Back Again.

Hi everyone.

It has been a good couple of years since i was on this site. I used to have the username "netball". My name is Jess. I am 16 years old and i am struggling.

I have a long history or sexual assault, rape, anxiety, verbal and emotional abuse and neglect- especially during my childhood. I have lost my stepfather because he took the easy way out due to the police finding out what he did to me, i have put someone behind bars for rape (well my parents did because i was underage at the time) and my life is a mess right now.

I suffer from depression, and anxiety. I am paranoid right now and live in and out of this world. I am dissociating on and off all day and my paranoia is getting alot worse again. I am really not coping. I see a therapist twice a week- but she is off this week. I left school because my anxiety got too bad and i couldn't handle being there. My parents are slowly having enough of me. They don't believe my anxiety is real and tell me to "harden up" and "get over it". I had a really bad altercation with my youth pastors from church because they wouldn't let me and a youth leader i became close to be friends- so we both left. My nan passed away about 18 months ago. I really am struggling with her not being here. My best friend (I only really have 3 friends- she was the only constant) moved countries about a month ago- and that has hit me really hard.

I cannot sleep- i have nightmares and wake up sweating and all over the place. I am constantly paranoid that the men who raped and abused me are going to get their revenge. I feel as if everyone is lying to me about my stepdad committing. I feel like they are all against me and that they are just saying that. I have been in and out of psych hospital. I haven't harmed in about a month- but the urges are extreme.

To be really honest, i am just at that "what's the point" stage. I don't know where else to turn. I need help :(

Jess.

I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you secret. Nobody deserves what has happened to you, but it is not your fault. It sounds like you might be struggling more because your counsellor is away this week?

After my own trauma one of the most important steps I took was to realise that I didn't want those people to win, and from now on I was in charge of my own life. I am not a victim I am a survivor.

It sounds like your lacking support at home. I hope you can find support here

Hi Karen, i think i am going to email you. I am struggling right now :'(

I don't believe it isn't my fault. The dreams- the voices- the flashbacks- they all tell me it was my own fault. I keep seeing Mike (the man who raped me) everywhere i go. I want to make something positive out of it, but i cant right now and that annoys me.

I have a lot of support from my whanau WHEN things are going GOOD. When they're bad- not so much, which hurts me heaps.

I have been in hospital for emotions and behaviors that were destructive, and have learnt lots of skills and things i can do when things get too rough. I don't know if you will understand though- but i cannot seem to put them to use when things are at their worst. I practice them all day long, then when something happens in my head or i a triggered in some way, i loose it and then i am pretty much gone. I can no longer be rational and all that stuff that i have been taught.

I am really struggling today- after a night of extreme anxiety and flashbacks. I was meant to be babysitting my 4 cousins tonight (6yrs, 5yrs, 3yrs, 2yrs) but i cannot now. The eldest girl, Molly reminds me alot of what i was like when i was a child around about the time when my abuse started. Because there are going to be a lot of adults there too, i'm scared that something will happen to her and i will not be there to keep her safe. There is no logic behind this, i am just going crazy. But for me, it's real. And i cannot do it. I want to, but i'm too scared really..

I am really not good at the moment. I have been teary, and on edge all day. I am relapsing and everyone is leaving me. They all tell me that they are here for me, but when i try to talk to them- they all just leave me in the dark. It hurts. I'm hurt and hurting lots. :(

Jess, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT HONEST AND TRUELY, what your are experiencing is normal and expected for PTSD.

Try holding ice in your hands til it hurts, this will take you away from the edge darling.

I know how hard this is, DBT is practice practice practice. The worse part is dealing with emotions til your get there.

Peace and courage
Trina

Hey guys. I went through with the babysitting last night- and it was better than expected! Anxiety wise, i am pretty good today. Emotionally, i am crumbling! :'(

Trina, thank you for the advice! We have no ice in the house though. Due to destructive behavior with it. My parents have gotten rid of it all :(

Karen, i'm trying to find your email.. Love you too! Miss you.

My heart is hurting today. Really aching. Emotionally. :'(

ArohaMai Whanau
Jess

Jess, ok then, try putting a orange or lemon in the freezer it will get just as cold. you can scratch it and sometimes the smell of rinds brings you off the edge along with the cold

If the fruit is too hard and your parents are concerned, then a bag of frozen veggies is your next choice. Other than that, cold water on your face.

Great job last night. Ought to be proud of yourself! That is a victory. Everytime you make through a night like that, you get a little stronger! Journal about the good night and tag it. So you can reference that in dark times and know that they will end.

Awesome!
Peace and courage
Trina

oh jess. call for help right away if you need it. ph crisis. hospital, friend, therapist anyone. this is jamie, now tht.

Cold showers Jess! jump in and stay there as long as you can!

Get your emotions down to a manageble level, then get your DBT diary card out and try every distress tolerance skill on that card until you find one that works.

Baring that call for help there are numbers on the resource page now for teens and SI people. Please be proactive, you are stronger than you think!

Peace and strength
Trina

keep posting. you are stronger than you know. jamie.

I feel like i am barely alive right now. I am hurting so much. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me. Loosing people, abuse, all of it is all coming back to me. I am living in so much fear. I didn't call a helpline. I was too afraid they would put me in hospital or get the police to take me in to the cells for a mental health assessment. I hate those. I always lie. They make everything worse. I hate hospitals and the police cells. I never feel safe there.

I am ready to give up. I really am.

Thanks heaps Karen! Gosh, i love yah!