Posted 8/16/2014 11:14 AM (GMT 0)
I know this is a familiar and boring story that you guys have probably read 100 times before but I really feel the need to put my thoughts down in writing and hopefully get some feedback from knowledgable people.
My ex and I had been together for just over 2 years, and had been trying for a baby, living together and always said how much we loved each other and discussed or plans for the future.
4 weeks ago we had an argument over something silly and she said she was going to stay at her mum's for the night. The next day she text me saying she wanted to mostly stay at her mums for a while and just see me a few times a week like we were just dating again. Over that week she came with me to my cousins 30th birthday, and then a few days later we stayed in a hotel together and had a great night. There was intimacy and loving words on both occasions. I was due to see her again on Saturday night, but in the days before this her texts were becoming increasingly distant and I knew something was wrong again. I picked her up after work on Saturday, asked how she was and then blurted out that I wanted to start seeing more of her again. She took this really badly and started telling me she didn't feel happy anymore and didn't think we had a future etc. I was stunned by this, it was the total opposite of everything she'd ever said before. We spoke for a while, me saying how I didn't want to lose her etc etc and her basically emotionless. I said I was going to sit in the garden for a bit so as to not do her head in. After about 45 minutes I came indoors and she was gone. I text asking where she was and is this the end to which she replied that she just couldn't cope and needed to get away.
The next evening she text me asking if I was ok. I said not really but trying my best to cope. Then she went on to tell me how hard it was for her but she thinks we need space etc. So I struggled for the next week or so not to contact her. What made this harder is that we both had the week off work as we were due to go away with her family, but she ended up taking a friend instead.
The day she got back she contacted me again asking if I was ok and ended up inviting me to stay over. I'm thinking great, we can get back on track now, however she is totally emotionless the whole evening and the next morning I left. I again left her alone and 2 days later she invites me over again. Stupidly I accepted. Although there was again no intimacy, she seemed a lot happier in my company and I again thought ok this could be it now. However the next evening we are talking over text and discussing her "mild" anxiety which I thought was the issue, when she turns round and tells me that the problem is she never wants sex anymore. She says that trying for a baby and not getting anywhere has put her in fear of a negative pregnancy test and she no longer associates sex with pleasure, only stress. I said that I understood and that it was something that could be worked on through relaxation etc. She said she would think about what she wanted. Since then (last Friday) she has been really cold about things, so I decided that I was going to go no contact from now on and try to rebuild my life. I also know (although I shouldn't) that she had spoken to her ex from before me on a couple of occasions. I don't think anything happened but can't be sure.
On Thursday evening she contacted me once again this time telling me she's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is on meds and counselling. She said she just thought I should know. I asked why, she did she doesn't know.
I basically said that if she ever needs me I'll be there, but apart from that I'd leave her alone.
I also text her mum saying I heard about the depression and that I'm so sorry and will always be there and thanks for letting me be a part of your family.
Yesterday evening she text me again asking what my whatsapp status meant. I had just wrote the word always along with the letters IYLHSHF meaning if you love her set her free. I have since changed it to just always.
I guess in a way I feel better as at least I know it probably wasn't my fault. I am guessing, from research, that she is suffering from anhedonia as when she was telling me about her depression she also said she's not enjoying time with her friends or any activities.
But I also feel awful as I'm absolutely helpless. I'm so used to being able to make her feel better and help her solve her problems and now I feel useless.
I know all I can do is be there if she needs me and hope that her treatment brings her round, whilst in the meantime trying to look after my self but it's so hard for many reasons i.e sheer love for her, feelings of guilt for thinking about moving on, worry about her well being, her contacting me over nothing etc.
Throughout this whole time she has never once said she doesn't love me, just that she needs to be alone at the moment, so I know there is mild hope, but I don't want to waste my life waiting. Is that selfish?
I know there's probably not much else I can do at the moment but it just feels good to put it in writing to share my thoughts with people. I'm not very open when it comes to sad thoughts and what I really want now is someone to just hug me and listen while I cry and tell them all about it, but I feel too embarrassed. So thank you guys for being my sounding board instead.