no support from family

Hello I am new to this site and hoping to get some guidance as to what I should do regarding my family and their lack of support. My husband was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago. Prior to that we both worked and had 2 homes, one near my family and one at the beach about and 1 1/2 hours away. With my husband unable to work and me being his primary caretaker, we had to sell our home near our family, (we were in the process building our dream home there and the house needed a lot of work if we couldn't rebuild) and move to the vacation home. I did not want to do this because I felt that it was too far away from my family, the dr.'s and hospitals and that I would be alone and lonely. I became very depressed and have been struggling with this on and off for the past two years. Some days I am so alone it is actually painful. I try to stay positive, but it is very very hard. Everything we once had is just about gone, my family only visits in the summer when the weather is warm and the beaches are open. When they come, they expect to stay for a few days at our home and for us to entertain them, feed them, etc. When I need to take my husband to the Dr. in the city, which they all live in, I do not even get a phone call to stop by for a cup of coffee or a visit. During our daily trips back and forth from radiation nobody once asked if they could help, drive, or even offered us a place to stay if we needed it. When my sisters husband was diagnosed with cancer last year, they all got together and took turns driving him back and forth from his treatments. This made my depression even worse. Feeling alone has gone to me actually facing the fact that nobody cares and it is so painful to realize this. Some days I just want to stay in bed and forget everyone and everything but of course I can't do that. I have 2 children both who are professionals and one who lives out of state. The other lives in the city and only visits a few times a year and we go to see him on holidays, birthdays. I come from a very large family and I always thought we would be there for eachother. I am so hurt and saddened by all of this. It is making me even more depressed, but the thought of being alone without family makes me even more depressed. Between this, and our mounting medical costs, I feel like I am being swallowed up. I can't control the financial situation but I could disconnect myself from my family. I am not sure what to do. Anyone have any insight on this? Thank you for helping me.

Trina is right, they don't know unless you let them. Try that and see what happens. My first husband died of lung cancer, so I know the caretaker's (your) job is difficult. Try to take this one day at a time, you don't know what the future is going to hold.

Do call your family and let them know that you could use some help.

Welcome to the forum. Posting here helps too.

Hugs, Karen...

thank you for all your posts. it has given me much to think about I just know that when someone is having a hard time I always call and ask what can I do, how can I help. I have always been picked on, even as a child. they used to tease me, scare me to the point of night terrors and think it was funny. I have never been fully accepted by them unless they were getting something in return like a free place to stay for a weeks vacation. Rob & Gizmo, I wish you healing and blessings.

Hey Jo-anna,

Y'know if a friend calls me at 3 am and just needs to talk I don't mind at all, I've driven 130 miles at 4am to pick a friend up who needed help but unfortunately not every one is there for us. Also, I have always felt especially family should be kind and loving to each other but again a lot of times it's just not there and yes it does hurt a lot.

I am a firm believer in distancing ourselves from anyone who makes us feel terrible, including family, I cut my abusive father off in my 20's as he was always on my back so to speak. I spent years upset wishing my family was nicer and we had been close.

Time to think about you, what do you like to do...if you have a full life with good friends I think things will be different for you. Don't let your family rule how you feel. You can always ask them for help though, see how that goes.

Look after yourself, totally understand how you feel, big hugs....

Jo-Anna, pardon me for saying so, but you seem to be a woman crying out in the wilderness, a tree falling in the forest when there is no one around to hear. Your folks seem like a bunch of heartless, and selfish losers. Unfortunately, we can't pick our family members, but, friends are the family that we can choose for ourselves. You have that option, go out and find you a few good friends that really care about you. This forum is a good start. Even though your family members are far less than what you would like to have sharing your life, they are still your people. If you want to keep up a relationship with any or all of them, I believe in putting your cards on the table. Tell them that if they want to continue to be welcomed to your beach house in the summer, they can darn sure make provision for you a place to stay when you are in the city taking your husband to the doctor. Stand up for yourself and make it clear that you would like to have an ongoing relationship with your family, but are tired of doing all the giving and getting so little in return. Whatever their response, you can live with the consequences, believe me.

I have never been very verbal with them in the past because I didn't want to lose them. My sister's sister-in-law is in the same situation as I am. She lives about 1 1/2 from the city going north. Her 28 year old son is ill and when she was traveling to the city for Dr. appointments, treatments, etc. my sister went with her, cooked her dinner and offered her home to stay for them to help out.. I can not understand why she wouldn't do the same for me. That really hurts. I do feel stronger after reading these posts. Being able to talk about it helps and the feedback is also helpful. Thanks to all of you.

Dr. Tarr said...
Jo-Anna, pardon me for saying so, but you seem to be a woman crying out in the wilderness, a tree falling in the forest when there is no one around to hear. Your folks seem like a bunch of heartless, and selfish losers. Unfortunately, we can't pick our family members, but, friends are the family that we can choose for ourselves. You have that option, go out and find you a few good friends that really care about you. This forum is a good start. Even though your family members are far less than what you would like to have sharing your life, they are still your people. If you want to keep up a relationship with any or all of them, I believe in putting your cards on the table. Tell them that if they want to continue to be welcomed to your beach house in the summer, they can darn sure make provision for you a place to stay when you are in the city taking your husband to the doctor. Stand up for yourself and make it clear that you would like to have an ongoing relationship with your family, but are tired of doing all the giving and getting so little in return. Whatever their response, you can live with the consequences, believe me.

Very well put Dr. Tarr.

This is exactly what I was thinking but didn't know how to say it.

Jo-anna, you mention not being very verbal with them in the past for fear of losing them, thing is you should be able to say how you feel without that fear, you have a right to say it and be listened to, this is how you feel and your feelings are important.

Quick story, for years my brother was so cold and nasty to me, made fun of me etc and it hurt so much inside but...I said nothing for fear of him getting angry with me and never wanting to see me again so I put up with it, as I got older I changed and realized how much damage he was doing to me and I was letting him do it, ...so...I tried to talk to him (I was shaking) and he told me to basically shut up and walked away, that was it, never saw or spoke to him again and I am so much better off for it.

Another thought is as "getting by" suggests, they may think you don't need help, but you won't know until you ask them.

Be strong, tell your sister how you feel, she's going to react in one way or the other but this is really bothering you. I think it will be a relief for you to say how you feel, to get it all out. It's the holding in of all these feelings that pulls us down, it needs to come out.

All the best...hugs...