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Posted 8/14/2014 7:44 PM (GMT 0)
Waiting for the other foot to drop. My husband spent the last several days w/ daughter #2, & #3. They were the ones who made sure my husband found out his 1st wife was cheating on him (their mom), and made sure he made her pay for it with divorcing her. Now am waiting for him to tell me he wants a divorce from me too. Because I know that is what his daughters want. & he can't say "no" to them. And acts like all my mental issues are all just in my head. PTSD, depression, anxiety, menopause, ........... I need to just tell it all to just go away. Sadness is a choice. Just like 1 of his daughter's sexuality is a choice??? I should be able to control it. smurf

Post Edited (ShariBB) : 8/16/2014 4:28:51 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/14/2014 7:51 PM (GMT 0)
In my humble opinion, some people only believe in things that have happened to them, if they have never suffered from depression, then they believe it is a controllable action, that for some reason we are "feeling sorry for ourselves", have "made our own bed, now we must lie in it".
Posted 8/14/2014 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
I think if his daughter's mother was cheating, he should of known about it. But do you want to continue to be married to a man who listens to his daughters over his wife? That sounds like it would be hanging over your head all the time. I take it that they don't like you? Why would you think that they are conspiring against you? This is a situation I definitely would not want to be in.

Brenda is right, people who aren't depressed really don't get it... Are you going to any counseling? It sounds like some issues might be going on that you could use some support on. I think it would be good to talk to somebody.

I also would work on mindfulness. That would help you not have time to worry about things like this happening. Worrying doesn't do any good. You have to take things as they come and deal with them when they happen. Don't borrow trouble worrying about his daughters. Besides you haven't done anything for them to be wanting him to dump you.

Take it one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/14/2014 10:06 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like you and he need better communication. IF he won't talk directly to you and listen, then you just may be better off.

We are here for you.

Peace
Trina
Posted 8/15/2014 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
My husband gets it w/ both barrels when I am in a bad mood. And he has told his daughters. So know they hate me. I took vows. I told my husband before I agreed to marry him, that divorce would not be an option. "To death us do part!" And he made all sorts of promises to me then. I also had told him that I was broken. Damaged goods. But he insisted on staying w/ me, & getting married. But the more time he spent away from home & w/ his daughter, the bigger the problems got. The badder my moods got. Catch 22. The more I yelled, the more time he spent w/ her. The more time he spent w/ her, the more I yelled. He moved in w/ her 6/18. And she has told me herself that my marriage to her dad is over. There is so much at stake! I don't believe in divorce. Divorce will ruin me financially. I will lose my health insurance w/ a divorce. I am not just loosing my husband, but my best friend. I keep telling myself I am better off now. He has always preferred to take care of all her wants & needs, than his own wife's. For some reason taking care of our home & me is a burden. Taking care of his daughter, her home, & her family is a joy.
Posted 8/15/2014 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
And being in the here & now? That is a foreign language to me. Am a planner. Am a worrier. That will take a lot of work!!!
Posted 8/15/2014 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
May I ask, why do you yell. Because of the daughter? Is there jealousy going on between the two of you?

If he is siding with his daughter against you, then he isn't a very good friend. Is it that your depression is getting in the way of the relationship? It doesn't have to be a catch 22. You don't have to react when he tells you things about the daughter. And if he is telling you things, well that isn't much of a friend either.

I would try to get a grip on the depression before you lose your marriage. Do you go to a therapist? Do you take medications? Have you tried any coping skills yet?

I am serious when I say you do not have to react to what people say to you. I think your reaction is what is driving a wedge between the two of you. It sounds like maybe it gets out of hand. There fore he doesn't know if he wants to continue living with you. I really would work on the depression if you want to save the marriage. It takes work too. Everyday.

Get a book called "the new mood therapy". It is a self help book that helps with moods and it is also called "Feeling Good". By Dr. David Burns. It helps a lot with how we feel. It is about CBT therapy.

We can control our moods, how we react and how we approach people. Think about some changes for the good.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/15/2014 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
And the 1st wife's cheating? He had his suspicions for yrs. He even told me he was so glad daughter #3 was Caucasian, cuz he was afraid she might look Japanese (he was stationed in Japan @ the time). The daughters made it their business only because it made daddy look like a looser "in their eyes", staying w/ their mom. So they pushed for the divorce. Just so daddy would/could look better to them in their eyes. It was ALL about them!!!

Post Edited (ShariBB) : 8/14/2014 7:11:14 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/15/2014 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
I know my reactions or a huge problem. Anger management also runs in the family, w/ the depression. & yes, I am jealous! Of the fact that he will take care of his daughter's wants & needs before mine! She has her own husband. But wants mine too. Things pile up not done in our home, while he is at her home taking care of it! Dr. appt. 9/2. Meds., therapy, etc........ from there.
Posted 8/15/2014 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
It sounds to me that you have to make some decisions. Either get out of the marriage or accept the way that it is. Being angry is only making you feel worse. And since you don't want to divorce for financial reasons, you are kind of stuck living the way he wants to live. You need to accept the fact that you aren't first in his eyes. You are going to have to live with the daughter's meddling. I would rather be poor if it were me. I couldn't live under those conditions. But as long as you want financial security, you are going to have to put up with the bull crap. That is the way that I see it.

I would work on the anger issues. As long as you are stuck there, you might as well be happy, not angry.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/15/2014 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
1 more thing. We are all taught to count to 10, before we react. Well, I am my mother's daughter. It is the same w/ both of us. & she is now 83. The words come out before we even realize we thought them! Our mouths work faster than our brains! I know, that is impossible. But it is still what happens. The words are out there, long before we realize the thought had even entered our minds. :(
Posted 8/15/2014 1:21 AM (GMT 0)
I am 56 & have never been poor. Plus I have 4 cats & 3 dogs that would also loose their homes. & how do I get help w/o insurance? Obamacare? Yeah right! I know! Beg him not to divorce me, & promise to stay out of his life if he doesn't!
Posted 8/15/2014 1:37 AM (GMT 0)
Shari-

I sent you an email. But I wanted to share vomiting from the mouth (saying something before you consider the words) is a symptom of meno. I've struggled with this for the last few years.

Plz read the email.
Posted 8/15/2014 2:05 AM (GMT 0)
What is meno? Just curious...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/15/2014 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
We have no sensor button. No pause button. No edit button . I think this is more apt to happen to people who don't lie. We don't need to think as much, before we speak. So we do it less & less, til we don't do it at all. Not like people who are willing to lie do. They think a lot before they speak! I found out 40 yrs. ago I was a horrible liar, so I stopped doing it.
Posted 8/15/2014 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
Second marriages are always more challenging.  I'm sorry you're facing this.  Have you both tried to get counseling yet?  It's especially helpful to have a counselor that specializes in re-marriage and blended families.  A huge area of concern is always communication problems, and my thought is that they could help you a lot in that regard. HUGS to you!
Posted 8/15/2014 4:30 PM (GMT 0)
I was in therapy for a few mos. until my shrink cancelled 50% of my appts. My husband said that I should get therapy, but he didn't need any :(. I was the 1 w/ all the issues. Now he says if the shrink says he should go w/ me, then he might. I did not expect the issues w/ his kids. They were all 25 yo & up when we got together. All w/ their own home & family. Basically he his helping daughter #2 to have a better marriage. My husband does everything in her home, except sleep w/ her.
Posted 8/15/2014 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
I think therapy is great. Start going by yourself and work on you. Im sure a couples counseling session would be good, too.

You know where you need work. Start being proactive and make steps to better yourself. There's lots of material available about anger management and depression. The best way to show your husband that you want this to work is by taking steps to make it work.

You need to stop looking at it as if his daughters are against you. Even if they are that mindset won't help. He loves his kids, and that's something that you liked about him at some point. Make an effort to get to know his daughters. Let them see how much you want things to work. No matter how old they are, they will always be a part of your husband. You don't have to be best friends but if they see that you love their father and want his happiness then they may stop interfering.

That is the key here. Don't stay married because of fear. I have been exactly in your shoes. When I got divorced I lost my health insurance and was left to support 2 kids and 4 cats all while my health was bad. Do you think it made my husband feel loved when financial concerns seemed more important than his happiness? There is always a way to survive. It may not be ideal but you can survive. Be honest with yourself. How much are the financial reasons really the issue for not getting divorced. If that's all it is then your marriage is already over. Its time to really evaluate things.
Posted 8/15/2014 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
"Letting him have it with both barrels"!!!!!!!!!!

   Yep, communications are the backbone of any good or even decent marriage. Without communications, it ain't gonna work! Been there - done that!!!

   A counselor, not a shrink, is a good idea. "Shrink" is purely derogatory! If you meant a psychiatrist, for couples counseling .... not likely to work. If you meant a talk psychologist - and with couples counseling experience - that's a good start.

   Of course ..... both parties need to be receptive to go - and to go with open minds! Is that possible???

   Staying married - just for the insurance coverage? Really?

   Sometimes, it's better to just say good-bye. Millions of us do or have - and some of us several times. I once heard it's better to live in peace but alone .... then to live with stress and hatred all of the time.

   I do think going to a couples counselor is a great idea IF there is a chance that two people can improve their communications - even if their marriage doesn't survive. We all need help from time to time - just the honest facts!

   Hope you can put some of your energy into positive thoughts.

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

 

Posted 8/16/2014 10:23 PM (GMT 0)
Gizzy? is it? Both barrels because using just 1 doesn't make enough noise & he can't hear me. And when I am at my lowest, I hate everybody, including myself. And I get very angry. Also, am staying married because I took vows. I made promises. But w/o insurance, I can get no help! The only thing I can count on is my own honesty. The truth is my core. Above all else.

Post Edited (ShariBB) : 8/16/2014 4:28:03 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/16/2014 10:33 PM (GMT 0)
I knew it would happen. My hubby had agreed to us spending 1 day a week together, to work on our relationship. When I 1st brought it up he grinned from ear to ear. But after spending 5 days w/ the 2 daughters that instigated his 1st divorce, now he is not interested in that time together anymore.
Posted 8/17/2014 1:23 AM (GMT 0)
Does this mean you are separated? Is he not coming back?

I wonder if he is coming back??? I remember you said he was somewhere with his daughters.

If I were you, while you have insurance, get into some kind of therapy. You have anger issues you said. Maybe anger management??? Plus to him, it would show you are trying. If he wants a divorce, I don't think you would be able to stop that. I really think getting help would help you right now.

When you said you took vows. And that is the reason you don't want a divorce. I remember you saying you would lose a lot if you got a divorce, your insurance I believe. You need to be honest with yourself and get priorities straight. I don't see anything good out of him talking to his daughters from what you are saying. I really think you should get your anger under control. It sounds like he is at that point... I am speaking honestly with you and what my take on it is from what I am reading.

I think it is time to listen to what everybody is telling you for your sake. Get into therapy... Work on your anger... Some people can't tolerate anger and they shouldn't have to. Yelling makes people nervous and upset. And frankly, some people just wont live with it. Honestly, I wouldn't... I like a peaceful life and I like the people around me to be mellow and not loud. I am only saying this so you can get an idea of maybe what your husband is feeling at this time. And honestly, I think an apology would go a long way for you right now. Like I say, this is what I am getting from what you have written, you may have left things out, I don't know.

I hope that you make an effort to get some help and try to be less angry around your husband. Don't force things on him right now. Be reserved, Be polite. Tell him you want to get help. Hopefully he will give you that chance. If I have misread something, I am sorry. But it sounds like he may not come back... I hope I am wrong.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/17/2014 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Is making as much noise as possible - in the marriage vows?

Of course not! When communications break down, making more noise will never make it better. Guaranteed though .... it can and likely will make it worse!

   I hope you're not feeling that going to see a therapist is demeaning. I've seen three different ones over the past 20-years. Only the couples counselor didn't work, and that had more to do with my partner than me. She just couldn't or wouldn't accept any responsibility for our problems.

  The other two counselors that I saw were very helpful and caring therapists - both talk psychologists.

   Do you want a positive outcome with what's going on right now? It takes work, honesty and seeing a good therapist or counselor. I hope you make that choice. The decision is all yours! Time to stop blaming adult children!

Rob & Gizmo

 

Posted 8/17/2014 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
I see my primary Dr. 9/2. Therapy & ......... after that. I do blame the daughter too. Being a woman, & knowing she would never let her hubby spend all his time taking care of someone else's home, but still is calling daddy to spend all his time at hers. Women should not treat each other that way. And she does it because she is a spoiled brat. And her marriage is the only one that counts. She talked him into leaving both his wives because of what she gained!!! I will get over that & get over him eventually! It takes time! A whole lot of time!!! She is the 1 that just kept pulling & pulling until he & I broke. Cause it got her a full time handyman, mechanic, sitter,...... & all her hubby has to do is sleep w/ her. SHE has it made. 2 husbands for her & 2 dads for her kids. She wants for nothing! Trying to be patient, & let KARMA do its thing :). There is a silver lining. I will save hundreds of $ @ Xmas (& yes "I", I did all shopping w/ all my own $).
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