Depressed Boyfriend has dumped me - Help me understand

Hi everyone,

I have never used a forum before but i need some support and advice on a situation that I am dealing with at present.

I came out of a painful relationship a few years ago where i was cheated on and then dumped via text and cut off from his life. I struggled to get over it and stayed single to try and 'find myself'. I eventually felt ready to date and met a new man who seemed sensitive to relationships and my feelings, we seemed to connect on everything and I really felt that he genuinely would never hurt me. After a few months of bliss we had a fight about something minor but his reactions was something I'd never seen before, he was furious with me and kicked me out and refused to acknowlege me for a week despite me hounding him with texts and calls in a desperate bid to get him to talk to me. When he got in contact he admitted that he'd suffered from depression for 10 years and that he had been seeing a councellor up until he met me but then stopped that and his medication. he says that it only takes something small to trigger it and then it feels like a black cloud comes over him and he can't think about me or my feelings or anything else other than wanting to curl up in bed and have no contact with the world for days/weeks.

I accepted this but because i didn't understand depression I didn't realise the severity of it. I'm not the easiest going girlfriend and since then everytime I nag or we have a row he shuts down and shuts me out. My instant reaction when he ignores me is to text and call as i'm absolutely desperate to talk to him and just make up. But it's only when i ignore him that he finally comes around and contacts me saying sorry.

This time we had a fight and he said it wasn't going anywhere, he broke up with me in a text message and I literally have not heard from him for over a week. He's blocked my number from calling or texting him, blocked me from all social media websites that we're connected on and now i'm lost. I miss him so much my heart physically hurts. I just want to have a conversation with him, even if it is just for him to explain that it really is over, but he won't talk to me and unless i go banging on his door I don't know what to do. We are supposed to be going on holiday in 3 weeks and I don't know whether this is just a spell and that if I leave him alone that he'll snap out of it and contact me... or is it really over? Would he really have gone to the extent of blocking me from contacting him if this was just a depression spell?

It also hurts my feelings that no one knows about this other than me, and he is so good to all of his friends and so caring of their feelings but then takes everything out on me and I'm the only one that he wants to cut out of his life for periods of time.

I love him so much and when we're ok, i genuinely believe he loves me - he's totally wonderful with me. But then this happens and I just can't get my head round it and feel like perhaps he doesn't actually love me at all. He's just using me by having me around when he's bored and then pushin me away when he's got better things to do.

Any advice from anyone who's been in a relationship with someone suffering depression, or advice from someone who actually has depression would be welcomed. I'm losing my mind and i don't know how to move on when i'm in this limbo.

Thanks

He does need to help himself at this point. The best thing you can do is be supportive. Isolating oneself is normal for depression. The nagging on your part isn't helping. That will just push him, or anyone away.

You said that when you back off he calls. I would back off.

If he be blocked you for the first time, I would seriously take that as a message. Gov him some space.

Work on you, being less needy. Respect people's boundaries. I think it will help in relationships.

You sound like a good person.

Hugs Karen

Thank you, I know really that I need to walk away and forget about him. but i love him so much and I worry that if no one ever puts in the effort with him then he will be alone forever, which is a great shame as I know that he desperately wants to settle and have children etc at some point.

He sent me an Email asking me to leave him alone. I asked him to tell me if it was just temporary or a permanent break up but he still won't answer that question.

It's hard to try and move on when i still don't know if this is a definite decision or whether he's depressed and just having a 'moment'. I'm frightened that if I get into the mindset of being single and without him and then he comes back in a few weeks, it'll just make me an emotional wreck and by then I probably will have moved to the anger phase rather than feeling sorry for me.

Can anyone who has depression confirm whether the way he's being with me is usual behaviour? I know that he went out with his friends at the weekend and he must be going to work and stuff so I find it impossible to understand how he is acting fine with everyone but then treating me like this. Can he really be in love with me if he's capable of doing this? Should I go on the holiday we have booked without him or when he finds out will that just make him worse?

:-(

 

Just an update - I heard that his auntie died so I messaged him via Email (the only contact method i'm not blocked from) and just said 'Sorry to hear about your Auntie, I hope you and the family are ok, I'm here if you need me' and he responded 'Seriously just **** off and stop bombarding me with this sh**, I don't want you and don't want to talk to you. I don't care about you and just want you to leave me alone!!!!'

I think all hope has gone out of the window now.

I have made an appointment with a counsellor as i know the feelings that i feel right now aren;t going to go away. I don't understand how he can hate me so much, and why he seemed so appalled by my exes behaviour when he's gone and treated me even worse. I feel so much pain I wish I was dead. I don't know how to get past this and I don't know how i'll ever find happiness with someone because i'm just so untrusting towards men now. This has proved that you can;t trust anyone. Even if you're in what you think is a serious relationship with talks of children and a future - people have the capability of just switching to despising you in a second and all of that happiness gets ripped away.

I'm so lost.

hey stanley85 reading your story i taut u were me. Ive been with my partner 3yrs and my story is identical to yours. I get the blame the abuse and everything that goes with it. Im like you the one who runs, texts, calls only to be ignored or told to **** off. Hes gone on like this for weeks and then returns saying sorry and is back to his own self for a lil while til the next time. I have contacted help lines and spoke to my doctor and as much as it pains you just steer clear til he comes out of it. 3 weeks ago my partner had yet another episode and this time he said theres no going back we are definatly over. my heart is broke i thought he was my forever. I wrote him a letter but even thats not getting through. Its a serious illness and he denies theres anything wrong with him and its all me but I know its not. I would do anything to have him back and like that im at my wits end. I guess we wil have to suffer but know its not you its their illness. the texts and calls make it worse and my phone would burn a hole in me hand but i had to back off. my partners episodes can last from days to weeks im justing hoping that he will come round again as im devastated. I feel for you I really do.