's a "problem of the week". I don't even want to go to the doctor anymore for fear they won't believe me.

I am falling apart. Not sure how much more I can take. Going for a second try at biofeedback for GI problems tomorrow am. Went through it in March and after several sessions, was told they couldn't help me. Now a new doc, who I respect much more than the old one, is sending me for more, by a different provider. Feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

Nothing makes sense. This life is not for me. Everyone says it will get better, I'm not so sure.
Posted 5/5/2014 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
Do you think that maybe you could have chronic fatigue syndrome? I have fibromyalgia and have chronic fatigue. I take something to help me sleep and something to keep me awake during the day. I still feel like I am dragging lately.



I am a firm believer that things can get better. Keep hanging in there. Keep posting.

Know we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/5/2014 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
Just told my manic & paranoid friend that things would get better and she had to put herself first. She said, do you believe what you are telling me? (meaning believe it about myself). I just ignored it and kept talking.

I guess that somewhere deep deep deep down, i must have a tiny speck of hope. not positive, but i think it must be there or i would've quit already.

Just feel so alone. Maybe if i disappeared nobody would really notice or care that much. Feel so low. Tears in my eyes almost every minute of the day.

I feel like if people loved me, cared like they say they do, they'd want the pain to stop, any way possible.

It's like i am so messed up, i am beyond help. I do not have hope for a meaningful life. But I will continue on for other people.

**Sorry for being such a downer.

**Karen--I'll check out the info on CFS and let you know what I think. Thanks.
Posted 5/5/2014 4:59 AM (GMT 0)
Sunny-

Sweetie, there is hope. There's always hope.

I think the people that love you do want to help you. Sometimes, many times, people don't know what to do to help a depressed person. I know that is true in my life.

Hold on that tomorrow there will be light. Go outside and simply sit in the sun. Feel the positive energy that is around you.

We all care about you sunny. Hold on to your hope.

Hugs!
Michele
Posted 5/5/2014 6:12 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the kind message Michele

I just keep falling deeper into this. my "best friend" isn't much of a friend lately. I appear to be on the bottom of everyone's list. It's like gym class in grade school, i'm the last one chosen. Apparently I have little or nothing to offer and they think i am not very bright. That's what friends are for.

I just want it all to be over.

Slept for 2 hours. I despise myself. I truly am worthless.

Have no interest in life anymore. It's basically been rotten from the start.

Just wish i had never been born.
Posted 5/5/2014 11:10 AM (GMT 0)
I know that feeling of being on the bottom /of the lists. I have felt thta way lately. But today is going to be different I hoope. We have to be on the top of our list. Take care of us....

We cant depend on others to help or to make us feel better. That comes from within.

Hang in there sweetie...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/5/2014 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
Each day just gets worse. My few so-called "friends" are not friends at all. They treat me like crap. And I put up with it because i have nothing else.

Just tired of all this. I want out.

Went for new treatment for GI stuff today. Not hopeful. Whatever. I should have expected that.

I am on the bottom of my own list. And it doesn't really matter. Nothing does.
Posted 5/6/2014 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sure those of you who have read parts of this are tired of my complaining, and many of you won't bother reading this and couldn't care less about me. Fine. Do what you want. I wouldn't bother with me.

Mom said she knows I am depressed. "Friend" called and said so too.

Kinda feels like i am waiting for someone's permission to quit.

Question for anyone bored enough to read my posts: What is your reason for living?
Posted 5/6/2014 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
I guess I feel like it is my responsibility to keep trying every day. We have all been where you are. You have to have patience with yourself. Take it one day at a time.

Try to fin thing to keep your mind busy. Remember when we are depressed, we see the bad side of everything. Try to reverse that.

Hang in there,

Hugs Karen
Posted 5/6/2014 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
Sunny-

I wish I could give you a huge hug!!

I keep going because the alternative sucks. For all the loneliness and emptiness, there are good times- great times. No matter how bad things get, I have the hope of tomorrow being an absolutely fabulous day.

Yes I keep going for my kids- my own and the ones that I teach daily. I care so much about them.

But, I know, or I believe, that we only get one life to live. I want to make my mark and leave a legacy, not matter how small or insignificant that it may seem. I guess I think it's my duty to mankind. It sounds crazy! I know! :)

You may feel like you are last on everyone's list, but I promise you are on the top of someone's list- even though you may not realize it.

I don't "know" you, but I know you- I've read everything you've written on multiple forums. You matter to me, you are important to me.

Please don't do anything that would jeopardize your future.

We care.

Michele
Posted 5/6/2014 8:02 AM (GMT 0)
Sunny,

I'm reading your posts really feeling for you as I know what you are going through, oh so many times I have felt the same way as you do right now. I don't even know you but I care about you.

So many times I've thought I keep going for my daughters, have felt so lost and sad, just wanted to go to sleep and wished I didn't have this terrible illness called depression which I've had since my late teens.

It's so true, when we are so depressed we see the darkness in everything, like you, I have often felt I am so useless, that's the depression talking.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, there really is, the right meds, therapy etc. I have to really work on my self-esteem all the time. It feels like the sadness etc will never end but it will.

You can be happy, you really can. Try to keep busy doing things you enjoy, rest if you need to, don't push yourself too much. Keep posting, talking is good, we know how you feel.

Please take care of yourself, let us know you are ok? big hugs and peace for you.....
Posted 5/6/2014 10:19 AM (GMT 0)
Question for anyone bored enough to read my posts: What is your reason for living?

Too much of a coward to go through with you-know-what. If I wasn't, then I probably wouldn't carry on.

Your friends sound like drama queens. Dump them quietly and let them get on with it. It genuinely is better to be completely alone than to have rubbish people in your life. If you need company, you can always post on the internet. No, it's not quite the same thing as face-to-face interaction but I have met a small number of people who have shown more kindness to me than any former 'real life' friend. And I think I would be in an even worse place - if that's possible - than I am without them.

Health problems are utterly depressing as well. I was ill for years with Crohn's, which consumed most of my energy: I was battling the fatigue and pain of Crohn's rather than dealing with the rest of my life. Once I had surgery, all the things that I had been ignoring while ill came back to haunt me hundred-fold. I'm literally traumatised. Incidentally, I had the surgery you're thinking of having: a colectomy with an end ileostomy. I don't like having an ileostomy, but I can live with it. It's a compromise but it is better than living with severe Crohn's and, almost certainly, colonic inertia. I'm not actually a stranger to constipation: suffered badly with it as a child/teenager and, even with Crohn's, had times where my bowels would completely seize up. I always said I would rather live with diarrhoea than constipation any day, and that is absolutely true: I would. Constipation is a misery.

So, maybe, just maybe, an ileostomy might give you one area of your life back at least. But I wouldn't go into it blindly. Look up pictures of stomas, order different bags and try them out - half fill them up with oatmeal to get an even more realistic idea of wearing one. The more prepared you are, the less of a psychological blow it will hopefully be afterwards.

Hope something amongst this rambling post of mine helps. Good luck, Sunny. I do feel you on the loneliness.
Posted 5/6/2014 11:25 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for sharing NCOT. I hope you are feeling well today.

Hugs Karen
Posted 5/6/2014 11:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hugs back, Karen.

No, I can't say I am feeling well. This isn't my thread so I don't want to hijack it, but I am struggling every single day to stay sane (or resume sanity). Traumatised: like I said previously.

Edit: Sorry, I'm struggling. The last time I felt well was before surgery. At the time I thought it meant I was improving; now I think it was high doses of steroids giving me a false sense of confidence and happiness. FML.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 5/6/2014 5:52:38 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/6/2014 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
I guess I am taking a couple other anti depressants to help the vybrid like abilfy and welbutron also but the combo works have the depression bad also and not many friends to go to but even one can make a difference sorry you are in such a low place honey I know what its like and its no fun is it stick with your dr and try to up your vibrid it could help a lot a little abilyfi in there might not be so bad either it says on tv it helps toonot trying to be a dr or tv ad but just from experience well will let you go for now talk to you again I hope hugs to you ............cindy
Posted 5/6/2014 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the responses.

Highly doubt that today will be any better. Woke up early due to severe stomach pains. GI system is beyond messed up. Not sure if I'll be able to make it to my therapist in a few hours.

This is too much for me. Thought about possibly doing day hospital/partial program, but I have too many medical appointments that conflict. whatever.

I have no reason to fight. Just waiting now for someone to tell me it's ok to give up.

Just need the pain to stop.
Posted 5/6/2014 4:30 PM (GMT 0)
I is not okay to give up. I am sorry. You have to keep going on. Make your therapist appointment today. Let them know you are feeling bad. the stomache issues need to be looked into, but they could be anxiety related.

Try to hang in there, dont give up....

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/6/2014 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
It is not okay to give up.
Posted 5/6/2014 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
I agree-

never ok to give up. Dig deep and find the strength to continue the battle so you can win the war!!!!
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