Depressed & new to the forum

I've been reading the forums for a few years and have been encouraged by everyone's posts. However, I find myself just starting to not be as depressed and then something happens. I've been depressed for the last 25 years or so and on anti-depressants. I also have a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words. Basically, I'm feeling so sad and down, feeling like there's little hope for my relationships with my kids & grandsons.

I have 3 grown children, 2 of which have given me grandkids. My kids are mad at me because they think I should have been around more (my ex & I lived 1 1/2 hrs away from each other) when they were teenagers. Then they are mad because when they became adults I moved to the south for 10 years before coming back home (the Midwest of USA) 2 years ago. about 4 years ago, they let me have it with both barrels. I was led to believe that we would work on rebuilding our relationships. Nope.

I have filed for disability and am waiting for an answer. They don't think I'm disabled and should just get a job. I was used as a babysitter for my youngest daughter's 3 sons (unpaid) A LOT the first year I was here. (The boys acted up a lot too and didn't want to listen to me). Then only visits here and there. Now, they're almost non-existent.

So I hurried up and to see them before they left church today. One of the boys is having his birthday this week. I'm guessing it was today because he said they were doing an activity. My daughter starts chatting with her step-mom, but not me. (I've waited some time before and been blown off). He said he's having his birthday celebration this week on the actual day. I have not been told about this at all even though I've asked about it. (Asking is via text. Usually I will get an answer, but not always).

So here I am back in the dark pit, again. I miss the boys so much! But the pain of being rejected and not being a part of their lives is so deep! They won't talk about it and I don't see that happening. I don't know why I'm being punished unless my ex talked bad about me when they were teenagers and they still carry that.

I've always been in touch with them, phone calls, addresses, email. FB is the only way I can even see just a tad bit of what they're up to.

I'm also helping someone I live with (platonic) for room & board because I don't have any money. This person is heavily dependent on me for nearly everything because of his health. Even going in to his dr. appts. because he doesn't understand what they talk about. My therapist told me I need to stop doing this and take some time away from him daily or else I'll end up in the hospital!! Part of me is terrified, but the other part of me is getting ready to say, ok, whatever. I've never been hospitalized before.

I have been in therapy for 1 1/2 years now. I've been learning how to deal with these situations, such as I need to live my own life. But it doesn't take the pain away. I don't want the rest of my life to be filled with this pain.

Part of me wants to give up on my kids, but what about my grandkids. They're so young and I want them to know that I want to be there and that I really love them. I also want to be self reliant, like I used to be.

Thank you for listening!! I know my friends get tired of me being depressed and listening for so many years.

Post Edited (Kate S) : 6/30/2014 7:48:11 PM (GMT-6)

Kate,

I understand how hard it is for you. I have been shunned by my entire blood family.

You do have some choices here since there is a little bit of communication. Ask your therapist if he/she would be willing to host a family session. If so have your therapist send an invite out to all your children. Chances are at least one will show up. Perhaps some of the misunderstandings will be cleared up. At the very least you will know where you stand at the end of the session, or if no one shows up.

The therapist is correct, you have to live your life for you not any else including the room mate.

Peace and strength
Trina

Hello Kate ........

   Troubles with our own kids, and especially if grandchildren are involved, can rip your heart out. I'm sure that every situation is somewhat different, but rejection or at least the feeling of rejection from one or more of your own kids can leave you with emptiness that's hard to describe.

   I, myself, am going thru some very challenging times with my own health and the treatment options that are left. While one of my daughters cares, she did move close to 1200-miles away a few months ago.

   My other daughter has shown nearly no signs of caring for the past two years. And yet, yesterday, I got a rare e-mail from her telling me that she quit her job and a week later, her husband lost his job. They have my only grandchildren.

   She's asking me for financial help - even though she rarely asks me how my stage #4 cancer is! I have a heavily detailed post on this - on the Daily Threads - posted this morning.

   It is good you're going to a therapist. I would hope it is for talking things out and not for just prescribing meds. Wishing you well on your efforts to get disability.

   You are not alone with disturbing family relationships. Try not to put much blame on yourself. Accept what you feel you should - and reject the blame that is not yours.

   Easy to say - tough to do sometimes.

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

 

Well Kate,

I am so sorry for you situation.

I best I can offer than is that you live for yourself. Things are not in control.

It will not be easy, however you can learn to give yourself compassion and love. None of this is your fault. You have a right to move where to want, it does not mean you don't love someone. As a parent you are not required to be a built in babysitter.

There is a wonder book, if you are a reader, entitled THE MINDFUL PATH TO SELF-COMPASSION, by Germer, PhD . I may have the author wrong but it is close. Helped me tremedously.

Finding a support group is also a big help, it will take sometime to feel like you fit in, but it is well worth the effort in the long run.

I wish you Peace and comfort
Trina