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30 days of separation

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Posted 8/15/2014 1:10 AM (GMT 0)
"The 30 days were suggested by her therapist in order to allow her medication an opportunity to make a full impact on her ability to process."

A therapist advising a patient to do that borders on nuttiness to me. I nearly committed suicide from an antidepressant's unexpected effect on me. More than once. If I had been alone, I probably wouldn't be here. And I had to wean off the medication very slowly for a year because the impulsiveness for harm was made worse if I dropped the dosage too suddenly. My husband's support has been, at times, the only thing that's kept me going.

I just don't understand this kind of therapy. I've been told with family members to keep an eye on them while they've been put on a new medication, but never the opposite.

I hope things work out for you both.
Posted 8/15/2014 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
Dan,

I have read most of the posts here.

I do agree that your posts are focused on you and your loss of a wife temporarily.

However, just like in the tango, it takes two people to have a successful relationship, for better or worse, richer or poorer in sickness and health.

Learning about your wifes diagnosis and what can be done to help here is a great step towards better communication between you two.

However, know that that changes in your partners life, create changes in yours. It is also possible that some of our behavior has influenced the change in our partner. We need to recognize that and own it.

It is the only way to get closer and mend the fences and move on to a healthier relationship.

I am glad you like the therapist, I do hope that you are 100% honest with them and yourself.

Peace and courage
Trina
Posted 8/15/2014 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
It is very difficult not to use the word "I" when attempting to describe what this person is dealing with.....this person being ME!

Trina, what is so baffling for me is that I have not been made aware of what went wrong. It's as if it is a secret for me to either discover on my own, or be told sometime down the road. When inquires are made by me, the answer is that time and space are still needed. Time and space are extremely open ended and although it has only been a month, that is about 27 days longer than we have ever been apart, and even then we communicated multiple times daily, and the separation then was the result of vacations.

I see fault in me! What confuses me is if that is the same fault she sees, and if not, why is it being kept a secret?

Is it possible to be depressed and not know why? No smart assed question, seriously, is that possible?

Dan
Posted 8/15/2014 6:00 PM (GMT 0)
Yes it is possible to be depressed with nothing triggering it other than a chemical imbalance.

I don't think that this is about you. I think it is about her and she probably doesn't even know why. She just knows she doesn't feel right. Try to be patient. Take this one day at a time and figure "no news is good news". And it is probably nothing more than her wanting to get better.

Quit seeing fault in you. I think if it was you, she would say so.

Take care...
Posted 8/15/2014 6:10 PM (GMT 0)
Those are the most informative words this person has heard in a long time!

You managed to make me smile.

Thanks

Dan
Posted 8/15/2014 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Dan, Yes! As Karen says it could have nothing to do with you or just a little to do with you.

My issues came from my childhood, however not until I was 48..
Came out differently as a breakdown, so there was not marriage seperation, but no one is alike. There are no rules for depression or trauma, anxiety, bipolar, etc...

The best you can do now, is work on yourself, give yourself loving-compassion. Be there when your wife wants to talk. Be open as possible at therapy. Explain your frustration of being left in the dark.

Like I said it takes two, you and her. Her and you.

One day at a time Dan, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Peace
Trina
Posted 8/15/2014 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks again! Hope is something that I have been clinging to for a while now.....however......my hope fades from time to tome. Maybe no news is truly good news?

Dan
Posted 8/17/2014 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
My world is full of good news.....or in this case, no news. A friend stopped by yesterday and told me of he and his wife's battle with this also. It did help me. I did understand many things about our situation that were not apparent to me before. Patience is difficult!! Sleep comes hard!!

I believe I need to find a new therapist, though. When our session ended last week he me slid a handwritten note for a law firm. It is a firm that deals only with men and his instruction was for me to call them...soon! That was less than an act of confidence in my opinion.....shocking, actually. Maybe I do have my head in the sand, but I am not ready to make that call yet. Do you guys think his actions were a little premature?

Thanks

Dan
Posted 8/17/2014 12:23 PM (GMT 0)
That I don't know. Is this the same therapist that is handling her too? If so, that is not good. Maybe you should call the lawyer and get in the loop of what is going on.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Does this therapist know more than you about the situation?

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/17/2014 3:20 PM (GMT 0)
Dan ......

   I would not call it premature!!!! To me, it was much more like unprofessional. Slipping you a note????

   I would look for another therapist or counselor .... and i think i might have mentioned that earlier too.

   This really shouldn't be viewed or handled as some sort of a secret thing that's being done behind your back ... or behind your wifes back either.

   It's almost sounding as though the therapists are working against you both. I'm sure that's not happening - and I'm sure many of the things your wife is going thru right now would be premature for you to get involved with at this point.

   Yeah .....patience with what your wife is experiencing - but not patience with your therapist!!!

   Can that dude!!!!

Best wishes

Rob & Gizmo

 

Posted 8/17/2014 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
We are seeing different therapists, in different cities. My therapist has made numerous references to his first wife, and he is giving me advice as he dealt with his first divorce. Detach! That was his word. He told me that if I could effectively detach from her, she would eventually hit rock bottom and come home. I did call a different therapist today. She was as bewildered by some of his advice as I am. I am seeing her on Tuesday.
Posted 8/17/2014 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
By not knowing the whole situation, it is hard to speculate. Not knowing her side of it makes it hard. I wish she had communicated more with you. But it does sound like your first therapist is not being objective, maybe he is going by his experience. Or maybe he sees something we don't. I am glad you are going to see a new one. I think it may give you new perspectives to work with.

Best wishes.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/17/2014 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
I learned today that next Monday is the 30th day and it is the day that I am supposed to meet her at her therapists office. At that time I am to learn of our future.

I am thinking of asking my wife to save me the trip and embarrassment if the news is bad. I will have a hard time navigating if her therapist tells me our marriage is over.

Am I thinking wrong?

Dan
Posted 8/18/2014 12:41 AM (GMT 0)
Not really, I can see your point. But I believe you are stronger than you think you are. But it is totally up to you. I wish you the best...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/25/2014 8:04 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Dan...How are you?  I'm just up in the middle of the night reading posts...pathetic, huh?  I'm not sure of the date you're "meeting" with your wife and therapist, but is it "today" (8/25)  If so, I truly hope there is a happy resolution for both of you.  FWIW after reading your thread, I believe she's suffering from "empty nest"...losing her identity as a mom.  I would think she's lost and alone, possibly re-evaluating her life...sad that chapter of her life is over.  I think your heart is in the right place.  Just try to love her through it, if she'll allow you to do so.  IMO couples spend most of their married years focused on raising their children, neglecting the bond between husband and wife.  When the children leave the proverbial nest, you look at one another as strangers.  Again, don't try to "fix" it...LOVE HER through it.  I hope and pray that y'all can work this out.  I know that through faith, anything is possible.  My husband and I separated @ 15 years.  We sought counseling through our pastor (together) and recently celebrated 34 years.  It can be done, if you BOTH want it.

I am so sorry for your heartbreak and confusion, as I do not believe that "absence makes the heart grow fonder".  I think the 2 of you should be working through this together...crying, laughing and loving=)

Posted 8/25/2014 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
 

Hello Ms Dixie

My wife asked me for a divorce last Tuesday.  We spent a couple of hours discussing it and she has given me many examples of things that she has supressed over the years, from wishing she had never moved here from California to regretting not speaking up when our wedding was being planned by her mother.  She claims she never got to plan her own wedding.  At the end of our meeting on Tuesday, she pushed me to schedule an appt with a divorce attorney, something I have NOT done and have no intention of doing.  I have been angry at her for the past few days and my children have cut off communication with her because they are furious at her and her decision. 

Today my youngest daughter asked her to seek a 2nd opinion regarding her therapist.  The lady she is seeing is not a Phd, she has a masters degree in social work.  We feel that it would be better if she saw someone who could also evaluate her medications.  Currently, nobody is doing that other than the Family Practitioner who subscribed her 20mg of Celexa.  She has turned into a person that none of us recognize.  She was once loving and tender and now she is angry and irritable and is making rash decisions.  She has agreed to see another therapist.  We just have to find one.  My daughter is a nursing student and she is seeking the advice of the Dean of Nursing at her college for some good Psychologists. 

I asked my daughters to communicate with mom today.  Not to apologize for their feelings, but rather to acknowledge that she is their mother and they are her daughters and that the relationship will not change.  I believe when the children moved away, she not only gave up her identity, but also her decision making abilities.  My wife was instrumental in helping the children decide on many of life's struggles...college, boys, health.......you get my drift?

Many of the decisions regarding our home were shared by us, but after speaking with a good friend who also suffered from this "empty nest stuff", she indicated that the emptiness she felt after the kids left was not just limited to their absense, but also to her longing to continue to protect and aid others.......she has nobody else to protect.  Hense the current situation. 

My job as of right now is to do nothing.  I am not filing any papers, I am not seeking an attorney, I am not offering to do anything.  I intend to offer as much support and love as I can.  My tongue will become much more civil!  My friend who advised me suggested that my wife needs to do some things for herself.  She is not used to doing much for herself.  It will, hopefully, help her realize a few things? 

In the end, I am at least as confused as I have always been, but my angle is now different. 

Your response to my thead was a high point for me.  Thank you very much

Posted 8/25/2014 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry to hear this. And sorry for the way she went about it. By not discussing things with you. We can't change other people's decisions I guess. I hope you continue to work on yourself. Take it one day at a time.

Are you sure you don't want to get an attorney? Just to protect your rights and some of your belongings? Or even to support you through this making sure it is all fair between the two of you? I respect the decision that you make. You know her better than anybody I guess, as to her intentions.

Again, I am really sorry...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/25/2014 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, there will come a time when I will be forced to get an attorney. I do not want a divorce. However, I also do not have my head in the sand. I have been given the name of a great attorney from a great friend, and I will seek his advice in a month or so. Until then, I am going to let some dust settle. If she wants to do something legally, then I will make a move. Her advice to me on the day she asked for divorce was to schedule an appointment with an attorney that we could share. That is not likely, nor is it ethical for the attorney. I appreciate your advice and caring. I feel better today. I feel a little re-charged. Still sad and lonely, but confident that no action is currently the right course of action. Problem is, I don't do NOTHING well!!

Thanks

Dan
Posted 8/26/2014 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hey there...I really hate to hear this, Dan.  I hope that my post in the middle of the night did not upset you more than you already are.  I'm certainly no expert, but I have some perspective I feel compelled to share with you.  When you say she is not herself...not the same person, this could mean several things.  I was married to my husband for 15 years when he suddenly became detached and unkind.  He told me he was depressed and needed some space.  I was just out of major surgery, so of course I blamed myself.  I just thought "Well, this is some heavy stuff that I've been through.  I was near death, so I thought he was experiencing fight or flight, and chose the latter".  He had always been such a loving and gentle kind-hearted man (we met in college).  I was so naïve...I booked a motel for him 30 miles away and packed his suitcase filled with creature comforts I knew he'd enjoy.  I was grief-stricken and could not swallow my own saliva for dry-heaving.  Again, I blamed myself.  I was elated when he came home a week later, but something was still off. 

Fast-forward several months...I found out he was having an affair all along.  The motel I booked for him was not used for introspective meditation.  How could I have been SO foolish?  Just be aware of the duck analogy.  I'm not projecting my issues onto yours.  I'm simply saying that when someone does an "about face" it could be her medication, or it could be a mental breakdown from empty nest syndrome, or it could be another party involved.  I've found that when we are most vulnerable, the jackals tend to appear.  You don't divorce your husband because you didn't get to plan your own wedding...what?!?

There is always "hope" but hope is not a plan.  Protect yourself and your daughters.  I'm questioning this whole scenario from the get go, but was willing to give the benefit of the doubt.  There was a lot of ugliness that haunts me this very day, but our separation and pending divorce was not something we could overcome.  We sought marriage counseling and eventually worked through it.  We renewed our vows on what would have been our 16th anniversary.  We recently celebrated our 34th=)

I, too am a problem solver by nature...I tend to be way too analytical.  I was so very sick at the time and I believe my heart couldn't handle the truth, so I chose not to see it. 

Posted 8/26/2014 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
I am 100% confident there is no other guy! Believe me, I checked it out! My decision to do nothing showed up today....out of the blue......from a source I never would have figured.....I prayed out loud Sunday for the first time ever.....Maybe! I do have an exit strategy. I do have a plan to cover my backside and protect my children. I always solve problems, I just never solved them by doing nothing. Lord knows, I've got plenty of time!! I was hoping to be done with this web site......I am fortunate to have you all! Thanks for your kind words and all the advice. I really appreciate it. I will continue to post!

Your friend

Dan
Posted 8/26/2014 4:42 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Dan...Prayer is a powerful thing.  At the time of our separation, we sought marriage counseling first, to no avail.  We were not members of a church, but my friend introduced us to her pastor.  They were having marriage counseling and enrichment classes that Spring, so my estranged husband and I enrolled.  The pastor showed us a diagram that I will never forget.  It was a brick wall between 2 humans.  They could not conceivably break through the brick wall of their own strength.  He showed us that the only way for us to come back together was to move upward towards God and forgiveness.  We changed our lifestyles completely.  My husband was an architectural engineer by day and a lead guitarist by night in a popular band...GONE 6 nights a week...not healthy for any marriage.  Continue to pray with EYES WIDE open.

I wish for you all the answers you seek, and to find a peace about whatever may come=)

Dixie

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